Because our lives are more interesting than yours.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nathaniel Rose is a professional survivor expert, trained to handle real(ish) survival situations. Professional advice should always be sought before entering any dangerous environment.

Treat! As if I would allow a Halloween to pass by without doing something special and nerdy for it.

Celebrate!

We may be down to the last few hours of October, but that’s just enough time to make it special. And informative. Once again, I thought I’d use this Halloween post to help educate YOU on all things important. So once again it’s time for another:

Nathaniel Rose’s SURVIVAL GUIDE to Totally Real Situations!!!

No, this Survival Guide will not deal with vampires OR werewolves (suck it, “Twilight”). Instead, this week I thought it would be important to revisit an old topic we covered last Halloween: the zombie apocalypse.

I don't see what the big deal is. I look like this every day.

Yes, we’ve dealt with zombies before, but with the new season of “The Walking Dead” having just started (and the endless “Night of the Living Dead” marathons they’ve been airing on TV this week) I believe there’s some new ground out there that I haven’t covered before. I’ve shown you what can happen right when infection starts, but what about after? If you survive the initial outbreak, what do you do to survive the day-to-day long after civilization has crumbled?

Step One: Pose LIKE A BOSS.

The Situation:

It’s been months since that first day the zombie infection broke out. You don’t know how or why, but it didn’t take long before it hit everyone, everywhere. Outbreak became plague, and soon plague became full-blown apocalypse. Life as you know it no longer exists; the zombies overwhelmed everything. No more government, no more media, no more production. No more civilization.

You were one of the lucky ones, so to speak. While the world around you went to hell you locked yourself away in an old fallout shelter and stayed there. But shelter won’t last forever. You’re running dangerously low on supplies. If you want to live, you’re going to have to step out into the zombie wasteland. At that exact moment, WHAT DO YOU DO???

Parameters:

- At this point, it doesn’t matter what kind of zombies they are. They could be the run-of-the-mill shambling kind with only a base intelligence or the “28 Days Later”/”I Am Legend” kind that can think and run faster than us. By now they’ve infected or killed everyone anyway, so it makes little difference.

- As per our last zombie Survival Guide, zombies pass infection through blood contact. If you get any inside you, you have only minutes before you too become the walking undead.

- Zombies are NOT susceptible to pain or loss of limb. To kill them, take out the brain or decapitate them.

Badass. By the way, you've got red on you...

- As far as you know, there is no secret safe zone in some distant land that’s remained free of infection. To the best of your knowledge, there is no outside help. You’re on your own.

The Solution:

I think I should say right off the bat that this is one of those survival situations that does not have a happy ending. Like when Bear Grylls DELIBERATELY jumps into a frozen lake, if this happens to us, we probably won’t survive. Because when it comes to the zombie apocalypse, if you’ve survived this far your outlook is bleak no matter what happens. You’re in an apocalyptic scenario, for crying out loud. Even if the zombies DON’T get you, it’s not like the world will magically get better and you’ll live happily ever after married with kids (well, okay, it magically could, but magic is probably a topic for another Survival Guide).

But if you’re willing to toughen up and face the post-apocalyptic music, then, just like last time, I’d say the VERY FIRST thing you should think of is protection. FIND A WEAPON. Baseball bats, axes, swords, whatever. Guns and chainsaws are all well and good, but those things won’t last forever without ammo or fuel. And at this point, both might be a little hard to come by.

Sometimes simple works best.

But no matter what, always have something close at hand you can defend yourself with. At the very least, have someone around you can abandon to the zombies so they don’t eat you instead. Remember, to outrun zombies, you just have to be faster than your slowest friend. : )

When there’s no safe place to go, you’re gonna want to keep moving. Travel light, packing only things you think you’ll need to survive. Scavenge what food you can from old food stores (but always look out for zombies). I’ve heard that Twinkies can last a while…

This could be promising...

I’d also recommend finding a vehicle, probably something that can go off-road. Rugged, dependable. If you can find the gas for it, it definitely makes travel a lot easier and provides a bit of security. And remember, it’s not really stealing… because the owner is already dead.

