Aw, come on! This happens every time! Why is it that whenever I want to talk about something dark and scary, the powers-that-be decide to dress up my wall in pink and kittens? Granted, it’s impossible to hate kittens,

Oh, kitteh, I will nevar be madz at you. D'aww...

but seriously, WHY?

…

And how in the heck am I even supposed to read this? Pink on white? I can BARELY see the text.

Well this is just great. I was really looking forward to this one too, you know. I mean, I still am, but this pink just really kills the mood. How do I adjust the background theme..?

Anyways, the reason I’m super-excited to talk today is that, over the weekend, I went out and saw the new Joss Whedon-directed horror flick, “The Cabin in the Woods.”

The Rubix Cube in the Woods?

I’ll get into more detail here in a sec, but I believe I can sum up the experience in about three words:

Ho. Ly. Sh*t.

I mean… damn. This movie was awesome, plain and simple. And it was one of those rare movies that surprised me with how good it was, too.

Well said.

I walked into “The Cabin in the Woods” hearing it had some positive reviews, but beyond that I didn’t have any expectations. The trailers for this one didn’t reveal much (which I guess is better than the opposite). And while I liked “Firefly” and “Dollhouse,” I’m not that big of a Joss Whedon fan (though ask me that after “The Avengers” comes out in two weeks). Probably the one thing that perked my interest was that I heard the story was “mind-blowing.” Maybe it was just hype, but hey, a horror movie with a good story? Color me intrigued…

So I went and saw it on Sunday and, again, damn. I don’t even know how to describe it. I don’t even know if I should describe it, since really I don’t think I can without having to give away specifics. I can’t compare this to any other horror movie. And I can’t describe it on its own or else I’ll just spoil the whole thing. And I’m telling you, you need to see this for yourself.

Do it. Do it now.

Yes, Adam, even you. Suck it up and go see a scary movie for once.

Even you. Yes, you. You with the face.

The only thing I can even think to say in the way of a description is that “The Cabin in the Woods” is a lot like a traditional horror movie… mixed with “The Truman Show.” I don’t know how else to put it. On the surface, and pretty much in most of what the trailers show, “The Cabin in the Woods” doesn’t seem too complex. College kids go to a cabin in the middle of nowhere, party it up, and then scary stuff happens.

"Explore the dark, creepy basement? I see nothing wrong with that..."

But you find out quickly that there’s a lot going on behind the scenes. Events have been planned, scares are happening for a reason, and probably the biggest thrill of the movie is trying to piece together the reason behind it all. And man, when you figure it out… Again, I don’t want to reveal details, but I definitely have to say that this movie lived up to being “mind-blowing.”

Nope, just an innocent-looking cabin in the woods. Nothing sinister going on here...

So yeah, definitely check this one out for yourself. This is easily one of my picks for best movie of the year (ONE of my picks. “The Dark Knight Rises” and “The Hobbit part 1” are preemptively on the list). It was scary. It was smart. It was even funny at times. Leave it to Joss Whedon to make a horror movie with a fair amount of humor. And it works. “The Cabin in the Woods” was some of the most fun I’ve had watching a movie in a while. See for yourself.

…

Yes, Adam, I’m still talking to you, too. It’s a scary movie, but it’s a good scary movie. Be brave.

-Natron out

Seriously, I’m not gonna do it.

I mean it. No.

Not. Gonna. Happen.

…

What, is this supposed to be my “thing” or something? Some little in-joke or gimmick I’m obligated to do every year? Forget it.

…

Oh, what, you think I’m supposed to be all, “Oh, look, it’s Valentine’s Day again! Guess I’ll start talking about something with love and romance! La de da de da!” That’s what you want, isn’t it? That’s what you came here for. After all, I do it every OTHER Valentine’s Day, right? Ooh, maybe I’ll even throw in a joke about how I’m going to drown my sorrows in rum or listen to Evanescence to compliment my own sad isolation (sidenote- love the new album). Is that okay? Does that make you laugh?

Funny? How exactly am I FUNNY to you?

Well forget about it. I’m not doing it this year. Sure, maybe it was funny in the past, but now it’s just become an annoyance. So there. I don’t even care anymore.

You think that, just because I’m a single nerd on Valentine’s Day, I have nothing better to do than spend my time talking about random pop culture? No. Seriously, no. I’m not doing it this time. I’m not your monkey.

Is this all I am to you people?

…

No, seriously. And really, even if I was going to do this for Valentine’s Day, do I even need to? I mean, what the heck could I possibly, possibly say about “The Princess Bride”?

As you wish.

What could I ever talk about that you don’t already know? Honestly, do you really expect me to believe that there are people out there that have never seen “The Princess Bride”? Ever? Please. I don’t even have to say a word and I know that every single one of you is already quoting the damn thing to yourself. “Inconceivable!” “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” Heck, how many of you have tee-shirts that say “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya” on them? Show of hands?

I like mine cuz the lettering's all in cursive.

That’s what I thought.

So, again, I don’t have to say anything, because nothing more needs to be said.

…

Alright, however, if I hypothetically were to say anything about “The Princess Bride” (not that I am, mind you), I’d say that not only is it a good love story, but it’s definitely one of the best movies I know that’s just plain FUN. I can pop in “The Princess Bride” at any time and automatically enjoy it. I love the characters. I love quoting the lines.

"Mawwiage..."

Most of all, though, I love how the movie never takes itself too seriously. I admit, on a technical level, “The Princess Bride” is mediocre at best. The story’s simple, the effects are cheap, and the overall feel of the movie is total cheese. But that’s why I love it. When you see Westley fighting a ridiculous giant rat prop, it looks totally silly but is simultaneously TOTALLY AWESOME. Having a battle of wits with Vizzini as he dizzingly deduces which poisoned cup to drink is absurd but HILARIOUS. The movie knows how silly it looks and just rolls with it, and you can’t help but embrace it and love it.

