Because our lives are more interesting than yours.

Ladies and gentlemen, I invite you now to participate with me in a moment of ritualistic celebration. This week marks a huge milestone for this blog. For, as of this week (excluding any introductory posts), I have been writing for TwistedEncore for one whole year. Huzzah!

We did it! Whooo!!!

I know, I know. Take a moment. Soak it all in. Rejoice. I am your king!

…

Aww, now I look like a jerk. I let all of my petty successes go to my head.

Now I feel shame…

…

Okay, I think I’ve let that all work through my system. Anywho, with this week being a personal milestone for me, I thought this would be a good time to talk about another important accomplishment. This spring, DC Comics celebrated a huge milestone: Action Comics, one of its running series featuring the adventures of Superman, hit its 900^th issue.

So much ACTION!!!

That’s pretty darn huge. Action Comics is DC’s longest-running series, published on a (mostly) monthly basis since it’s first issue in 1938. As far as I know, no other series has reached such a milestone, published continually with only a few interruptions for over 70 years.

Seriously, just stop and let that sink in for a second. 70 years. 900 issues.

The reason I bring this up now is that, just this month, DC Comics has been celebrating a… different kind of milestone. In the wake of this summer’s all-encompassing “Flashpoint” story, DC stopped all of its current publications and relaunched its entire line of comics, starting everything back at issue #1. Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, etc. This month, all DC comics are starting over.

This means that Action Comics, after running for over 70 years and achieving a record-level number of issues, is starting back at 1.

902... 903... 904... 1... Wait, WHAT?

This upsets me.

The reason DC Comics has been restarting all of their titles is, according to DC’s publisher Dan DiDio, to provide an accessible “jumping-on point” for new readers to start at, a new beginning comic book readers can follow without having to worry about 70-odd years of continuity behind it. To that end, the September relaunch is also serving as a “reboot” for the DC universe, a chance to change continuity and events. This summer’s “Flashpoint” storyline was written as an excuse to change history.

Long story short, in “Flashpoint,” the Flash found himself stuck in an alternate, dystopian timeline and had to fix things so that the real timeline could be restored.

Eeeeeverything you know is wrong! Black is white, up is down, and short is long!

This he accomplished, but in doing so minor, accidental changes were made to the timeline anyway. And so a modern, “new” DC universe has begun.

DC has been building up to the relaunch with a lot of hype, but really I’m struggling to see the point. Yes, having everything start at issue #1 is a good hook to bring in new readers at the “start,” but how long will that last? 10 or 15 issues down the road and suddenly anyone who wants to start reading the series will have to backtrack to find out what’s going on anyway. Restarting everything at #1 is a gimmick that won’t last very long at all.

But what’s really pissing me off about this whole “reboot” is how haphazardly everything’s being handled. This whole thing is being touted as the birth of the “new DC Universe,” except there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to what’s being changed. Batman is still keeping the same continuity. They’re still keeping the current Robin, Bruce Wayne’s own biological son, Damian, even though any new reader probably won’t know who the heck that is or where he came from.

Actually the FIFTH Robin. Bonus points if you can name them all.

Green Lantern is keeping the same continuity, despite the Green Lantern Corps having just fought a civil war that caused a lot of collateral damage new readers aren’t going to know about. New readers aren’t going to understand any of this. If this is a new beginning then have a new beginning.

However… However, out of the entirety of this DC Comics relaunch, the character I feel sorry for the most has got to be Superman. Because the changes DC has made to this guy are tragic.

Haters gonna hate.

Setting aside the fact that they decided to restart Action Comics after having just achieved 900 FREAKING ISSUES, Dan DiDio and DC Comics have seen fit to change Superman’s character and backstory to a point where he almost seems a caricature of his former self.

I guess the first thing to point out is that, once again, they’ve changed Superman’s backstory. Yeah, this may seem unimportant, but this has to be about the 5^th different origin story we’ve been given for Superman in the past 10 years. “Birthright,” “Secret Origins,” even the out-of-continuity stories like “Superman: Earth One” or “All-Star Superman” have tried presenting different tales of Superman’s earliest days. JUST STOP. You don’t see this kind of confusion with Batman. So why does everyone feel the need to change Superman’s backstory?

Came out last year. ALREADY OBSOLETE.

This time around, we find a young adult Superman whose adoptive parents are both long-dead and who has grown up isolated and alone. Wow. Way to go there. So long, strong moral foundation!

Not only that, but now after 15 years of continuity, Superman and Lois Lane, devoted husband and wife, are no longer married. No divorce, no falling out. In this “new” continuity, their marriage just never happened.

15 years of marriage GONE.

Why? Simply because Dan DiDio (and yes, I’m placing a lot of blame on this guy) and DC thought that Superman is more relatable and his stories have more tension if he were single. If he’s married to Lois, their dynamic isn’t interesting enough and there’s no drama there.

Dear Mr. DiDio: F#@% YOU.

Promoted "Superman: Earth One" as a Superman story "for the Twilight generation." Go. To. Hell.

You don’t think there’s tension in marriage? You don’t think there’s compelling drama between two people when they’re in a relationship, especially when one of them’s a superhero? Go to hell. Think about firefighters, or cops, or soldiers. You don’t think there’s drama in their relationships with their significant others? Heck, in any marriage, there’s conflict. There’s tension. There’s drama. Marriage and committed relationships can make for good story. Even young readers can appreciate that.

But no, we had to reboot everything for no good reason.

"I have altered the DC Universe. Pray I don't alter it further."

All gone! Instead of writing new stories exploring the complexities of Clark Kent and Lois Lane having to deal with problems as a married couple, you’d rather go back to stories that have been played out for 50 years about an awkward, unrequited love triangle between Lois, Clark, and his alter ego.

Oh wait, no, you don’t want to do that, either. You’d rather have Superman be a dark, brooding loner who is so cold and distant he doesn’t connect with anyone.

Hmmm... KIND OF LIKE THIS GUY.

Damn it, DC. You and I aren’t cool right now.

- Natron out

Hmm… Methinks I haven’t been out to see a movie in a while… I haven’t done an “At the Movies” since the last “Harry Potter” back in December.

But that’s okay, because I just got back from seeing the new Marvel Comics movie “Thor” in theatres with Matt and a few of our other friends and I thought I might as well talk about it.

Stop! Hammer time.

How was it? Well, before I actually get into any kind of review, I think I probably need to point out a few background things first.

Number one: I don’t actually know that much about Thor. I’ve read some Thor comics, but not much. I’m one of those guys who prefers DC over Marvel, and even when I do read Marvel, it’s almost never Thor.

Number two: I don’t really understand Thor. I don’t specifically mean the character himself, but more how Thor and everything about him relates to the rest of the Marvel Comics universe. I don’t get it; I’ve never really been able to understand how Thor and all these Norse gods and monsters fit in with superheroes like Iron Man or Captain America. It’s always seemed out of place to me. All these other heroes have their powers through mutation, radiation, mutation, drugs, mutation, a mech suit, or mutation, but then Thor is… a Norse god. Wha..? Yeah, I know they explain it, but to me it’s just never seemed to fit. What is Norse mythology doing in Marvel Comics?

Alright, now that I think about it, it ALL seems kind of silly...