Most importantly, when living in a zombie wasteland, it can be easy to get dark and depressed. After all, everyone you know is dead and even you yourself are just trying to hold off the inevitable until you find yourself trapped by the crushing darkness, right? WRONG! Well, right… But the point is that even in the zombie apocalypse (especially in the zombie apocalypse) you need to be strong mentally as well as physically. Always try to keep your spirits up, even when the future looks bleak.

"Don't freak out, okay?"

According to Zombieland, “Enjoy the little things.” Smash stuff. LOTS of stuff. See new places. Get a little creative in the way you kill zombies (two words: kitten cannon). If you want to keep from going crazy, sometimes to keep going you have to find the fun side of things. Even in a zombie apocalypse.

As you can see, there’s more to living in a zombie-overrun world than just the zombies. Really it’s about self-reliance and never giving up. That, and excessive gore. Lots and lots of gore… Anyway, hopefully you’ve learned some useful information on just how to survive. See you next time when we discuss another totally real situation.

- Natron out

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nathaniel Rose is a professional survivor expert, trained to handle real(ish) survival situations. Professional advice should always be sought before entering any dangerous environment.

Ugh.

Man, that was rough…

Guys, there are a lot of people out there who get really excited for summer vacation. They can’t wait to go out with family or friends and spend a week or so out under a bright sun and sip cool island drinks on a golden stretch of coast next to gently crashing waves. For many people, going to the beach is a trip to some kind of paradise.

I just love all the waves and sand and... waves... and sand...

I AM NOT ONE OF THESE PEOPLE.

Maybe I’m just weird, or paranoid, or maybe I just don’t get it, but whatever the reason every year I LOATHE the annual trip my family takes over to the Atlantic for a week at the beach. I hate it.

And yet I go every year. Mostly out of obligation, since even though I hate the beach I still want to spend time with my family. I don’t hate them, I just hate that every time we end up going to the beach.

I can’t stand the place. And not many people understand why. I think a lot of people just don’t get how I see the place. You might see the beach as a relaxing vacation destination. But all I can see are cheap tourist traps built over a barren wasteland.

Heck, a zombie outbreak would probably only make things more INTERESTING.

Really. Think about it. No matter what beach you go to, it’s the same thing. There’s a bunch of cheap hotels, the same five surf and tee-shirt stores over and over, way too many loud, annoying people, and an ocean full of poisonous water next to an endless horizon of SAND.

I HATE SAND. And when you get down to it, that’s all the beach is: just one big f*cking desert full of it. I HATE it. The beach isn’t some shiny, happy paradise. It’s nothingness. It’s a wasteland. It’s a barren, sand-filled oblivion.

This is essentially what we're dealing with here, people.

I only just got back. I’m lucky to have survived in one piece.

Now, I could keep on bitching, but instead I thought I’d use my own misfortunes as a way to help YOU, the people, learn some necessary survival skills in yet another dangerous situation. Which means it’s time for another:

Nathaniel Rose’s SURVIVAL GUIDE to Totally Real Situations!!!

It’s been a while, but this one’s worth the wait. You see, while we’ve covered zombie outbreak and freak superpowers before, this time I want to educate you on something just as dangerous as any of that: my own purgatory, the beach.

You see, aside from just being a SOUL-CRUSHING HELLHOLE, you might not realize that the beach can also be very life-threatening. It’s true. Danger may lurk around every dune, under every wave. So if you ever find yourself stuck there and you want to survive intact, you’re going to need a few helpful tips. So here goes…

The Situation:

You’re hanging out in your room, reading a good book, generally minding your own business and not doing anything that would deserve a week-long torture. Suddenly, your mother barges in and asks why you haven’t packed your suitcase yet. When you confusedly ask why, she says that tomorrow you’re going on a family vacation down to the seashore! Huzzah!

That’s what she thinks, anyway. Terror grips your heart… And before you can even blink, suddenly it’s 4:00 the next day and you’re already driving up to the beachhouse.

"Damn, this is gonna suc- Ooh! A hot tub!"

At that exact moment, WHAT DO YOU DO???

Parameters:

- It doesn’t matter what beach you go to. This survival guide is for general purpose wherever you are. Suffice to say that you’re stuck on a sand-covered shoreline next to some part of the ocean.