Plus, Andre the Giant.

You can tell the feel of the movie right from the beginning by how it’s set up: the story of “The Princess Bride,” a tale of romance and adventure, is being read by a grandfather to his sick grandson. It’s a story within a story (insert “Inception” joke here), and that helps make the movie so lovable. If it were just a movie about the fantasy-romance story on its own, it wouldn’t be nearly as engaging with the audience. But by framing it as a story being read, with the constant interruptions and comments of the grandson, we get more humor and wit. We also take a vested interest in the story because, in a way, the grandfather is reading to us, too.

Like the grandson, we see the story unfold. We’re cautious at the beginning as we see a young woman named Buttercup falling in love with a poor farmhand named Westley. Ugh, kissing? Is this a trick? Where’s the action? But it’s not too long before Westley’s kidnapped by pirates, Buttercup’s engaged to a loveless prince and kidnapped by outlaws, and we’re pulled into a story that should be unbelievably cheesy but, somehow, I never fail to enjoy. Any scene is memorable. Any line is quotable.

"This man is only MOSTLY dead."

And in some strange way the action, the romance, and the humor all compliment each other to make for a very solid story. It’s a simple pleasure, but it’s one of the best. I don’t know how else to put it.

Which, again, is why I’m not going to do some sort of special Valentine’s Day post for “The Princess Bride.” Even if I do think it’s a really fun movie and a romance I actually enjoy watching. Forget about it. Not gonna happen. I’m not going to bother writing a single, solitary word for this week’s post, so just walk on. There’s nothing to see here.

...

…

Waaaiiiit…

- Natron out

Okay, first off, before you say anything, I think I should just come right out and say that I’m sorry. I know, I know. No, really. I know. And I apologize. I’m sorry. Seriously, I am. Really. And I’m sorry.

It’s one thing not to post during finals week and when you’re all caught up in graduating. It’s something completely different to vanish for almost four months and not post anything aside from a short little Halloween bit. I kinda dropped the ball on that one…

Again, I apologize.

Can you ever forgive me?

It’s been a weird time for me lately. I’ve been running around trying to find a new job, work on writing and personal projects, make time for friends, and yet somehow still end up feeling like I’ve botched it all up. Bleh.

I guess Christmas did help me feel a bit better… Christmas always helps. And, hey, we just made it into another year, too. Happy 2012, everybody! Somehow, I can’t help but get excited about the start of a new year. It feels like it holds so much promise. Who knows what I might achieve? I did just start a new job. That might be good. Well, it isn’t yet… But it could change. Maybe. Ooh, maybe I’ll get a lot of writing done that I intend to. Or maybe this is the year that I find that special someone who I’ll spend the rest of my life with. It could happen, right?

Hmm… This all feels vaguely familiar…

Oh. Yeah. These are the same high hopes I remember having last New Year’s. And look how well that turned out, right? In fact, the more I think about it, I can’t really remember any of my New Year’s expectations coming through… New Year’s sucks.

I’m really depressed now…

Ugh. I could use a pick-me-up. Is there anything to look forward to in this new year?

Wait… What’s this..?

Also known as "DOOP."

“The Death of…” Awwwwwww, come on! What the heck is this? “The Death of Optimus Prime”? You’ve got to be kidding me. Really, IDW Comics? Really? I pick up a new Transformers comic and you pull this on me? Come on! Have you no decency?

Why does Optimus Prime always die???

Died... FOR YOUR SINS!

Okay, okay. My bad. I flew a little off the handle there for a second. I admit it. I shouldn’t have done that.

Still, what the heck? “The Death of Optimus Prime”? Did IDW Comics really have to go and make one of those stories?

Perhaps I should explain… I’ve talked before about the early days of Transformers history, back in the ‘80’s with the original line of toys and the original cartoon. And one of the highlights of the original “Generation 1” was the 1986 Transformers movie where, after an all-out brawl with the evil Megatron, OPTIMUS PRIME DIED. It was meant to be a powerful, emotional moment lamenting the death of a hero that left kids in tears on the way home from the theatre.

It’s one of the big moments in Transformers history. Powerful. Poignant. I love it.

Once you (die and) go black, you don't go back.

But… since then, almost any and every incarnation of the Transformers franchise has somehow tried to emulate that same moment. Which isn’t necessarily a bad idea… even if it is just to sell more toys. It’s good storytelling. A heroic death can make for good drama.

The problem is that this has happened over and over. Optimus Prime, in all of his incarnations and universes, has died. A LOT. Like the time where he was reanimated and killed again as a zombie…

"Hard driiiiives... Hard driiiiives..."

Or died in another shootout with the Decepticons…

Tis but a scratch.

Or was beaten to death at the hands of a powered-up Megatron…

"You died?" "I got better."

Or actually CRUMBLED TO DUST in “Armada”…

There's MOSTLY dead, and then there's ALL dead.

Or decided to voluntarily kill himself because he lost a video game. Seriously…

No, really. This ACTUALLY happened.

Or was stabbed and shot in the back in “Revenge of the Fallen”…

Died to save Shia LaBeouf. Not the guy's finest hour...

Or died in the very first episode of “Transformers Animated”…

A new record!

Or…

Merely a flesh wound!

Uhh…

I've had worse...

Okay! We get it! You can stop now!

I'm INVINCIBLE!

Geez. So, yeah, you can see why I’m not exactly optimistic about another story featuring “The Death of Optimus Prime.”

However… Upon reading this comic I was pleasantly surprised to find something completely different. This is a story that features the death of Optimus Prime… but not in the way you’d expect. Because this isn’t a story about the death of Optimus Prime as a person. Really, this is a story about the Transformers as a whole facing a big change and dealing with an uncertain future.