It’s like how DC Comics has the Olympian gods because of Wonder Woman. What are they doing there? And, back to Thor, why specifically is it Norse mythology that Marvel Comics uses? Maybe it’s something you just have to accept and move on, but I’ve never been able to get used to it.

Number three: I did not see this movie in 3D, which I think is probably for the best. I don’t think 3D would have added anything to the movie and actually probably would have made it more irritating to watch. I consider it three bucks saved from stupid glasses I did not need. 3D is nothing more than a cheap gimmick used to con us out of more money. Good riddance.

Alright, I just wanted to make all of that clear so that now I can officially tell all of you that, in my humble opinion, “Thor” was… meh.

Meh.

Just… meh.

Really. That’s probably the best I can say for it. It wasn’t bad, but I didn’t think it was that great. For me, “Thor” was an underwhelmingly average movie that I didn’t find overly exciting or engaging. I know I say that as someone who just admitted to never being that interested in Thor to begin with, but maybe that’s the point. As someone coming into this movie without much of any pre-established knowledge or expectations, I thought “Thor” was just… okay.

There were certainly things about it that I liked. In particular, I thought that “Thor” was pretty damn awesome visually. Costumes were surprisingly good (anyone who can make Thor’s costume look realistic deserves praise), the special effects were nice, but the sets were especially cool. Scenes on Thor’s home world of Asgard are golden and epic, showing pretty much exactly what you’d expect the realm of mighty godlike beings to look like.

I don't know what I'm looking at but man does it look cool.

And the night shots really drive home that this is a world floating in the stars, on the edge of a vast and beautiful cosmos.

(But honestly, did anyone else think “Rainbow Road” when they saw that bridge? I almost thought the guys from Mario Kart were going to drive by.)

So I definitely liked the visual side of “Thor.” But as I’m mulling this over, I think my problem with the movie was that couldn’t get myself to care story-wise. Even though there was this great big stunning world to look at, I couldn’t really get myself interested in what was going on or connect with the characters. I was never given any real reason why I should be interested in them. Right off the bat we’re introduced to Jane Foster, played by Natalie Portman, who’s out at night in the New Mexico desert to study star constellations. Or weather patterns. Or something. We’re never really told exactly what she does or why it’s important, only that whatever “it” is, it’s her passion that she’s been studying for years. But I don’t really feel any need to care about her. I never get anything from Jane beyond her, uh, astro-meteor-physics-stuff and whatever inexplicable connection she feels to Thor.

And speaking of the man himself, Thor’s probably the character I cared about the least. And he’s supposed to be the hero! But for at least a good two-thirds of this movie I was honestly never really interested in or empathetic towards anything this guy does. Mostly because I think he’s uninteresting and unlikable. I mean, he’s a typical hotheaded warrior character.

"Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women!"

He’s about to be made king but really he just likes to fight a lot. Even when getting into a fight might get his friends killed. Or start an interplanetary race war. In fact, when Thor gets banished to Earth, I kinda feel he deserves it; he really acted without thinking when attacking those Frost Giants…

Heck, even when he’s on Earth, all he can think to do is find his magic hammer so he can go home and do more fighting. It’s only when that fails that he begins to learn to lighten up and get drunk with Stellan Skarsgard.

Oddly enough, the one character I actually really liked was Loki. Which may be a bad sign whenever you identify with the villain… But really, he’s one of the few characters that actually shows common sense. He favors cunning over, you know, just fighting all the time. You can almost sympathize with him the way he was always overlooked by his father and is really a Frost Giant-freak. And don’t ask me how that works, or how no one ever noticed it until now. I don’t know; it doesn’t make sense. But out of everyone in the movie, I at least care about Loki.

He may be bad, but he's perfectly good at it.

I don’t know how much I should say about the story itself, but again it’s pretty average. Thor gets banished to Earth for being hotheaded and has to learn to be a better person before he can come back. And meanwhile his brother Loki decides to take control of Asgard while he’s away. Again, just… average.

Really what pulls the movie down is its use of movie clichés and inexplicable plot devices. Like when Odin falls into the “Odinsleep,” leaving Asgard open for Loki to take over. “Odinsleep”? Does this happen in the comics? Does Odin just pass out whenever the story needs tension? And honestly, Thor getting his god-status back through the powers of love and self-sacrifice almost made me cringe. If Natalie Portman’s tears had brought him back to life I would have called bullsh*t right there in the middle of the theatre.

Actually, there was one scene that did make me swear… when Stan Lee showed up for his obligatory cameo. Son. Of. A. Bitch.

We meet again, nemesis...

So yeah, on the whole I’d have to say that “Thor” was just… average. It may be pretty to look at, but story-wise I thought it didn’t bring anything new or exciting to the table. It was a fun popcorn movie to watch but won’t leave much of a lasting impression.

Unless of course your little brother, like mine, happens to find a large mallet in the shed and decides to run around the house shouting, “I have the power of Thor!” while smashing things. Then it’ll stick with you.

-Natron out

Continuing from Part I, Nathaniel sat down to watch “Superman II,” hoping against hope that it wouldn’t be as bad as he knew it was going to be.

Superman II: The Search for More Money

…

(After watching “Superman II”)

One of my favorite internet reviewers, The Spoony One, once said that, when it comes to movie sequels, even bad ones are guaranteed to make money:

“When a movie becomes a hit, the sequel is a slapdash, hastily-assembled clone with worse actors, more cartoonish violence, and far less money. The rationale behind this is with a sequel, you already have a built-in audience who are going to see it no matter what. The tickets are already sold. So all you need to do is to make it as cheaply as humanly possible.”

Case in point: “Superman II.”

"SUPERMAN is thrusting in the direction of the problem. OH YEAH!"

I’m definitely not saying the first “Superman” was a great movie (just check out the first half of this review), but low and behold “Superman II” makes itself a worse movie in comparison by lowering its standards in every possible way. The story is worse. The special effects are worse. The action is more cartoonish. And surprise, surprise, Clark Kent is more of a bumbling idiot and Lex Luthor is more gratingly annoying. Bravo, “Superman II.” Bravo.

But I guess in a way it’s kind of tragic, because “Superman II” was destined to fail even from the start. There’s a lot of behind-the-scenes that went wrong which most people don’t even know about. I myself only know a little.

Here’s what I do know: originally, Richard Donner, the director,

Also made "Lethal Weapon." You're welcome.

tried to film both “Superman” and “Superman II” at the same time, counting on the first movie to be such a success that a sequel was inevitable. So he did… until he went so far over budget and time that the producers pretty much told Donner to wrap up making the first movie and be done. “Superman” was released, became a big hit, and right away the studio was asking for the sequel.

But because of the budget issues, as well as creative differences, the producers fired Donner and brought in director Richard Lester to finish filming “Superman II.” Donner had roughly 75% of the movie filmed before he was replaced. The new director, Lester, added scenes that made the sequel campier, cornier, and more cartoonish than what Donner originally wanted.

In other words, Lester just made the movie suck more. Again, I don’t really know all the behind-the-scenes stuff. But it’s easy to see the end result.

The plot is pretty simple. An explosion in space causes the barriers of the extra-dimensional “Phantom Zone” to break, releasing the imprisoned evil General Zod and his minions near Earth. Discovering that Earth’s yellow sun gives them godlike power, they set out to conquer the planet.

"KNEEL BEFORE ZOD."