- No matter where, every beach is GUARENTEED to be fraught with danger. Really, it is. A golden shore where you can soak up the sunlight and waste the day away is a fairy-tale. Such a place does not exist.

- You cannot just take your family’s keys and drive home without them. Even if you really want to. And even if it’d be really easy. Eventually, they’ll find their way home too, and will be mad as hell. Unfortunately, you’re stuck here.

- You can’t just kill your family, either. Dude, that is just sick, twisted, and wrong… What the hell’s the matter with you? Geez… I mean, even though they did take you to the beach… No, just DON’T DO IT.

The Solution:

Probably the most important thing to remember when you find yourself deserted on a godforsaken beach is to ALWAYS keep your guard up. Danger could be everywhere, so always be waiting for it. Everything about the beach is meant to trick you into a false sense of security and enjoyment, but don’t fall for it! The gift shops, the boardwalk, the stores everywhere that sell kites and cheesy tee-shirts…

You know, the ones that are f*cking EVERYWHERE.

All of these are meant to lower your defenses and make you think that maybe the beach isn’t so bad after all. Don’t be fooled! Never relax, never try to “kick back and enjoy yourself” like your parents keep telling you to. Constant vigilance!

Also, when going to the beach, avoid the sand AT ALL COSTS! I know this may seem like a tall order, since sand is everywhere, but that’s my point: it’s EVERYWHERE. The moment you set foot in it, sand will try to consume you. It will get in your shorts, under your fingernails, behind your ears, up your nose, in your food, under your blankets, in your hair, everywhere!!! Sand is a living, thriving MONSTER that survives by pulling people down into itself. Never, EVER give it that chance. As much as you can, keep sand away from you, lest it consume you.

Just your average beach vacationer.

For that matter, watch out for the ocean, too. No, not because it’s a living monster like the sand. Rather, because it is the home of many, many other monsters… All sorts of slimy, stingy, spiky, and generally creepy beasties lurk below the surface. Everyone knows sharks are godless killing machines (I believe “Jaws” was based on a true story). And every once in a while there’s always the chance that some kraken may come by just to suck your face off. Sure, you can take a bogey board out and ride a few waves, but once you can’t see under the surface, all bets are off. The ocean may be just as dangerous as the beach itself.

However, though it may seem like there’s no way out of this one, there is hope. There is a way to make surviving the beach a bit easier: become a pirate.

"Llllladies..."

Yeah, a pirate. What makes pirates so special? Against every other type of person out there, it seems that pirates are the only ones capable of actually thriving on coastal beaches. While other people would be swallowed up by sand or attacked by the kraken, pirates somehow stay alive.

Maybe it’s cuz they’re just so drunk all the time. Maybe it’s because they’re really cursed and undead.

... Or both.

But whatever the reason, pirates somehow exist along the shores, so try becoming one yourself. And who knows? You may like it (with the exceptions of poor pay, dysentery, scurvy, peg legs, hook hands, terrible hygiene, hardtack, zero medical care, and being branded an outlaw by any and every civilized nation).

Beyond that, there’s still the minor dangers of heat stroke, drinking salt water, or being attacked by crab monsters, but hopefully you won’t have to worry about those. As it is, you’ve got the basics down to surviving a week in the most inhospitable environment imaginable: the beach.

An endless, sandy oblivion...

Well, that’s about as good as I can prepare you. I hope this has helped teach you how to survive the nightmare that is a beach vacation. Stuff like superpowers may only happen with a lucky few, but almost everyone is in danger of a trip to the beach. And now hopefully you realize just how terrifying it can really be. Feel free to post responses or any additional tips I’ve overlooked. Until then, I’ll see you when we discuss our next totally real situation.

- Natron out

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nathaniel Rose is a professional survivor expert, trained to handle real(ish) survival situations. Professional advice should always be sought before entering any dangerous environment.

Okay, so as of right now I’m currently stuck in the worst part of the semester: that final month when teachers decide they’re going to dump all sorts of crap on you because, hey, who wouldn’t love to write a 10-page essay on the progression of the human perspective from a natural to a more artificial worldview, making sure to carefully select and document multiple sources. M’riiiiight?