The end of IDW Comics’ last Transformers storyline, “Chaos,” saw the heroic Autobots facing down a planet-wide crisis on their home planet of Cybertron and emerging victoriously. I won’t say much more here because you should check it out for yourselves but, basically, the Autobots win. And now in “The Death of Optimus Prime” they find themselves in a world after the war. The Decepticons are conquered and the planet is ready to start rebuilding. However, as more and more non-combatants and refugees return to Cybertron, the Autobots begin to find themselves at a loss for what to do now. Now that the war is over, what place is there for the likes of Optimus Prime?

This is a story about transitions, wrapping up IDW Comics’ previous Transformers storylines and setting up for two new series to come in this new year.“Transformers: More Than Meets the Eye” will focus on a handful of Autobots setting out into space to find the legendary “Knights of Cybertron” and return their civilization to a glorious golden age.

I'd make another Monty Python and the Holy Grail joke here but I've gone WAY beyond my limit.

“Transformers: Robots in Disguise” will look at the aftermath of the Autobot-Decepticon war on Cybertron. Now that the fighting’s done, how will the Autobots, Decepticons, and neutral Cybertronians coexist and deal with old hostilities?

Law and Order: Cybertron

If you get the chance, check out IDW’s “The Death of Optimus Prime.” It’s a surprisingly good story that sets up for new plotlines to come and, frankly, I’m really excited to see what comes next. What happens to the Transformers now that their war is over? What does Optimus Prime do in a world that no longer needs him? I’ll definitely check out “More Than Meets the Eye” and “Robots in Disguise” to see where the story goes from here.

Huh. Look at that. I guess there is something to look forward to in this new year. And hopefully I’ll be back again soon with new content. Happy New Year, everybody.

- Natron out

Treat! As if I would allow a Halloween to pass by without doing something special and nerdy for it.

Celebrate!

We may be down to the last few hours of October, but that’s just enough time to make it special. And informative. Once again, I thought I’d use this Halloween post to help educate YOU on all things important. So once again it’s time for another:

Nathaniel Rose’s SURVIVAL GUIDE to Totally Real Situations!!!

No, this Survival Guide will not deal with vampires OR werewolves (suck it, “Twilight”). Instead, this week I thought it would be important to revisit an old topic we covered last Halloween: the zombie apocalypse.

I don't see what the big deal is. I look like this every day.

Yes, we’ve dealt with zombies before, but with the new season of “The Walking Dead” having just started (and the endless “Night of the Living Dead” marathons they’ve been airing on TV this week) I believe there’s some new ground out there that I haven’t covered before. I’ve shown you what can happen right when infection starts, but what about after? If you survive the initial outbreak, what do you do to survive the day-to-day long after civilization has crumbled?

Step One: Pose LIKE A BOSS.

The Situation:

It’s been months since that first day the zombie infection broke out. You don’t know how or why, but it didn’t take long before it hit everyone, everywhere. Outbreak became plague, and soon plague became full-blown apocalypse. Life as you know it no longer exists; the zombies overwhelmed everything. No more government, no more media, no more production. No more civilization.

You were one of the lucky ones, so to speak. While the world around you went to hell you locked yourself away in an old fallout shelter and stayed there. But shelter won’t last forever. You’re running dangerously low on supplies. If you want to live, you’re going to have to step out into the zombie wasteland. At that exact moment, WHAT DO YOU DO???

Parameters:

- At this point, it doesn’t matter what kind of zombies they are. They could be the run-of-the-mill shambling kind with only a base intelligence or the “28 Days Later”/”I Am Legend” kind that can think and run faster than us. By now they’ve infected or killed everyone anyway, so it makes little difference.

- As per our last zombie Survival Guide, zombies pass infection through blood contact. If you get any inside you, you have only minutes before you too become the walking undead.

- Zombies are NOT susceptible to pain or loss of limb. To kill them, take out the brain or decapitate them.

Badass. By the way, you've got red on you...

- As far as you know, there is no secret safe zone in some distant land that’s remained free of infection. To the best of your knowledge, there is no outside help. You’re on your own.

The Solution:

I think I should say right off the bat that this is one of those survival situations that does not have a happy ending. Like when Bear Grylls DELIBERATELY jumps into a frozen lake, if this happens to us, we probably won’t survive. Because when it comes to the zombie apocalypse, if you’ve survived this far your outlook is bleak no matter what happens. You’re in an apocalyptic scenario, for crying out loud. Even if the zombies DON’T get you, it’s not like the world will magically get better and you’ll live happily ever after married with kids (well, okay, it magically could, but magic is probably a topic for another Survival Guide).

But if you’re willing to toughen up and face the post-apocalyptic music, then, just like last time, I’d say the VERY FIRST thing you should think of is protection. FIND A WEAPON. Baseball bats, axes, swords, whatever. Guns and chainsaws are all well and good, but those things won’t last forever without ammo or fuel. And at this point, both might be a little hard to come by.

Sometimes simple works best.

But no matter what, always have something close at hand you can defend yourself with. At the very least, have someone around you can abandon to the zombies so they don’t eat you instead. Remember, to outrun zombies, you just have to be faster than your slowest friend. : )

When there’s no safe place to go, you’re gonna want to keep moving. Travel light, packing only things you think you’ll need to survive. Scavenge what food you can from old food stores (but always look out for zombies). I’ve heard that Twinkies can last a while…

This could be promising...

I’d also recommend finding a vehicle, probably something that can go off-road. Rugged, dependable. If you can find the gas for it, it definitely makes travel a lot easier and provides a bit of security. And remember, it’s not really stealing… because the owner is already dead.

Most importantly, when living in a zombie wasteland, it can be easy to get dark and depressed. After all, everyone you know is dead and even you yourself are just trying to hold off the inevitable until you find yourself trapped by the crushing darkness, right? WRONG! Well, right… But the point is that even in the zombie apocalypse (especially in the zombie apocalypse) you need to be strong mentally as well as physically. Always try to keep your spirits up, even when the future looks bleak.