Meanwhile, Clark Kent accidentally reveals his identity as Superman to Lois Lane, only for them to realize that they love each other. But Superman finds himself torn between being with the woman he loves or being Earth’s protector. In the end, Superman decides he can’t abandon his duty, fights Zod, and saves the day. Not too shabby. And if one were to go by the basic outline, “Superman II” sounds like it could be a good movie.

Kevin Spacey, tellin' it like it is.

But it’s not. Good lord it’s not.

What makes “Superman II” such a bad movie isn’t any one specific thing. There’s no god-awful climactic moment where Superman reverses time. Lex Luthor is still as irritating as ever, but in this movie he’s only a side character. No, this time around, the movie suffers from all the little minor problems that pile up on top of each other. It’s insidious; you can overlook a moment when the effects look cheap or they make a joke about how the glasses barely hide Superman’s identity (oh hilarity!). On their own, each individual problem isn’t worth caring about. But they just keep adding up, over and over, throughout the whole movie.

Sooner or later, it really starts to get to you.

In almost every scene, there’s just some little something that irritates me. And they don’t. Let. Up! The nuclear blast that opens the Phantom Zone looks like it was drawn with crayon. How does a nuclear blast in space open the Phantom Zone, anyway? Why do Lois and Clark go to Niagara Falls just to cover a story on hotel scams? Why would Lois suicidally throw herself into the river even if she’s trying to trick Clark into revealing he’s Superman? Scenes with Zod in space clearly look like they were shot in a sound studio. And when Zod arrives on Earth, he and his minions display powers never seen before or since from any Kryptonian. How does Zod levitate a guy just by pointing at him? How the f*ck does Lex Luthor manage to break out of jail IN A WEATHER BALLOON? How does he find Superman’s Fortress of Solitude, and when he actually gets there, why doesn’t he really do anything? Why does Clark decide to make himself human in order to be with Lois? Aside from likely problems during sex, I’d like to think he’s capable enough of controlling himself physically around her. Why would the Fortress even have a room that turns you human?

AND WHY THE HELL DOES THIS HAPPEN?

Why do Zod and his minions waste their time attacking an obvious hicktown in the middle of Nowhere, Idaho? And why does the U.S. government show no concern over this blatant superhuman threat, sending nothing more than a handful of soldiers, a few tanks, and one helicopter to fight Zod? No wonder he’s able to just walk into the White House and take control of the country. And again, why doesn’t anyone have any kryptonite or something? The scene where Zod conquers the White House is only made worse when Lex Luthor shows up, out of nowhere, and tries to butter up to Zod. And I swear, if he uses the phrase, “greatest criminal mastermind of the modern age” one more time, I’m going to straight-up murder someone.

Kill him, Zod. KILL HIM!

The big climactic fight scene is fakey and cartoonish, with the villains using their powers to… stomp Superman into the ground like Daffy Duck. They also use their powerful super-breath to… blow toupees off bald people and make skaters trip over their own rollerskates. Aren’t these guys supposed to be battle-hardened soldiers? Why do they follow Superman to his Fortress when it’s so obviously a trap? How in the hell does Superman throw that plastic-wrap S-shield from out of nowhere?

There's a fine line between stupid and flat-out senseless.

How does he rig the Fortress to take away Zod’s powers when Zod’s outside of the room that takes away powers? Do Zod and his minions just fall to their deaths? I’m glad we never see Lex again, but what happened to him? And how in the hell does Superman erase Lois’s memories BY KISSING HER??

GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

What? How? Why?? I don’t understand. NOTHING MAKES SENSE. There’s a difference in fiction between worlds that follow different rules than our own and worlds that DON’T EVEN FOLLOW THEIR OWN RULES. Every single moment in this movie makes me question its own logic and continuity, with events happening randomly at the whim of the convoluted plot. This movie sucks.

Ugh. I thought I could go into this one and give it a fair chance, write up a proper review and say how it’s not as bad as I remember. But it is that bad. The first “Superman” movie may have had its good moments that ultimately were tarnished by the bad, but in “Superman II” every single scene is marred by minor problems that just keep adding up like ants on a plate of food. That’s what “Superman II” feels like.

I’m gonna go take a shower. And I’m definitely going to wait a very long time before I even consider talking about another Superman movie. After seeing what are considered the “good” ones, my first instinct is to take the DVD’s of the other ones out into a field and beat them with a baseball bat, “Office Space”-style.

Excessive? You should've seen what we did to our "Batman and Robin" DVD.

-Natron out

Yeah, you read that right.

Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a disappointing movie franchise!

If you’re a regular reader on this site (and I’m speaking to all four of you), then you already know that I totally love “Smallville.” Buuutttt you also know that, outside of “Smallville,” I absolutely hate any and every other Superman movie/TV show there is. All of them.

"I beg your pardon?"

Okay, okay. Except for the animated series. Dini and Timm be praised.

But with “Smallville” winding down (only three episodes left!), perhaps I’ve been feeling a little… reflective lately. Perhaps I’ve been taking a good look at myself and how I feel towards those other incarnations of Superman. It’s been a while; are they really as bad as I remember?

Whatever the reason, I thought this week I’d try something special and sit down and watch the first two “Superman” movies. Call it a “science fiction double feature,” if you will. Now “Superman III” and “Superman IV” are renowned for being infamously bad movies, but for some reason everybody seems to like the first two. So for this review, all I’m going to do is watch “Superman” and “Superman II” back-to-back and afterwards just give my opinions on each. Simple. And maybe in doing so I’ll find that my opinions have changed. Who knows? This sounds promising. Let’s get started…

Time to fire up the old movietube box machine.

…

(After watching “Superman”)

What could be worse than a movie I truly hate? How about a movie that I really want to like, but I just can’t. That’s what the first “Superman” movie is to me. I just got done watching it, and I’ll admit there is a lot of stuff I like about it. But there are also a lot of flaws I just can’t get past.

I guess I should talk about the positives first. Right from the intro the movie draws you in, with the opening credits flying off the screen as you hurtle through space. The John Williams score is uplifting, and the mood is set; I want to watch this movie.

And it starts off great. I truly love all of the backstory we get on the planet Krypton. We see Superman’s father, Jor-El (played by… Marlon Brando? Talk about star power) trying to warn everyone that the planet’s going to blow, only to have his pleas fall on deaf ears.

I... actually don't have anything cheeky to say here. Well played, Mr. Brando. Well played.

We see Jor-El and his wife, Lara, as they make the sad resolution to send their baby away rather than have him die in the coming disaster. We even get some sequel setup as we see the evil General Zod being banished to the “Phantom Zone.” All of which is made even better by incredibly well-done set design and special effects. They went through a lot of effort to make Krypton seem like a real place, alien and coldly crystalline. The scenes on Krypton are really well done.

And from there the story pretty much follows the basic Superman mythos: Krypton blows up and baby Kal-El is sent hurtling through space… only to land in Kansas, be raised by the Kents, and grow up to live in Metropolis and become Superman. It’s the classic Superman backstory, but its nice to see it played out on-screen.

There are a few annoying moments, though. Like when the Kents first find the alien toddler in a crater in the field. There’s no freakout, no reaction, no “Holy crap, that baby just fell out of the sky!!!” They just roll with it. Weird…

"Damn kids. Fall out of the sky on MY lawn, will they? Not while I'm around."