Urge to kill... rising...

I’m sure I’m gonna snap. It’s just a matter of time.

It doesn’t help that there’s nothing really going on right now. I don’t even have “Smallville” to distract me from work; new episodes don’t start for another few weeks. Crap. However, I did think of something that may help me fill the void. I may not have “Smallville” to watch, but I can always talk about superhero stuff. And after many months, I think it’s high time for another:

Nathaniel Rose’s SURVIVAL GUIDE to Totally Real Situation!!!

I brought all of you up to speed on zombie survival last time, but now we’re going to take things in a different direction. As you all know, being a stereotypical nerd, I love superheroes. Well, most of the time, anyway… Some time in the future I’ll probably rant on how I feel about “Spider-Man 3” or the Fantastic Four. It won’t be pretty.

Smirk while you can, Emo Peter. Smirk while you can...

But while I’m stuck in this funk right now I always end up thinking how much easier life would be if I were a superhero. Oh sure, you’d have to save people and rescue cats every once in a while. But I bet a lot of the time it’d be pretty awesome. You could fly! Or move faster than people could see you. Or be really strong. I even once had an interesting conversation with Matt about how he’d burn the world to the ground if he could (and it was creep-y). Anyways, this week let’s look at how to survive superpowers!

Force lightning!! What? Force lightning is totally a superpower.

The Situation:

For some unknown reason, you and your buddies are keeping it real at the science lab, doing research, conducting experiments, and, um… I don’t know, science stuff (insert technobabble here). While you’re pushing buttons and mixing chemicals, something goes wrong and your lab experiment explodes, bathing you in hazardous chemicals and radiation.

Because science works this way.

Miraculously, you come out okay and it seems like nothing bad happened to you. But later that day, you begin to feel strange and queasy. You know exactly what’s happened!

No, no, it’s not cancer… Thank God. Lucked out on that one… No, you’ve gotten superpowers! At that exact moment, WHAT DO YOU DO???

Parameters:

- What your superpower is isn’t really important. You could be able to stop bullets, create fire, or fly, but it doesn’t really matter. These are general survival tips that work for any superpower.

- Your superpower is PERMANENT. You don’t need to keep taking super-serum or refill your web-launcher to keep it working. You may exhaust yourself, but your power is always there.

- You can’t choose your power. Lab accidents are, well, accidents. Let’s just say that it isn’t totally lame and it won’t kill you.

I said a power that ISN'T totally lame.

The Solution:

First thing’s first: LEARN SOME CONTROL. It doesn’t do you any good if you have a superpower but can’t use it right. If you can walk through walls, make sure you don’t fall through the floor with every step. If you have heat vision, learn how to dim it so you don’t accidentally burn your best friend’s face off. Practice a little.

"Holy crap! I, um... I can fix this..."

Take some classes (community colleges offer stuff like that, right?). Spend some time getting used to your new abilities so you know how to use them. Don’t do yoga (tai chi is acceptable).

And while you’re busy mastering your newfound “skillz,” DON’T SHOW OFF!! Oh sure, you might want to, but really, don’t go around bragging to everyone you see that you’re superhuman. Why? Because other people suck. Little old ladies will be hounding you to get their cats out of trees. Nerdy guys will want your autographs and ask if they can be your “sidekick.” Blah, blah blah. And the government? Trust me; just don’t even go there. You’ll either wind up on an operating table or coerced into being a secret weapon for the military.

Even the nice government agents are jerks... because THEY'RE STILL GOVERNMENT AGENTS.

For now, the best thing to do is lay low. From everyone. Don’t even tell your BFFs if you can help it. It’ll end up all over the Twitterbooks and the Faceypages.

But don’t worry, now comes the fun stuff. After you’ve learned to control your powers, exploit them for all they’re worth. Totally serious here. If no one else knows you have superpowers, use them to get away with WHATEVER YOU WANT. Steal some stuff. Get revenge on that jackass that messed with you in the past. They won’t see it coming. So go ahead! Now, some of you are probably asking yourselves, “Is this ethical?” And to that I’d have to argue: who cares? You’ve unstoppable! You have the power, so go on, indulge a little.