"Don't freak out, okay?"

According to Zombieland, “Enjoy the little things.” Smash stuff. LOTS of stuff. See new places. Get a little creative in the way you kill zombies (two words: kitten cannon). If you want to keep from going crazy, sometimes to keep going you have to find the fun side of things. Even in a zombie apocalypse.

As you can see, there’s more to living in a zombie-overrun world than just the zombies. Really it’s about self-reliance and never giving up. That, and excessive gore. Lots and lots of gore… Anyway, hopefully you’ve learned some useful information on just how to survive. See you next time when we discuss another totally real situation.

- Natron out

Quick, take a moment. Soak it all in. Savor it before it’s gone. Once again we’ve come to the end of one of my favorite times of the year.

We’ve come to the end of another October.

Oh, October. How I’ve loved you so. And how could I not? You’re awesome. Everything from your multicolored leaves to any and every food having the word “pumpkin” in it. Heck with Spetember. It’s too close to summer, anyway. You’re what fall’s really about.

You're classy like that.

But sadly, now you’re coming to a close. Here we are on Halloween with only enough time left to pull off one last good scare. Maybe I can think of a way to trick Adam into watching “Paranormal Activity” somehow…

Yet even though we’ve reached the end of October, I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. Truth be told, I have been trying to put this blog post up sooner… but I’ve just been caught up in all of the fun stuff that’s been going on this month. And this has been one heck of an October. As we bow out into what’s next, here’s a look back at only some of the awesome stuff I’ve been up to this month:

- Spending the day at the PA Renaissance Faire.

Visit ye olde historic Nerdville, USA

What better way to spend a Saturday afternoon than by carousing with knights and ladies and, oh, I don’t know… BUYING A TON OF SWORDS? I think our little group must’ve walked out of there with at least 13 swords. Totally worth it. And while going to the Ren. Faire might not seem very “October-y” on it’s own, we did go during their Oktoberfest-themed weekend. Which brings me to my next point…

- Celebrating Oktoberfest. Whether on a themed weekend at the Renaissance Faire or if you can somehow find some German friends, have a drink. Better yet, have a drink out of a giant boot-shaped glass. You know, for tradition.

My new friend.

- Celebrating a certain person’s birthday… Always a high point of the month. I celebrated the turning of another year in the best way possible: with friends, family, food, drink, and my brand-new “Batman: Arkham City” video game (and a copy of “A Dance with Dragons.” And a new sonic screwdriver. And…)

- Visiting an Apple Harvest Festival. This one was kind of an inevitability. If you live in central Pennsylvania, you can’t NOT run into a harvest festival. But who cares? Food! Fried food! Fried food with lots of apples! Whoo!

Eat ALL the apples!!!

- Sitting around the campfire in the cool night air. Always fun, but harder to do as the temperature keeps dropping. Still, any time where you can just sit around the campfire and talk is always a good time. Get it in while you can.

- Two words: PUMPKIN SPICE. It is everywhere. It is everything. And it is GLORIOUS.

- Playing in the snow! Wait… what? How the heck did that happen? Did we jump into “The Nightmare Before Christmas” or something? I’m confused. However, aside from the branches snapping in our backyard, seeing snow in October was… oddly charming.

Well, aside from that part.

- Throwing a Halloween party. Thanks again to Jon for letting us party at his place with snazzy costumes, cheesy horror movies, and lots to eat and drink. Oh, and a ridiculous Nerf sword fight. What? It’s not childish or anything. It’s awesome!

Ahhh… truly there is no better time of year than October. I can’t wait for it to come around next year to do it all again.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go see if I can find a way to have concentrated pumpkin spice injected directly into my veins. It’s worth it.

So totally worth it.

- Natron out

We did it! Whooo!!!

I know, I know. Take a moment. Soak it all in. Rejoice. I am your king!

…

Aww, now I look like a jerk. I let all of my petty successes go to my head.

Now I feel shame…

…

Okay, I think I’ve let that all work through my system. Anywho, with this week being a personal milestone for me, I thought this would be a good time to talk about another important accomplishment. This spring, DC Comics celebrated a huge milestone: Action Comics, one of its running series featuring the adventures of Superman, hit its 900^th issue.

So much ACTION!!!

That’s pretty darn huge. Action Comics is DC’s longest-running series, published on a (mostly) monthly basis since it’s first issue in 1938. As far as I know, no other series has reached such a milestone, published continually with only a few interruptions for over 70 years.

Seriously, just stop and let that sink in for a second. 70 years. 900 issues.

The reason I bring this up now is that, just this month, DC Comics has been celebrating a… different kind of milestone. In the wake of this summer’s all-encompassing “Flashpoint” story, DC stopped all of its current publications and relaunched its entire line of comics, starting everything back at issue #1. Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, etc. This month, all DC comics are starting over.

This means that Action Comics, after running for over 70 years and achieving a record-level number of issues, is starting back at 1.

902... 903... 904... 1... Wait, WHAT?

This upsets me.

The reason DC Comics has been restarting all of their titles is, according to DC’s publisher Dan DiDio, to provide an accessible “jumping-on point” for new readers to start at, a new beginning comic book readers can follow without having to worry about 70-odd years of continuity behind it. To that end, the September relaunch is also serving as a “reboot” for the DC universe, a chance to change continuity and events. This summer’s “Flashpoint” storyline was written as an excuse to change history.

Long story short, in “Flashpoint,” the Flash found himself stuck in an alternate, dystopian timeline and had to fix things so that the real timeline could be restored.

Eeeeeverything you know is wrong! Black is white, up is down, and short is long!