Comparisons to “Smallville” are inevitable in this part, but the movie does a pretty good job. You see Clark showing off with his powers and questioning what he’s supposed to do with his life. And the creation of the Fortress of Solitude is very cool effect. But again this leads to another weird moment when, during Clark’s training in the Fortress, the A.I. recording of Jor-El warns Clark that he is “forbidden to interfere with human history.” What? Why? And how can he not, when he’s training to become SUPERMAN. That doesn’t make sense to me. But it doesn’t take me out of the mood. I’m still enjoying the movie so far.

The point where I start having problems is when we first get to Metropolis. As the movie came out in 1978, it tends to follow the “classic” portrayals of its characters. Which means the movie has Clark Kent acting as the prototypical bumbling “mild-mannered” reporter. But to me that’s always been really annoying. I get it: it’s his disguise, that’s what he’s trying to do. I just don’t agree with it. To me, being such a spineless mild-mannered wimp only draws more attention to yourself, plus makes for a pretty lousy double-identity. He’s just trying too hard to act as weak as possible.

"Who, me?"

Now, the romance with Lois is nice (mostly. “I like pink very much” made me gag a little), the hero montage is nice, but just seeing Clark act like a wimp gets irritating. Personally, I like how Clark Kent has been portrayed in recent years, as more of a regular person. He can be quiet but also assertive and energetic, just like any unassuming regular guy. Clark Kent can be “human” without being annoying.

But whatever. I can live with the bumbling Clark Kent. What I can’t stand is the one-dimensional cardboard cutout that is Lex Luthor.

"O RLY?"

This is what draws the movie down for me.This guy makes no sense. He’s obviously filthy rich but for some reason wants to commit crimes to make money. He hires the most gratingly inept henchmen. And he has no personality other than gloating over how evil he is, constantly calling himself the “greatest criminal mastermind of the modern age” like he’s Snidley F*cking Whiplash or something. He even monologues. Constantly. Who does that? Why? I DON’T UNDERSTAND… And Gene Hackman’s acting doesn’t help, playing his character purely for laughs and cartoonish cheese. I can’t stand this guy.

I can't wait til Warner Bros. drops your ass and replaces you with Kevin Spacey.

Which, I suppose, brings us to the part I hate the most: the big dumb ending. Lex wants to blow up land to gain property value (what?). He subdues Superman with kryptonite but doesn’t kill him (dumbass). Superman escapes (duh) and saves the day… except Lois dies (unexpected!). And then… Then…

Then Superman flies off in a fit of rage and SPINS THE EARTH BACKWARDS TO REVERSE TIME.

FAIL!!! FAIL!!! A thousand times FAIL!!!!!

WHAT. THE. F@$&?!?!?

Gaahhh! It’s so stupid! It makes no sense! This one act brings the movie from “tolerable” to “crap.” How did they get away with this? I can’t stand it! This SHOULD NOT HAPPEN.

Arghhhhhh…

Well, I guess that’s all I have to say about that. “Superman” is a movie that started out with so much promise only to be brought down by a cartoonish, ineffectual villain and the worst plot resolution this side of “it was all a dream.” Will the sequel be any better? Probably not. Let’s watch it.

…

(to be continued)

-Natron out

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nathaniel Rose is a professional survivor expert, trained to handle real(ish) survival situations. Professional advice should always be sought before entering any dangerous environment.

Okay, so as of right now I’m currently stuck in the worst part of the semester: that final month when teachers decide they’re going to dump all sorts of crap on you because, hey, who wouldn’t love to write a 10-page essay on the progression of the human perspective from a natural to a more artificial worldview, making sure to carefully select and document multiple sources. M’riiiiight?

Urge to kill... rising...

I’m sure I’m gonna snap. It’s just a matter of time.

It doesn’t help that there’s nothing really going on right now. I don’t even have “Smallville” to distract me from work; new episodes don’t start for another few weeks. Crap. However, I did think of something that may help me fill the void. I may not have “Smallville” to watch, but I can always talk about superhero stuff. And after many months, I think it’s high time for another:

Nathaniel Rose’s SURVIVAL GUIDE to Totally Real Situation!!!

I brought all of you up to speed on zombie survival last time, but now we’re going to take things in a different direction. As you all know, being a stereotypical nerd, I love superheroes. Well, most of the time, anyway… Some time in the future I’ll probably rant on how I feel about “Spider-Man 3” or the Fantastic Four. It won’t be pretty.

Smirk while you can, Emo Peter. Smirk while you can...

But while I’m stuck in this funk right now I always end up thinking how much easier life would be if I were a superhero. Oh sure, you’d have to save people and rescue cats every once in a while. But I bet a lot of the time it’d be pretty awesome. You could fly! Or move faster than people could see you. Or be really strong. I even once had an interesting conversation with Matt about how he’d burn the world to the ground if he could (and it was creep-y). Anyways, this week let’s look at how to survive superpowers!

Force lightning!! What? Force lightning is totally a superpower.

The Situation:

For some unknown reason, you and your buddies are keeping it real at the science lab, doing research, conducting experiments, and, um… I don’t know, science stuff (insert technobabble here). While you’re pushing buttons and mixing chemicals, something goes wrong and your lab experiment explodes, bathing you in hazardous chemicals and radiation.

Because science works this way.

Miraculously, you come out okay and it seems like nothing bad happened to you. But later that day, you begin to feel strange and queasy. You know exactly what’s happened!

No, no, it’s not cancer… Thank God. Lucked out on that one… No, you’ve gotten superpowers! At that exact moment, WHAT DO YOU DO???

Parameters:

- What your superpower is isn’t really important. You could be able to stop bullets, create fire, or fly, but it doesn’t really matter. These are general survival tips that work for any superpower.

- Your superpower is PERMANENT. You don’t need to keep taking super-serum or refill your web-launcher to keep it working. You may exhaust yourself, but your power is always there.

- You can’t choose your power. Lab accidents are, well, accidents. Let’s just say that it isn’t totally lame and it won’t kill you.

I said a power that ISN'T totally lame.

The Solution:

First thing’s first: LEARN SOME CONTROL. It doesn’t do you any good if you have a superpower but can’t use it right. If you can walk through walls, make sure you don’t fall through the floor with every step. If you have heat vision, learn how to dim it so you don’t accidentally burn your best friend’s face off. Practice a little.

"Holy crap! I, um... I can fix this..."

Take some classes (community colleges offer stuff like that, right?). Spend some time getting used to your new abilities so you know how to use them. Don’t do yoga (tai chi is acceptable).

And while you’re busy mastering your newfound “skillz,” DON’T SHOW OFF!! Oh sure, you might want to, but really, don’t go around bragging to everyone you see that you’re superhuman. Why? Because other people suck. Little old ladies will be hounding you to get their cats out of trees. Nerdy guys will want your autographs and ask if they can be your “sidekick.” Blah, blah blah. And the government? Trust me; just don’t even go there. You’ll either wind up on an operating table or coerced into being a secret weapon for the military.

Even the nice government agents are jerks... because THEY'RE STILL GOVERNMENT AGENTS.

For now, the best thing to do is lay low. From everyone. Don’t even tell your BFFs if you can help it. It’ll end up all over the Twitterbooks and the Faceypages.