Or this could happen...

Eventually, though, you just might get bored with robbing people blind. Eventually. When that happens, it’s time to go big. Create a super-identity that you can use whenever you want to use your powers in public. Pick a name. Make a costume. As long as they don’t totally suck, go nuts.

No, just... Damn it, no. Just stop, Brandon Routh. Just stop.

However, make sure that your new identity can in NO WAY be connected to who you really are. That way, you can use your powers and still lead a normal life when you want to. Dual identities can be fun!

Hopefully at this point you’re well on your way to surviving a life with superpowers. Maybe you’ll be some big superhero, rescuing people and never having to pay your taxes. Or maybe you’ll want to be a supervillian. I mean, screw helping people. Being a jerk is way more fun. You’ll be feared and hated, but I say it’s worth it.

Being evil sometimes just puts a smile on your face.

Either way, now you know what it takes to survive.

So there you have it. Spontaneously getting superpowers may not be for everyone, but who knows? It could be YOU. And if it is, now you’re prepared. As with last time, feel free to post responses or any additional tips I’ve overlooked. Until then, I’ll see you when we discuss our next totally real situation.

- Natron out

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nathaniel Rose is a professional survivor expert, trained to handle real(ish) survival situations. Professional advice should always be sought before entering any dangerous environment.

Oh, October… You came like a flash at the end of September and vanished just as quickly. I’m going to miss your orange-and-brown charm, your delightfully quirky way of scaring the hell out of me by making me reflect on my own darkest fears…

Mother of God...

Sigh…

Still, we’ve got a few more minutes of October left. And today IS Halloween, after all. I can’t think of a better way to round out the month than with another:

Nathaniel Rose’s SURVIVAL GUIDE to Totally Real Situations!!!

Remember, in each Survival Guide, I present you with a totally possible dangerous situation which I will then show YOU how to handle. And for a Survival Guide on Halloween, I thought we’d go with something truly terrifying that many of us know can happen: a zombie outbreak.

The Situation:

You’re hanging out at the local mall when suddenly you hear screaming and shouting. You look over to see people running from a woman being bitten by what looks like a rotting hippie that has just burst into the mall.

"Change? Spare some change? Aw, come on, help a guy out, will ya?"

You recognize at once that it is a ZOMBIE, and looking past it you can see many more outside! Clearly a mass zombie outbreak has occurred, and may even now be wiping out the rest of the country. At that exact moment, WHAT DO YOU DO???

Parameters:

- The zombies are the run-of-the-mill shambling kind with only a base intelligence. They are not like the “28 Days Later”/”I Am Legend” kind that can think and run faster than us. If they were, humanity would be SCREWED.

Remain absolutely still. It's vision is based on movement. Wait... Oh s#!%.

- Zombies pass infection through blood contact. If you get any inside you, you have only minutes before you too become the walking undead.

- Zombies are NOT susceptible to pain or loss of limb. To kill them, take out the brain or decapitate them.

The Solution:

In any zombie outbreak, the VERY FIRST thing you should think of is protection. Find a weapon close at hand that can take out zombies or at least make them keep their distance. I recommend baseball bats, axes, shovels, etc. Guns only if you have enough ammo. I would not recommend knives because they aren’t long enough.

Dude, whatever works for you, Woody Harrelson.

Once you have some weapon to defend yourself, GET THE F**K OUT OF THERE!!! One thing you don’t want to do is get trapped in an enclosed space by overwhelming numbers. No matter how good you are at killing zombies, numbers will win out in the end.

Yeah, bro. You can totally take these guys. Fo' sha'.

In the ensuing panic, find a back door somewhere that has fewer zombies surrounding it and run for it. If you have a car, make your way to it if you think you can. Kill the zombies in your way, but don’t go around looking for a fight. Not yet…

At this point, start worrying about how wide the infection has spread. Call up friends and family. If they’re alive, rescue them from their houses and band together for survival. Start thinking about the long-term. If they don’t answer their phones, chances are they’re dead already.