This he accomplished, but in doing so minor, accidental changes were made to the timeline anyway. And so a modern, “new” DC universe has begun.

DC has been building up to the relaunch with a lot of hype, but really I’m struggling to see the point. Yes, having everything start at issue #1 is a good hook to bring in new readers at the “start,” but how long will that last? 10 or 15 issues down the road and suddenly anyone who wants to start reading the series will have to backtrack to find out what’s going on anyway. Restarting everything at #1 is a gimmick that won’t last very long at all.

But what’s really pissing me off about this whole “reboot” is how haphazardly everything’s being handled. This whole thing is being touted as the birth of the “new DC Universe,” except there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to what’s being changed. Batman is still keeping the same continuity. They’re still keeping the current Robin, Bruce Wayne’s own biological son, Damian, even though any new reader probably won’t know who the heck that is or where he came from.

Actually the FIFTH Robin. Bonus points if you can name them all.

Green Lantern is keeping the same continuity, despite the Green Lantern Corps having just fought a civil war that caused a lot of collateral damage new readers aren’t going to know about. New readers aren’t going to understand any of this. If this is a new beginning then have a new beginning.

However… However, out of the entirety of this DC Comics relaunch, the character I feel sorry for the most has got to be Superman. Because the changes DC has made to this guy are tragic.

Haters gonna hate.

Setting aside the fact that they decided to restart Action Comics after having just achieved 900 FREAKING ISSUES, Dan DiDio and DC Comics have seen fit to change Superman’s character and backstory to a point where he almost seems a caricature of his former self.

I guess the first thing to point out is that, once again, they’ve changed Superman’s backstory. Yeah, this may seem unimportant, but this has to be about the 5^th different origin story we’ve been given for Superman in the past 10 years. “Birthright,” “Secret Origins,” even the out-of-continuity stories like “Superman: Earth One” or “All-Star Superman” have tried presenting different tales of Superman’s earliest days. JUST STOP. You don’t see this kind of confusion with Batman. So why does everyone feel the need to change Superman’s backstory?

Came out last year. ALREADY OBSOLETE.

This time around, we find a young adult Superman whose adoptive parents are both long-dead and who has grown up isolated and alone. Wow. Way to go there. So long, strong moral foundation!

Not only that, but now after 15 years of continuity, Superman and Lois Lane, devoted husband and wife, are no longer married. No divorce, no falling out. In this “new” continuity, their marriage just never happened.

15 years of marriage GONE.

Why? Simply because Dan DiDio (and yes, I’m placing a lot of blame on this guy) and DC thought that Superman is more relatable and his stories have more tension if he were single. If he’s married to Lois, their dynamic isn’t interesting enough and there’s no drama there.

Dear Mr. DiDio: F#@% YOU.

Promoted "Superman: Earth One" as a Superman story "for the Twilight generation." Go. To. Hell.

You don’t think there’s tension in marriage? You don’t think there’s compelling drama between two people when they’re in a relationship, especially when one of them’s a superhero? Go to hell. Think about firefighters, or cops, or soldiers. You don’t think there’s drama in their relationships with their significant others? Heck, in any marriage, there’s conflict. There’s tension. There’s drama. Marriage and committed relationships can make for good story. Even young readers can appreciate that.

But no, we had to reboot everything for no good reason.

"I have altered the DC Universe. Pray I don't alter it further."

All gone! Instead of writing new stories exploring the complexities of Clark Kent and Lois Lane having to deal with problems as a married couple, you’d rather go back to stories that have been played out for 50 years about an awkward, unrequited love triangle between Lois, Clark, and his alter ego.

Oh wait, no, you don’t want to do that, either. You’d rather have Superman be a dark, brooding loner who is so cold and distant he doesn’t connect with anyone.

Hmmm... KIND OF LIKE THIS GUY.

Damn it, DC. You and I aren’t cool right now.

- Natron out

Yeah, I can be one of those crazy purists when it comes to books. I believe that in almost every case, the original book will always be better than the movie adaptation.

These don't often blend well.

It just makes sense- books allow the readers to inject their own imaginations and imagery into the narrative the writer provides. With movies based on books, you’re just watching someone else’s interpretation. Yes, you can actually see the story, but it’s never how you personally pictured it would be.

Having said that, I still enjoy the Harry Potter movies. They are an adaptation, but they’re a good adaptation. Plus I think the fact that the movies were being made while the book series was still being written really helped solidify the movies’ cast and settings as being “the real deal.” You could connect the faces and places from the movies with the books while you were reading them.

But out of all of the Harry Potter movies, which one do I hold in the highest regards? And which one, sadly, do I like the least? Here are my picks for the best and worst Harry Potter movies.

Best Harry Potter Movie: “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1” (movie 7)

"And I raaaaan. I ran so far awaaaaaay."

I’m tempted to cheat here and just say I liked “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” as a whole. Can I do that? That counts, right?

No? I have to actually pick a movie? Darn.

I’ve said before that one of the things I like about the Harry Potter film series is that, as it progresses, aspects of the movies like the acting, the effects, and the cinematography do get better. The early ones, like “Sorcerer’s Stone” or “Chamber of Secrets,” are fun to watch in a lighthearted kid-friendly way, but there’s a lot that can be improved on.

The early movies are full of charm.

But by the end of the series I was blown away by how well-done both halves of “Deathly Hallows” were when I first saw them. Together, both parts of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” stand out as being, I think, the best of the series, with great acting from all of the main cast showing a wide emotional range, superb settings and special effects that look both magical and realistic, and beautiful cinematography capable of communicating to the audience just as much as the characters do. These aren’t just good Harry Potter movies, these are good movies.