But don’t worry, now comes the fun stuff. After you’ve learned to control your powers, exploit them for all they’re worth. Totally serious here. If no one else knows you have superpowers, use them to get away with WHATEVER YOU WANT. Steal some stuff. Get revenge on that jackass that messed with you in the past. They won’t see it coming. So go ahead! Now, some of you are probably asking yourselves, “Is this ethical?” And to that I’d have to argue: who cares? You’ve unstoppable! You have the power, so go on, indulge a little.

Or this could happen...

Eventually, though, you just might get bored with robbing people blind. Eventually. When that happens, it’s time to go big. Create a super-identity that you can use whenever you want to use your powers in public. Pick a name. Make a costume. As long as they don’t totally suck, go nuts.

No, just... Damn it, no. Just stop, Brandon Routh. Just stop.

However, make sure that your new identity can in NO WAY be connected to who you really are. That way, you can use your powers and still lead a normal life when you want to. Dual identities can be fun!

Hopefully at this point you’re well on your way to surviving a life with superpowers. Maybe you’ll be some big superhero, rescuing people and never having to pay your taxes. Or maybe you’ll want to be a supervillian. I mean, screw helping people. Being a jerk is way more fun. You’ll be feared and hated, but I say it’s worth it.

Being evil sometimes just puts a smile on your face.

Either way, now you know what it takes to survive.

So there you have it. Spontaneously getting superpowers may not be for everyone, but who knows? It could be YOU. And if it is, now you’re prepared. As with last time, feel free to post responses or any additional tips I’ve overlooked. Until then, I’ll see you when we discuss our next totally real situation.

- Natron out

Ughhhhh…

Sorry, I just really don’t feel like talking about anything. I think “Transformers” took a lot out of me. Maybe I’ll just do something short and simple this week.

Hmm… I have been watching a lot of “Smallville” lately. Maybe I can just pop in an episode and run with that. Let’s see… I’m somewhere in season 6 right now…

Okay, here’s something: “Smallville” season 6 episode 14: “Trespass.” I haven’t gotten to this one yet. Let me just press play here…

We're about to get taken to a dreamworld of magic!

…

(45 minutes later)

…

Wow. That was incredibly stupid. I mean, I know I’ve said before that I love this show, but this episode was Exhibit A about how pants-numbingly dumb “Smallville” can be sometimes. Gah. My brain hurts.

And you know what? It all has to do with one simple trend I’ve been noticing as the show progresses: Lana Lang is a f*cking idiot.

In “Smallville” (and the comics themselves), Lana Lang is the hometown love interest for Clark Kent as he’s growing up. And for the first few seasons most of Lana’s job was, in a nutshell, to be the love interest.

However, after a few years of the on-again/off-again teen drama with Clark still not telling her about his superpowers, I guess the writers decided they needed to shake things up. So season 5 had Clark and Lana flat-out break up “for good” so that Lana, in her grief, would feel so hurt by Clark that she would be driven into a relationship with Clark’s other friend-turned-foe: Lex Luthor.

And in doing so, this completely destroyed her character. Lana goes from being the caring love interest that can’t figure out why Clark is never around when supernatural stuff happens and becomes this paranoid, angry bitch.

I'm mad at something! ... Just don't ask me why.

She alienates her friends, moves into the Luthor mansion, gets pregnant, and agrees to marry Lex (well-known for being manipulative and deceitful) all seemingly because she’s bitter that Clark “keeps secrets” from her. Lana Lang makes no sense.

Which (finally) brings us to “Trespass.” Last episode ended with Clark crashing Lex and Lana’s rehearsal dinner (he was high on kryptonite). In the aftermath, Lana found a chisel that she thinks Lex tried to stab Clark with, but somehow got all bent up. No, 6 seasons and she still hasn’t figured out that Clark is superhuman. So this episode begins with Lana in her room, holding the chisel and wondering how it got bent.

Whatever could it MEAN?

Only instead of looking like she’s deep in thought, she’s looking like a crazy person. I don’t really want to blame Kristin Kreuk’s acting, but Lana’s just there holding this thing for like 5 minutes, her eyes darting all over it and her mouth kind of twitching. I guess you can only act with the script you’re given, but Lana does not look sane here.

She then gets a text message from a number she doesn’t know with a picture of her sitting where she is now. Ahh, stalker! She freaks, and Lex and his security rush in but can’t find anyone. Lex asks Lana if she actually saw anything, and instead of showing him the fricking text message she says she “could just feel a presence in the room.” What?! We find out later in the episode that she didn’t want Lex to see the bent chisel in the picture, but this is 2007 and her phone can’t be newer than 2004. The picture is so crappy that she could be holding anything in her hand. Just tell him it’s your vanity mirror. Guys will believe that.

"Seven days..."

But no, she’s a dumbass. And she’s not the only one. Even though his girlfriend’s scared, Lex leaves on a business trip, meaning he either a) thinks she’s crazy or b) doesn’t care if she’s really being stalked. His security will protect her… as she decides to go hide out in her old apartment above the coffee shop. Gah.

We get some dialogue here between Lana and her friend Chloe (whom Lana has also distanced herself from lately), but ultimately the stalker finds her there and Lana does her best job of being scared while awkwardly trying to hold a knife.

Oh yeah, and Clark’s in this episode somewhere, too. I think. I guess he’s out trying to track down who this mysterious stalker could be. But it doesn’t matter because the big reveal is stupid anyway.

Anyway, even though security wants to take her somewhere, you know, secure, Lana decides to go to “the last place anyone would look for her” and goes to hide at… the Kent family farm. Really? Really?? Not only is this stupid and a terrible place to defend, but when she gets there Mrs. Kent says Lana can stay in Clark’s room, knowing full well how much of a paraoid bitch about Clark Lana’s become.

I’d say there’s some charm when all Lana finds when going through Clark’s stuff is a picture of her and the necklace she gave him, but skip it. The stalker finds her, actually kills a guy, and in fear Lana tries to run and falls down some stairs. The rest of security shows up and Lana goes to the hospital. Yippee.

Horray! She's horribly mangled!

And of course things only get dumber from here. In the hospital, Lex’s security decides to relocate Lana to the dark, scary, abandoned wing of the hospital with junk piled everywhere. Why? Security, of course! This is so stupid it hurts… So some guy with a camera shows up for no reason and chases Lana through the abandoned wing, Clark shows up and rescues her, and Lex’s security shows up and kills the camera guy off-screen. Well that was swift. Apparently he pulled out a gun or something. And Clark, instead of x-raying the body to see if he did have a gun or taking two seconds to actually think about how nothing makes sense, decides the mystery’s been solved and lets Lex’s security take Lana back to the mansion.

Even though we the audience know that can’t be the end (cuz there’s still 10 minutes left), I don’t care anymore. All these people are morons. They go back to the mansion, Lex’s security guy reveals he’s the stalker and that he “didn’t want to see Lana become corrupted by Lex” or something. I don’t know, it’s all bullshit. There’s a chase up to the roof, they fall, Clark saves Lana, and blah blah wrap-up.

You know, Clark, you could've dropped the ball just this once.

This whole episode is pointless crap because the whole stalker thing makes no sense and by this point in the show I’ve stopped caring about Lana Lang. Everything she does out of being “hurt over Clark” and in her relationship with Lex just comes off as being childish and nonsensical. And this episode is just a prime example of that. There’s no logic, no overall point to it, and in the end I don’t care about it.