And while you’re banding together, LOAD UP ON SUPPLIES. Grab any food, weapons, etc. you can load into your car. If civilization is crumbling in the face of widespread outbreak, you are going to have to accept that you must survive on your own. Take anything you need to survive.

"It's my industrial strength hairdryer, and I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT."

At this point, you should be well on your way to surviving long-term. With whoever you’ve teamed up with, I’d advise adopting a nomadic lifestyle. Travel by day and raid the old, deserted food stores for supplies. NEVER stay in one place too long, or risk getting cornered by zombies (don’t be an idiot and walk into a creepy, dark building that probably has zombies lurking behind every corner). Deal with the overwhelming fear and emptiness as you see fit.

I don't have a joke for this one. I just thought it looked disturbingly cool.

I hope this has helped teach you how to survive a zombie outbreak. If and when one occurs, now you’ll be ready to face it head-on. Feel free to post responses or any additional tips I’ve overlooked. Until then, I’ll see you when we discuss our next totally real situation.

Sonofabitch, they just made it worse!

- Natron out

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nathaniel Rose is a professional survivor expert, trained to handle real(ish) survival situations. Professional advice should always be sought before entering any dangerous environment.

Alright, here we go. Guys, I know there are a lot of shows out there that like to think they help teach you how to survive really “dangerous” situations. And some of them I like. Say what you want about Bear Grylls, but I’ve got to give props to a guy who is batshit INSANE enough to go jumping into a frozen lake or drink moisture out of elephant dung. He’s crazy as hell, but I respect that.

UL-TI-MATE POWAAAH!!!

However, I realize there are some survival situations they don’t cover that I feel people should be absolutely aware of for their own safety. That’s why I’ve taken it upon myself to help educate YOU, and make sure you have what it takes to survive against time travel, zombie hordes, killer robots, and many more TOTALLY REAL situations. Ladies and gentlemen, I can think of nothing better this week than to educate YOU with something I like to call:

Nathaniel Rose’s SURVIVAL GUIDE to Totally Real Situations!!!

Told you this would be good. And for the inaugural episode of my Survival Guide here on Twisted Encore, I’m branching out into a new area I haven’t touched before. I’ve already written Survival Guides on how to survive the zombie apocalypse, transforming alien robots, and superpowers (all of which I hope to post on here someday soon), but somewhere I haven’t really delved into yet is the realm of fantasy. Swords and sorcery. Dragons. Places where almost anything might be possible. Even here it’s my job to help show YOU how to survive.

“But Nathaniel,” you might be thinking, “what’s the point in that? Zombies and superpowers could maybe happen one day thanks to crazy science and technology, but dragons and fantasy don’t exist.”

To which I would respond with a very Kevin Spacey-esque “WRONG!”

Kevin Spacey does not approve.

True, we might not live in a fantasy world here, but if there’s one thing that both fantasy and science fiction have taught us, it’s that there quite possibly could exist countless worlds out there, realms branching out across the multiverse in other times and places. And if you ever somehow find yourself whisked away to one of them you’d better be PREPARED! So to help YOU, today I thought I’d start by looking at a broad overview of some of the most classical elements of fantasy… through visiting one of its most well-known domains. Today I’m going to help show you how to survive MIDDLE-EARTH.

The Situation:

You’ve always considered yourself to be a (fairly) normal human being. You live with both feet on the ground. You’re not even on any serious medication (well, except for that one time with the rabbit and the jack-in-the-box. But you got over it).

So imagine your surprise when one day you start getting visions, flashes of people and places you’ve never seen. At first they only start out as vivid dreams, but soon they’re coming to you when you’re awake. They almost seem real. Words like “Numenor” and “Anarion” pop into your head despite you never having heard them before. It all keeps becoming more and more real… You’re more confused than when you saw Inception.

Dude, like... woah.

And then one day when you think you can’t take it anymore, you’re hit with a flash of light and a sense of falling. When you come to, you find yourself lying in a very unfamiliar place. There’s a big white city with seven levels nearby, and off to the east the sky is all red and dark and ominous.  You may not realize it just yet, but you’ve suddenly found yourself in Middle-earth. At that exact moment, WHAT DO YOU DO???