But I can only pick one. To me, part 1 of “Deathly Hallows” wins out because of how different a movie it is than the rest of the series. This isn’t a movie about another year at Hogwarts with Harry and friends, this is a movie about Harry, Ron, and Hermione on the run and isolated. This is a character-driven movie, pretty much just centered on those three leads. Not that I don’t like the other movies and the magical goings-on around Hogwarts, but I get the most emotional depth from “Deathly Hallows part 1” because it lets us focus on our three heroes. I admit, the movie can feel a little slow at times, but I appreciate it because, in doing so, it lets us connect with the people more.

Apart from that, I also like “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1” because of how visually beautiful it is. Say what you will about how cool and enchanting Hogwarts can be, this movie stands out because we get a plethora of different, beautiful locations. Some of my favorite parts of “Deathly Hallows part 1” are the montage scenes where you see Harry, Ron, and Hermione traveling to different places around the U.K.

It's good to get out of the house every once in a while.

The Forest of Dean, the White Cliffs of Dover… we see Harry’s plight played out in more than just sitting around at Hogwarts. I think that both emotionally and visually, “Deathly Hallows part 1” provides some of the richest moments in the series. And that makes it my personal favorite.

And now comes the hard part…

Worst Harry Potter Movie: “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” (movie 3)

"Harry Potter and the Unfortunate Let-Down"

Now this one just makes me sad. Like I said last time, “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” definitely ranks as my favorite book of the series. So it really pains me to find “Prisoner of Azkaban” here as my least favorite movie.

What went wrong? Story-wise, I think the movie holds up well enough. And I think the acting’s a bit improved from the first two movies. They’re not the problem. The reason I don’t like this “Prisoner of Azkaban,” no matter how many times I watch it, is its cinematography. Compared to the rest of the series, I don’t like the way this one feels, the atmosphere or the directing style.

It’s kind of hard to explain. The first two Harry Potter movies, “Sorcerer’s Stone” and “Chamber of Secrets,” were both directed by Christopher Columbus and helped establish the movie series’ style for Hogwarts and Harry’s magical world. They established the artistic theme for the movies- what the castle, characters, design, effects, and even the film style of the movies felt like.

And while Chris Columbus stuck around to help produce “Prisoner of Azkaban,” directing duties were given to Mexican director Alfonso Cuaron.

"Trust me, it'll look good in post."

And Cuaron… changed things. I’m sure every director wants to make their movies feel like their own, but there were a lot of stylistic changes done with “Prisoner of Azkaban” that I didn’t like, nor do I think they fit well with the style of the series as a whole.

Maybe it’s just me, but there were a lot of things that took me out of the movie. Like the scene with Aunt Marge being reduced to slapstick, or the bizarre inclusion of talking shrunken heads in several spots in the movie.

What are you DOING here?

Or the puppet Monster Book of Monsters, the frog choir during the opening feast at Hogwarts, and the inclusion of a regular, nonmagical record player playing big band dance tunes. That in particular just felt really out-of-place in Harry’s magical world.

Not to mention the fact that this movie changed the locations for many places around Hogwarts, which really just left me confused as to where everything was. And as far as Michael Gambon being the new Dumbledore, yes, Richard Harris tragically died, but Gambon plays such a different Dumbledore it almost felt like he was a completely alien character. Story-wise, there’s no connection made between the Marauders’ Map and Harry’s father and a lot of important backstory about the Marauders is left out. Cinematically, there’s also way too many scenes that fade to black, which I understand kind of works with the dementors but after a while it just felt forced.

Bottom like, in my opinion “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” changed too much unnecessarily and left me feeling out-of-place. Every movie and every new director made changes to the Harry Potter universe, but this was the first and, in my opinion, the most jarring. Maybe I’m just nitpicking; I don’t know. But for as much I liked “Prisoner of Azkaban” as a book, the movie let me down. Decide for yourselves, but those are my picks for the best and worst of the Harry Potter movies.

- Natron out

"I'll set this place on fire..."

I may not be going back to school, and most of my friends will still be around to hang out with anyway, but this still feels like the end of summer…

…

Heck with it. We’ve still got a little vacation left, so I’ve decided to wrap up my summer by getting in a few last words on one of my summer highlights: seeing “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2.” I don’t have much else to say about the movie itself, but it was a great night spent with friends and now that I’ve seen it, yeah, I’m still a little sad that it’s over. I loved the series, the books and the movies. It was a part of my life for over 10 years, after all. It was a cultural phenomenon.

Gahhh!! Go away! Go away! WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!?

I meant a GOOD cultural phenomenon! Get lost, “Twilight.”

Anyways, something that important needs some closure. And now that the movies are all said and done, I thought this week would be a good time to look back on all that’s been and point out my favorites. Which of the Harry Potter books and movies are my favorites? And which do I like the least? This is completely opinion-based, based on personal preference instead of any statistical fact. I’m going to split this into two articles, with the movies in part two, but for now let’s look at what I consider the best and the worst Harry Potter books…

Best Harry Potter Book: “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” (book 3)

After saving up enough gold, Harry could finally afford his own flying mount.

Figures. The first choice I have to make is probably the hardest one to decide. Can’t I just say that I like them all for their own reasons? But I suppose, if I had to choose, “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” wins out. This is the one that I love the most. Explaining why, however, can be a little complex.

At its most basic, I like “Prisoner of Azkaban” because it’s the last of the more “innocent” years at Hogwarts. I first started reading Harry Potter when my grandma, who worked at a Borders bookstore, bought me a box set of the first three books. So they hold a special place in my heart for being “the first,” and together I think books 1-3 are the ones that introduced readers to a hidden world of magic and adventure.

"Come with me... and you'll be... in a world of pure imagination..."