I actually feel I need to apologize for wasting your time. But I do thank you for letting me rant about how Lana Lang pisses me off. I can’t wait for the episode where she gets caught in an explosion, even though I know it’s not really her. I’ll take what I can get.

Sweet, sweet justice.

- Natron out

Well this is nice. We’ve made it into another year. Happy 2011, everybody! I always get so excited about the start of a new year. It holds so much promise. Who knows what I might achieve?

"If you believe in yourself, and with a tiiiiny bit of magic, all your dreams will come true!"

Why, this might be the year I graduate from college, set out into the real world and find my chosen career. I mean, probably. I’m not really sure how I might find a decent job… Well, whatever. Maybe I’ll get a lot of writing done that I intend to. Or maybe this is the year that I find that special someone who I’ll spend the rest of my life with. I’m one of those people who likes to believe in destiny and all.

Of course, it’s never exactly worked out for me so far. Even though I tell myself every year something good will happen. In fact, the more I think about it, I can’t really remember any of my New Year’s expectations coming through.

I’m really depressed now…

Ugh. I could use a pick-me-up. Is there anything to look forward to in this new year?

Wait… What’s this..?

Gentlemen, BEHOLD!

Get out. DC is coming out with a “Batman Beyond” comic? Starting this Wednesday? This. Is. Awesome.

Insert Sparta joke here.

For those of you that don’t know what’s going on, I probably should explain. Back in the early ‘90’s, writer Paul Dini and artist Bruce Timm (bow to their greatness!) worked to create a little cartoon called “Batman: The Animated Series.” And it kicked ass. It was everything that made Batman awesome. It was dark. It was complex. It was artistic. It was fun. It drew inspiration from the recent Tim Burton movies and the Batman comics as a whole, and was a step above anything else at the time. Even now it’s still great to go back and watch.

Anyway, “Batman: The Animated Series” kicked so much ass that eventually Dini, Timm, and friends expanded their cartoon universe to include “Superman: The Animated Series,” “The New Batman Adventures,” “Justice League,” and “Justice League Unlimited.” All of which were great, filled with style and a serious grasp of the source material. Art, voice acting, storytelling… all were consistently top-notch.

Look! There's Superman! And Batman! And, uhh... those other guys...

But perhaps my favorite of the bunch came after “The New Batman Adventures,” when Dini and Timm were looking for a new direction, something to do with the DC Animated Universe that had never been done before. This new direction was “Batman Beyond.”

Started in 1999, “Batman Beyond” did something virtually unique in the world of comic book-storytelling: it was a cartoon about the future of the DC universe. Think about that. With characters like Batman and Superman that have existed as they are and unchanged since the 1930’s, “Batman Beyond” was a show that actually looked at the future, the progression of time. How radical is that?

In the TV series, “Batman Beyond” takes place 40 years after the present day. Bruce Wayne, the original Batman, has long since hung up the cape and cowl and aged into a reclusive old man.

"I like soup." "Shut up, grandpa."

The Gotham City of the future has grown even bigger into an urban techno-sprawl. And crime and gang warfare are just as prominent as ever.

Enter Terry McGinnis, a troubled teenager with a history of being caught up in street gangs and crime. One day when forced to run from gang members (“Jokerz.” In the future the Joker has achieved cult status) who try to attack him and his girlfriend, Terry ends up at the gates of Wayne Manor. With Bruce’s help they manage to fend off the gangsters, but, being an old man, the stress takes its toll on Bruce’s heart. Terry takes the old man back inside the mansion to recuperate… and stumbles upon the Batcave.

Bruce angrily kicks him out, but when Terry returns home and finds his father murdered he decides to “borrow” the most recent (and technologically supped-up) Batsuit and seek justice. Naturally, Bruce is at first opposed, but eventually decides to take Terry under his wing and mentor him into becoming Gotham’s new Dark Knight defender.

FINALLY designed a Batsuit that can fly.

The series pushed further into being darker and edgier than the original “Batman: The Animated Series”, a lot of it having to do with the idea of a dark and slightly dystopian future. It actually tackled a lot of deep issues for a cartoon, such as the trappings of technology, racism, revenge, loyalty, and free will. It was new, strange, and pretty darn good.

One of the show’s biggest highlights actually came in the form of a direct-to-video called “Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker,” which centered around the original Joker resurrecting himself in the future using stolen genetic technology.

Dear Mark Hamill: THANK YOU.

Which was cool enough… but the most mind-blowing moment came in a flashback that showed how the original Joker died in one final confrontation with Batman. I don’t want to give anything away (go find this movie for yourself. Seriously), but this thing was dark. It had to be edited to be appropriate for kids, and then afterwards an unedited Director’s Cut was released. That should give you some idea of how crazy this thing was.

But I loved all of it. The edgier style, the futuristic setting, especially the idea of Batman passing the torch on to a successor… someone who wasn’t a sidekick and brought a different personality to being Batman separate from Bruce’s dark and brooding one. It was a great show to watch simply because of how much depth it brought to the DC Animated Universe. “Batman Beyond” was a cartoon unlike anything that had come before.

And, thanks largely to a devoted fanbase, “Batman Beyond” is an idea that has continued to live on. Not much has been done over the years, mostly just quick cameos in other comics, until last year. In 2010, DC ran a 6-issue “Batman Beyond” miniseries about the further adventures of the Tomorrow Knight as a way to introduce the character into the mainstream comics’ continuity proper.

Even in the future, Tommy Elliot STILL teaches you to never have childhood friends. Ever.

Fan reaction was overwhelmingly positive… which brings us right back up to now. Because of the miniseries’ success, DC has decided to make “Batman Beyond” an ongoing mainstream comic series, starting with issue #1 this Wednesday. Check it out. I know I will. And if you get the chance, check out the “Batman Beyond” cartoon, which you can probably find on DVD.

Well look at that. Maybe this year won’t suck after all. Maybe.

- Natron out

Seasons’ greetings, boys and girls! I just thought I’d take a quick moment to wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, whatever. Here’s hoping you’re having an enjoyable time however you celebrate it.

Edit: Absolutely NO human sacrifice.

Since I’m still pretty hopped up on sugar cookies and egg nog from yesterday, I figured I’d just stop by to share with you what I consider to be my favorite Christmas movie ever. And, if you’re a nerd like me, I’m pretty sure it’s one of yours, too.

No, it’s not “A Christmas Carol,” any one of the lord-knows-how-many versions there are out there (though the Muppet version is always good). It’s not “Rudolph” or “The Grinch” or any of those old cartoons they show every year. It’s not even professional badass John McClane in the action-packed Christmas movie “Die Hard.”

"Merry Christmas to all! Oh, and uh... yippie kay yay and stuff."

They’re all great Christmas movies, but they’re no substitute for some good old superhero holiday action. And there’s only one Christmas movie that has just the superhero I want…

Taking place around Christmas counts as a Christmas movie.

That’s right. I hereby dub “Batman Returns” to be the greatest Christmas movie ever… because I am a comic book fanboy that loves Batman. That’s all. “Batman Returns” is awesome because I say so.

Although, if you do get a chance to sit down and watch it this holiday season, I do think you’ll find that it is a pretty good movie. Up until Chris Nolan rebooted the film franchise with “Batman Begins” I always considered “Batman Returns” to be my favorite in the series. Mostly because the Joel Schumacher movies (“Batman Forever” and “Batman and Robin”) were a downward spiral, but also because I think “Batman Returns” really did improve on the original.