"It's only a model..."

Parameters:

- Though you’ve arrived in Middle-earth, this week’s Survival Guide is meant to be a template for similar fantasy worlds that are all part of a sub-genre called “high fantasy.” High fantasy is some of the more “traditional” fantasy realms. High fantasy can be noble, epic, and grand in scale. This Survival Guide is designed to provide general advice for many of these realms.

- High fantasy worlds like Middle-earth, Narnia, or Andor can be relatively similar to Earth, save for a select few key differences, like the presence of magic or other humanoid races. High fantasy realms aren’t usually that “out there” in design (no ice-worlds or always-on-fire worlds, etc.)

- Magic in high fantasy also tends to be governed by a set of clear-cut rules and not just used however is convenient at the moment. Leave the deus ex machinas to lesser writers…

- You arrive in Middle-earth as you are, bringing with you only what you had on at the time.

- One does not simply walk into Mordor… unless you’re Bear Grylls. He can walk into Mordor.

... followed closely by his camera crew.

The Solution:

Guys, I’m going to level with you here for a sec. I really can’t tell you the first thing you should do in a survival situation like this because, honestly, if I ever found myself in it, I would be way too busy NERDING THE F&@% OUT. HOLY S#!+, I’M IN F&@%ING MIDDLE-EARTH! OH MAN, THIS IS THE COOLEST DAMN THING EVER!! WHOOO!! WHOOO!!

NEEEERRD!!

And then after that I’d spend the next half hour getting my heart rate back down.

Okay, okay… Then after that I would finally get down to business. Like in other Survival Guides, one of the FIRST things you should do is prepare yourself as best you can with what you have. Take stock and determine anything you have that might be useful. Organize the number of items in your inventory (only 8 slots in your bag!).

Find whatever weapon is close at hand, even if it’s just a stick or a rock. Yes, by all means trade up if you have something better, but you don’t want to be totally defenseless. Because no matter where you are, in fantasy realms there’s always some obstacle lurking somewhere down your path. It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door…

Once you’ve prepared yourself (and hotkeyed your basic shielding and arcane spells), you should then attempt to make your way to civilization. This can be tricky, not only because the way can hold untold dangers, but also because you should be very careful with whatever civilization you try making your way to. Some can be downright nasty (one does not simply walk into Mordor FOR A REASON). Others, however, may simply not like YOU. There’s a surprising amount of racial prejudice in fantasy worlds…

Elves in particular can really be condescending to other races, i.e. stuck-up, pointy-eared, tree-hugging, I’m-so-cool-cuz-I’m-immortal-and-you’re-not, prettyboy pretentious pricks.

He thinks he's sooooo cool... Jerk.

9 times out of 10 if you’re not an elf like them, you’ll be blocked at the gate and told to GTFO (from whence you came!).

And dwarves… just keep your distance. They’ll either always want to fight or always annoy you as bad comedy relief.

Just... why, Peter Jackson? Why?

Bottom line, just know what peoples are cool to hang out with and which aren’t.

But while making it to safe, secure civilization might seem like the end goal in any survival situation, it really isn’t. Yes, you could settle down and make a living if you wanted, but everyone knows that the best part of any fantasy world is ADVENTURE!

Sorry, one more spaz attack here… ADVENTURE!!!!!

You can’t fully experience any fantasy world if you just sit in the nice, safe village and decide to be a blacksmith for the rest of your life. There’s an ENTIRE WORLD out there waiting for you to discover. Granted, it is probably a dangerous, magical, mysterious world, but the fun lies in actually going out and doing. Learn some MAGIC. Get your own sword… and go out and use it! Just be ready for lots of long walks. Experience! Explore! Quest!

Put your LARPing skills to the test.

Maybe one day down the road I’ll look into questing in more detail…

When stuck in a fantasy world, take it for all it’s worth.

Until then, I hope this has helped teach you how better to survive your basic fantasy world. I’m sure in the future I’ll try touching on more fantasy aspects individually, but I hope this provided a good overview. Feel free to post responses or any additional tips I’ve overlooked. Until then, I’ll see you when we discuss our next totally real situation.

- Natron out