I see the next book in the series, “Goblet of Fire” as the turning point of the whole series, when evil Lord Voldemort returned and everything got serious. Suddenly what started out as a simple story of a whimsical, magic world grew up and started dealing with issues of death, war, and corruption. It was an important change, but I still love the lighthearted magical world more, where whimsical things happened at random and the fate of the world wasn’t at stake. If I remember correctly, “Prisoner of Azkaban” is the one book in the series where Voldemort doesn’t appear at all. It has its darker, scarier moments, such as the spectral dementors or the ominous Sirius Black, but “Prisoner of Azkaban” was the last of the simpler, lighter adventures of Harry Potter.

The other major reason I really love the third book is because it has time travel. The climax of “Prisoner of Azkaban” involves Harry and Hermione going back in time to change events and help themselves, all while making sure not to be seen or disrupt the timeline. You get to see events happen twice from different perspectives. And that’s just awesome. Nevermind that it’s totally inconceivable that they’d let schoolkids time-travel, or that it’s never used again in the series, it’s just fun.

Yeah, my thoughts went here, too.

One of my favorite moments in the book comes when Harry finally grasps that they’ve actually managed to go back in time and simply states, “This is the weirdest thing we’ve ever done.”

Aside from that, “Prisoner of Azkaban” just has a lot of memorable scenes and things that I like. The Marauders’ Map, the boggart, Hogemeade, winning the Quidditch Cup, Buckbeak, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin… “Prisoner of Azkaban” is full of some of the best moments in the series.

And now…

Worst Harry Potter Book: “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” (book 5)

For some reason, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Unicorn Faeries" just didn't sound right.

This one is a little easier to decide. While I don’t consider any of the books bad, “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” is the one I probably like the least. And if I had to say why, I think it’s because I see this one as being, essentially, filler.

“Order of the Phoenix” is one of the longest books in the series, but it didn’t have to be. The previous book, “Goblet of Fire,” was also very lengthy, but there was a lot of plot crammed into it. “Goblet of Fire” had the Quidditch World Cup, the Triwizard Tournament, a fallout between Harry and Ron, the first task, the Yule Ball, the second task, the third task, Voldemort returning, Harry and Voldemort’s Duel, and the reveal of Barty Krouch Jr. That’s a lot.

And this happened.

“Order of the Phoenix” is also very long… but there’s just not enough plot to fill the pages. For me, the book boils down to just two memorable things: the vile Dolores Umbridge and the climactic fight at the Ministry of Magic. The introduction of Professor Umbridge is enjoyable, as she’s a revolting, mean-spirited person easy to hate, but she doesn’t make the story. She’s more of a self-important side character.

She is every mean teacher you've ever had.

Really, the entirety of the plot of “Order of the Phoenix” comes down to Harry piecing together that Voldemort wants to break into a room in the Ministry of Magic and finally confronting him there at the end of the schoolyear. That’s it. The whole plot of the book can be summed up in, “Voldemort wants to open a door.”

The other thing that upsets me with “Order of the Phoenix” (and, in a similar way, “The Half-Blood Prince”) is how a lot of the problems Harry ends up facing could easily be avoided if Dumbledore just TOLD HIM WHAT WAS GOING ON. Information about the mysterious “prophecy,” Harry’s premonitions, the fact that Voldemort is able to manipulate Harry’s thoughts, the Horcruxes… If someone had actually told Harry what was going on instead of keeping things from him “for his own safety,” maybe he could have made an intelligent decision that didn’t put the lives of his friends at risk. I bet Sirius might have lived longer, anyway…

If he can make fun of it, that makes it okay, right?

Beyond that, the book’s just a lot of filler. We get some political allegory with the way the Ministry of Magic tries to interfere with the school, but that’s not the main plot, either. The teen romance, Professor Umbridge, Hagrid’s giant half-brother… it all just feels like extra stuff to pad out a book that didn’t need to be. I consider it the low point of the series.

But enough of that. Now it’s time to look at the movies…

(to be continued)

- Natron out

Ugh.

Man, that was rough…

Guys, there are a lot of people out there who get really excited for summer vacation. They can’t wait to go out with family or friends and spend a week or so out under a bright sun and sip cool island drinks on a golden stretch of coast next to gently crashing waves. For many people, going to the beach is a trip to some kind of paradise.

I just love all the waves and sand and... waves... and sand...

I AM NOT ONE OF THESE PEOPLE.

Maybe I’m just weird, or paranoid, or maybe I just don’t get it, but whatever the reason every year I LOATHE the annual trip my family takes over to the Atlantic for a week at the beach. I hate it.

And yet I go every year. Mostly out of obligation, since even though I hate the beach I still want to spend time with my family. I don’t hate them, I just hate that every time we end up going to the beach.

I can’t stand the place. And not many people understand why. I think a lot of people just don’t get how I see the place. You might see the beach as a relaxing vacation destination. But all I can see are cheap tourist traps built over a barren wasteland.

Heck, a zombie outbreak would probably only make things more INTERESTING.

Really. Think about it. No matter what beach you go to, it’s the same thing. There’s a bunch of cheap hotels, the same five surf and tee-shirt stores over and over, way too many loud, annoying people, and an ocean full of poisonous water next to an endless horizon of SAND.

I HATE SAND. And when you get down to it, that’s all the beach is: just one big f*cking desert full of it. I HATE it. The beach isn’t some shiny, happy paradise. It’s nothingness. It’s a wasteland. It’s a barren, sand-filled oblivion.

This is essentially what we're dealing with here, people.

I only just got back. I’m lucky to have survived in one piece.

Now, I could keep on bitching, but instead I thought I’d use my own misfortunes as a way to help YOU, the people, learn some necessary survival skills in yet another dangerous situation. Which means it’s time for another:

Nathaniel Rose’s SURVIVAL GUIDE to Totally Real Situations!!!

It’s been a while, but this one’s worth the wait. You see, while we’ve covered zombie outbreak and freak superpowers before, this time I want to educate you on something just as dangerous as any of that: my own purgatory, the beach.