In the sequel, Batman’s more of an established character, and I like how the movie explores the dual neuroses of Batman and Catwoman. They’ve each got some serious issues which, of course, means they find the other strangely attractive.

... in the Tim Burton tradition where "strangely attractive" means "dark and crazy."

Aside from the crazy romance, the action’s good, the acting’s good, and Danny DeVito was meant to play the Penguin. I mean, seriously.

Plus there’s just something about Tim Burton’s Gothic style that somehow I really like mixed with Christmas. It’s not one of the stereotypical, bright-colored Christmases with those obnoxiously cheery songs that stores and TV stations cram down our throats for months beforehand. This is Christmas in Gotham. Its darker tone is oddly refreshing.

And if all of that doesn’t convince you, I have only two words to say: Christopher. Walken.

"That's right, I'm... wearin' a turban. Insult me again... I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron."

I rest my case. “Batman Returns” is a holiday movie apart from the rest, but it has everything in it that you could ask for: Christmas, romance, superheroes, and Christopher Walken. Feel free to check it out when you’re binging on Christmas cookies.

-Natron out

Due to my… enthusiasm last month to make everything scary and Halloween-related, I’ll admit I may have neglected to talk about some other important issues which, as a nerd, I am obligated by law to rant about whether anyone wants me to or not. A few of these were actually some pretty big movie announcements dealing with three of my favorite nerdy things: Transformers, Lord of the Rings, and Batman.

With Transformers, we finally got an official title: Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Since I plan on talking a LOT about Transformers in all their incarnations in the near future, all I’ll say for now is that I think the title sounds kind of silly and that I was really gunning for Transformers: Shit Blows Up. I think that one says it all.

Bay-SPLOSIONS!

In Lord of the Rings news, the heavens themselves opened and we fans finally, FINALLY got confirmation that The Hobbit is actually going to be filmed. This made me so happy I ended up with a fever, but again I plan on talking more about this one at a later date. I’ll just say that I am already so full of anticipation that I am dusting the cobwebs off of my shelf in the space next to my Lord of the Rings extended edition DVD box set.

Which brings us to Batman news. Though we’ve known for a while that Christopher Nolan has been planning on a third Batman movie, we really haven’t heard anything beyond that… until last month, when we not only got a title (The Dark Knight Rises), but also got some important information about who the villain ISN’T. According to interviews, Nolan has said that the new bad guy “won’t be the Riddler.”

This actually makes me kinda sad since, out of all the possibles, the Riddler was the one villain I was expecting the most. It would have been great: while the Joker spent most of The Dark Knight messing with the city at large, blowing stuff up indiscriminately, I could see the Riddler coming in and playing head games with Batman alone. Trying to prove how smart he is. Figuring out his secret identity and putting pressure on both halves of Batman/Bruce Wayne, all while with Batman being hunted down by GPD. I so wanted to see a Riddler that’s cool and calculating instead of giggling. And I would have loved to see him played by David Tennant.

Guess "Who"?

But with Nolan’s announcement, many fans are trying to guess just who the next big baddie will be. Including myself. So much so that I’ve made a list, ranging from the fairly likely to the downright impossible. Who knows? It might even be someone original. Quick, to the rumor mills!

There are a lot of small-timers in the background, but as far as I can see, here’s some prominent bad guys that might be coming to a theatre near you sometime soon…

- Natron out

The Probable:

"I MUST BREAK YOU." Seriously, just add the accent.

- Bane (Antonio Diego)- The man who broke Batman? Possible. Knightfall was an important Batman story arc, and it would be a sensible course for the movies to introduce a new challenge to Batman: the one man who crippled him. Though having Batman in a body cast most of the movie would be rather inconvenient… Maybe it could be all about Gotham realizing how much they need Batman when he’s not there, and the criminals rising up again while Batman’s bedridden. Could be, maybe.

- Black Mask (Roman Sionis)- A decent possibility, I guess. One of Gotham’s biggest crime lords, he’s never been in a movie before. I could almost see him being some kind of a cultist, a uniting force for criminals and the crazies, turning the whole city against Batman (cops hunting him, criminals defying him). However, we’ve already seen the mob underworld in the forms of Carmine Falcone and Sal Maroni. And look what happened to them.

- Catwoman (Selina Kyle)- A likely choice. Catwoman would be a romantic interest that helps Batman get over Rachael, and force him to question his own line between morality and flaunting his power. The thing is, she probably wouldn’t be his antagonist. They would have a love/hate, on-again/off-again romance, which would be complicating but not dangerous. She’d be a bad girl, but not the villain. There would have to be someone else to actually hate Batman.

- Hugo Strange- Kind of possible. While I can see him messing with Batman psychologically, I think the Riddler could do it better. He’d have to have something that makes him stand out as a unique villain.

Tommy Elliot teaches you to never have childhood friends. Ever.

- Hush (Thomas Elliot)- Very possible. Maybe even my next pick after the Riddler. Like the Riddler, Hush could play some serious head games… but with him focusing more on the Bruce Wayne half of Batman. Bruce’s childhood friend who grew to resent him, Hush could wreck Batman from the inside out. Pretty much like in the Hush graphic novel.

- Killer Croc (Waylon Jones)- Maybe. The “Croc” side of him would have to be toned down for believability, but it could work. I could see Killer Croc rising up as an urban legend in the underworld, kind of like Batman. He could prey upon cops and innocents, who would inadvertently blame fellow monster Batman by mistake. Kind of a stretch to make it work realistically, but maybe. Just maybe.

- Talia al Ghul- Perhaps. Talia would be a way to bring the movie full-circle to Ra’s presence in Batman Begins, and be more believable than bringing Ra’s back from the dead (again… kind of). Plus, she could also be Batman’s love interest, torn between avenging her father and kissing Christian Bale. Bruce could also be similarly torn, struggling with whether to uphold his code or join with Talia. It could work, I guess.

- Two-Face (Harvey Dent)- Perhaps..? I could see the next movie having him going on a vendetta against mobsters, killing like Holiday in The Long Halloween. But between him and the Joker, that pretty much already happened. Plus I think he’s dead. But who knows? They could do something. I believe in Harvey Dent.

The Probably Not:

- Firefly (Garfield Lynns)- Unlikely. Not because Firefly wouldn’t be an innovative new character that has never been in a movie before, but because, among the other crazy things he did, the Joker burned and blew up a lot of stuff in The Dark Knight. There’d have to be some new angle to it, which I doubt would happen.

Love is blind. And a little ditzy.

- Harley Quinn (Harleen Quinzel)- Hopefully not. While she is one of the best new characters to come around ever since starting out in the ‘90’s animated series, you can’t really have Harley without her Mr. J.

- Holiday (Alberto Falcone)- Doubtful. While it’d be interesting to bring the whole thing back around to the Falcone family, the Joker pretty much filled Holiday’s serial-killer role in The Dark Knight. Holiday would just be more of the same.

- The Joker- I doubt it. Even though he’s alive at the end of The Dark Knight, I’m pretty sure they’ll let him be. It’d just feel too much like a continuation of The Dark Knight. I would also think they’ll leave him alone with respect to Heath Ledger’s amazing performance.

- Ra’s al Ghul- Unlikely, but maybe. If he does come back, I don’t know what more they’d do with him. And he may be dead, but they twisted with that once already. You never can tell with immortals…

-Scarecrow (Jonathan Crane)- Doubtful. Like the Joker, he’s most likely locked up in Arkham Asylum. And while he was almost non-existant in The Dark Knight, he had a great run in Batman Begins (let it be known that the Scarecrow is my favorite Batman villain). They’d probably go for someone new rather than reusing the Scarecrow.

Demonic force or disturbed mental patient? You be the judge.

- Simon Hurt- This one is tricky. Although I’ve really gotten to like the character, I think he’s still a little too new to everyone right now. I did love Grant Morrison’s Batman R.I.P. storyline, though. Having Simon Hurt be as manipulative and subtly nefarious as he was made for a pretty interesting bad guy.

The Rejects (no chance):

-Clayface (Basil Karlo)- Pretty much no. A guy made of living clay has no place in the newer, more realistic Batman movies. Sorry, fans of Clayface.

- Mad Hatter (Jarvis Tetch)- Unlikely. A delusional tech wizard is cool and all, but with the Mad Hatter as a villain I could just see The Dark Knight Rises turning into “Batman meets Alice in Wonderland”.

- Man-Bat (Kirk Langstrom)- No way. A mad scientist and his mutating abilities are nowhere near realistic.

"Here is Sub-Zero! Now, Plain Zero!"

- Mr. Freeze (Victor Fries)- Another unlikely. Though I’ll admit he makes more sense than Clayface or Poison Ivy, having a guy supercool in a chemical bath and blast things with a “freezing gun” is still a little too unbelievable. Though they could make it work, they probably shouldn’t.

- Penguin (Oswald Cobblepot)- Nope. Even if he’s kind of believable, they said they wouldn’t bother with him. Which is fine by me. I never thought the Penguin was that interesting of a character.

-Poison Ivy (Pamela Isley)- Highly unlikely. Probably an outright “no.” With Chris Nolan’s more realistic Batman movies, Poison Ivy is pretty darn un-realistic. They would have to practically reinvent the character if they wanted her in.

Now that fall’s back in full swing, one of the big things we look forward to help get us through our boring day-to-day routine is the return of primetime television. Admit it, after trudging your way through a long day at school and/or work, there are plenty of times you want to do nothing more than sit on your ass and watch the tube.

They see me sittin', they hatin'...

Myself included. However, the number of shows I’ll be devotedly tuning in for has taken a big hit since last year. “24” counted down for the last time. “Heroes” wrapped up its loose ends (as well as they could, anyway). Saddest of all, “Scrubs” had its final finale. Again. Finally.

Yeah, I know the season 9 thing bombed, but I gave it a shot. I mean, come on, it’s “Scrubs”! I’ll always love that show.

So with the new TV season upon us, there’s only a handful of shows I’m going to be making an effort for this year. “How I Met Your Mother” is always quality… even though they dangle the identity of the mother like a carrot they’ll never let us catch. “The Office” is back for one more year with Steve Carell. And then there’s one more show that I’ll be watching with rapt attention. A show I can’t NOT watch. A show that, as bad as it can get sometimes, still manages to bring me back every season and enjoy it. Quite possibly my favorite TV show ever:

“SMALLVILLE.”

"Somebody SAAAAAAAAVE me..."

That’s right, I am a “Smallville” fan. Surprised? As a guy who calls himself a nerd, you’d think something like “Smallville” would seem a little too watered-down and mainstreamed. This isn’t a show about Superman! This is “One Tree Hill” with superpowers.

…Or “Dawson’s Creek” with superpowers. Or “Gossip Girl” with superpowers. Or “90210” with sup- Anyway, you get the point. How can anyone who likes comic book superheroes watch such a teen-drama version of Superman?

Lllllladies.

Only, here’s the thing: if it weren’t for “Smallville,” I don’t think I’d like Superman at all.

Seriously. Say what you will about the actual comics (which can range in quality from good to WTF), but I have consistently HATED every other portrayal of Superman I’ve ever seen. “Lois and Clark,” “Superboy,” every single godawful live-action movie… all of them SUCKED. Especially the movies. Look up the Nostalgia Critic’s “Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments” sometime to see just why I hate them so much. Flying backwards to reverse time? FAIL!

FULL OF FAIL!

I’ll admit “Superman: the Animated Series” was good, but that’s because Paul Dini and Bruce Timm are AWESOME. Aside from that one bright spot, I’ve never liked Superman.

So then what makes “Smallville” so great? I’d definitely never consider it award-wining, but I honestly hold it to be my favorite show EVER. What makes its Superman better than all the rest? What does it do right that everyone else has gotten wrong?

For me, I think “Smallville” succeeds against all others because it does two things very well. And the first and biggest of which is that it makes Superman relatable. How? Because in the show he’s never seen as Superman. “Smallville” is all about portraying the life of Clark Kent BEFORE he becomes Superman; instead of being an all-powerful superhuman symbol of hope, Clark Kent is just an ordinary teenage guy trying to get through school, family, and the social world. He has doubts. He has angst. He has unrequited love, teenage rebellion, and petty insecurities.

And all of these are GOOD. As the show has moved through its later seasons, we’ve been seeing more and more of Clark Kent picking up the mantle of responsibility, moving towards who he’s destined to be. But it wouldn’t be nearly as compelling if we didn’t show his vulnerabilities first. It makes Clark Kent more human. It makes him more relatable to your average person. Heck, as a viewer who watched “Smallville” while growing up as a teenager, it certainly made him more relatable to me. “Smallville” succeeds by making Clark Kent an actual, identifiable person.

No, not you, Brandon Routh. You're just boring.

The other area that “Smallville” does well is in how it actually portrays the raw power of Superman. And, for me, this is the one I think no other Superman incarnation has gotten right. Everyone likes to portray Superman as this bland, expressionless automation that never really emotes. Sure, he might crack a smile or toss out some forgettable one-liner, but I want more. Superman is a BADASS. He’s supposed to shout, get angry, and kick some serious shit. And when you’re a being as powerful as Superman, that’s lot of serious shit. This means seeing a lot of blood, explosions, and Matrix-like effects where Clark Kent breaks stuff in slow motion.

Fact: walking away from an explosion without looking makes you BADASS.

NOBODY else delivers on this. I think the only time in the movies where Superman got into an actual fistfight was in “Superman II” against General Zod, but even that came off as being more cartoony than epic. “Superman Returns” had that one cool moment when a bullet bounces off his freaking eye, but that was it. Even when the city’s starting to fall apart, it all just comes across as another chore Superman has to check off of his to-do list. But in “Smallville,” you really get a sense of the power and the rage that Superman is meant to have.

Make no mistake, though, “Smallville” is not without its faults. Plotlines can be thin or nonsensical at times. Dialogue can be forced (pretty much always to give exposition). Cliffhanger plot twists are almost always pointless (the Lana that died in the explosion was a clone? WHAT??). And there’s always that feeling of teen drama, especially in the earlier seasons. But when it’s good, it’s really good. For all the times it screws up, “Smallville” will always be my Superman of choice because of how well it “gets” what Superman really is. He’s not about the costume, the secret identity, or the little coif in the hair (why does everyone make an effort to style his hair like that?).

Does the hair give you superpowers?

“Smallville” succeeds because it looks at Clark Kent the man, not Superman.

…That and it has Alison Mack. There, I said it. We’re done here.

- Natron out