You see, aside from just being a SOUL-CRUSHING HELLHOLE, you might not realize that the beach can also be very life-threatening. It’s true. Danger may lurk around every dune, under every wave. So if you ever find yourself stuck there and you want to survive intact, you’re going to need a few helpful tips. So here goes…

The Situation:

You’re hanging out in your room, reading a good book, generally minding your own business and not doing anything that would deserve a week-long torture. Suddenly, your mother barges in and asks why you haven’t packed your suitcase yet. When you confusedly ask why, she says that tomorrow you’re going on a family vacation down to the seashore! Huzzah!

That’s what she thinks, anyway. Terror grips your heart… And before you can even blink, suddenly it’s 4:00 the next day and you’re already driving up to the beachhouse.

"Damn, this is gonna suc- Ooh! A hot tub!"

At that exact moment, WHAT DO YOU DO???

Parameters:

- It doesn’t matter what beach you go to. This survival guide is for general purpose wherever you are. Suffice to say that you’re stuck on a sand-covered shoreline next to some part of the ocean.

- No matter where, every beach is GUARENTEED to be fraught with danger. Really, it is. A golden shore where you can soak up the sunlight and waste the day away is a fairy-tale. Such a place does not exist.

- You cannot just take your family’s keys and drive home without them. Even if you really want to. And even if it’d be really easy. Eventually, they’ll find their way home too, and will be mad as hell. Unfortunately, you’re stuck here.

- You can’t just kill your family, either. Dude, that is just sick, twisted, and wrong… What the hell’s the matter with you? Geez… I mean, even though they did take you to the beach… No, just DON’T DO IT.

The Solution:

Probably the most important thing to remember when you find yourself deserted on a godforsaken beach is to ALWAYS keep your guard up. Danger could be everywhere, so always be waiting for it. Everything about the beach is meant to trick you into a false sense of security and enjoyment, but don’t fall for it! The gift shops, the boardwalk, the stores everywhere that sell kites and cheesy tee-shirts…

You know, the ones that are f*cking EVERYWHERE.

All of these are meant to lower your defenses and make you think that maybe the beach isn’t so bad after all. Don’t be fooled! Never relax, never try to “kick back and enjoy yourself” like your parents keep telling you to. Constant vigilance!

Also, when going to the beach, avoid the sand AT ALL COSTS! I know this may seem like a tall order, since sand is everywhere, but that’s my point: it’s EVERYWHERE. The moment you set foot in it, sand will try to consume you. It will get in your shorts, under your fingernails, behind your ears, up your nose, in your food, under your blankets, in your hair, everywhere!!! Sand is a living, thriving MONSTER that survives by pulling people down into itself. Never, EVER give it that chance. As much as you can, keep sand away from you, lest it consume you.

Just your average beach vacationer.

For that matter, watch out for the ocean, too. No, not because it’s a living monster like the sand. Rather, because it is the home of many, many other monsters… All sorts of slimy, stingy, spiky, and generally creepy beasties lurk below the surface. Everyone knows sharks are godless killing machines (I believe “Jaws” was based on a true story). And every once in a while there’s always the chance that some kraken may come by just to suck your face off. Sure, you can take a bogey board out and ride a few waves, but once you can’t see under the surface, all bets are off. The ocean may be just as dangerous as the beach itself.

However, though it may seem like there’s no way out of this one, there is hope. There is a way to make surviving the beach a bit easier: become a pirate.

"Llllladies..."

Yeah, a pirate. What makes pirates so special? Against every other type of person out there, it seems that pirates are the only ones capable of actually thriving on coastal beaches. While other people would be swallowed up by sand or attacked by the kraken, pirates somehow stay alive.

Maybe it’s cuz they’re just so drunk all the time. Maybe it’s because they’re really cursed and undead.

... Or both.

But whatever the reason, pirates somehow exist along the shores, so try becoming one yourself. And who knows? You may like it (with the exceptions of poor pay, dysentery, scurvy, peg legs, hook hands, terrible hygiene, hardtack, zero medical care, and being branded an outlaw by any and every civilized nation).

Beyond that, there’s still the minor dangers of heat stroke, drinking salt water, or being attacked by crab monsters, but hopefully you won’t have to worry about those. As it is, you’ve got the basics down to surviving a week in the most inhospitable environment imaginable: the beach.

An endless, sandy oblivion...

Well, that’s about as good as I can prepare you. I hope this has helped teach you how to survive the nightmare that is a beach vacation. Stuff like superpowers may only happen with a lucky few, but almost everyone is in danger of a trip to the beach. And now hopefully you realize just how terrifying it can really be. Feel free to post responses or any additional tips I’ve overlooked. Until then, I’ll see you when we discuss our next totally real situation.

- Natron out

Once again I find myself away from the computer for a while. In this case I’m here in-between a week of camp counseling in the mountains and a week of family vacation at the beach. So while I’m working on getting some new content together, August really isn’t a good month for me getting any work done.

However, I did want to stop by quickly and remind you all to celebrate! Why? Because this very week, 25 years ago, the original 1986 animated Transformers came out in theatres.

"Beyond your wildest imagination"? Dude, my imagination can get pretty wild...

Happy 25^th anniversary, everybody! Whoo!

True, Transformers as a franchise have been around longer than that, but “The Transformers: The Movie” still remains the pinnacle achievement of the original “Generation 1” series. The animation is great. The voice acting is top-notch, with stars like Leonard Nemoy to appeal to the nerds and Orson Wells to placate the film snobs. And the action and story still holds up after 25 years, something I highly doubt the Michael Bay movies will be able to boast about…

If you’re looking for a way to kill an hour-and-a-half this week, I highly recommend it. Check out the original (and in my opinion, still the greatest) Transformers movie and celebrate 25+ years of Transformers awesomeness.

… Except for the part where Optimus Prime dies.

Died... FOR YOUR SINS!

- Natron out