Because our lives are more interesting than yours.

Heyyyyy, guys.

Okay, first off, before you say anything, I think I should just come right out and say that I’m sorry. I know, I know. No, really. I know. And I apologize. I’m sorry. Seriously, I am. Really. And I’m sorry.

It’s one thing not to post during finals week and when you’re all caught up in graduating. It’s something completely different to vanish for almost four months and not post anything aside from a short little Halloween bit. I kinda dropped the ball on that one…

Again, I apologize.

Can you ever forgive me?

It’s been a weird time for me lately. I’ve been running around trying to find a new job, work on writing and personal projects, make time for friends, and yet somehow still end up feeling like I’ve botched it all up. Bleh.

I guess Christmas did help me feel a bit better… Christmas always helps. And, hey, we just made it into another year, too. Happy 2012, everybody! Somehow, I can’t help but get excited about the start of a new year. It feels like it holds so much promise. Who knows what I might achieve? I did just start a new job. That might be good. Well, it isn’t yet… But it could change. Maybe. Ooh, maybe I’ll get a lot of writing done that I intend to. Or maybe this is the year that I find that special someone who I’ll spend the rest of my life with. It could happen, right?

Hmm… This all feels vaguely familiar…

Oh. Yeah. These are the same high hopes I remember having last New Year’s. And look how well that turned out, right? In fact, the more I think about it, I can’t really remember any of my New Year’s expectations coming through… New Year’s sucks.

I’m really depressed now…

Ugh. I could use a pick-me-up. Is there anything to look forward to in this new year?

Wait… What’s this..?

Also known as "DOOP."

“The Death of…” Awwwwwww, come on! What the heck is this? “The Death of Optimus Prime”? You’ve got to be kidding me. Really, IDW Comics? Really? I pick up a new Transformers comic and you pull this on me? Come on! Have you no decency?

Why does Optimus Prime always die???

Died... FOR YOUR SINS!

Okay, okay. My bad. I flew a little off the handle there for a second. I admit it. I shouldn’t have done that.

Still, what the heck? “The Death of Optimus Prime”? Did IDW Comics really have to go and make one of those stories?

Perhaps I should explain… I’ve talked before about the early days of Transformers history, back in the ‘80’s with the original line of toys and the original cartoon. And one of the highlights of the original “Generation 1” was the 1986 Transformers movie where, after an all-out brawl with the evil Megatron, OPTIMUS PRIME DIED. It was meant to be a powerful, emotional moment lamenting the death of a hero that left kids in tears on the way home from the theatre.

It’s one of the big moments in Transformers history. Powerful. Poignant. I love it.

Once you (die and) go black, you don't go back.

But… since then, almost any and every incarnation of the Transformers franchise has somehow tried to emulate that same moment. Which isn’t necessarily a bad idea… even if it is just to sell more toys. It’s good storytelling. A heroic death can make for good drama.

The problem is that this has happened over and over. Optimus Prime, in all of his incarnations and universes, has died. A LOT. Like the time where he was reanimated and killed again as a zombie…

"Hard driiiiives... Hard driiiiives..."

Or died in another shootout with the Decepticons…

Tis but a scratch.

Or was beaten to death at the hands of a powered-up Megatron…

"You died?" "I got better."

Or actually CRUMBLED TO DUST in “Armada”…

There's MOSTLY dead, and then there's ALL dead.

Or decided to voluntarily kill himself because he lost a video game. Seriously…

No, really. This ACTUALLY happened.

Or was stabbed and shot in the back in “Revenge of the Fallen”…

Died to save Shia LaBeouf. Not the guy's finest hour...

Or died in the very first episode of “Transformers Animated”…

A new record!

Or…

Merely a flesh wound!

Uhh…

I've had worse...

Okay! We get it! You can stop now!

I'm INVINCIBLE!

Geez. So, yeah, you can see why I’m not exactly optimistic about another story featuring “The Death of Optimus Prime.”

However… Upon reading this comic I was pleasantly surprised to find something completely different. This is a story that features the death of Optimus Prime… but not in the way you’d expect. Because this isn’t a story about the death of Optimus Prime as a person. Really, this is a story about the Transformers as a whole facing a big change and dealing with an uncertain future.

The end of IDW Comics’ last Transformers storyline, “Chaos,” saw the heroic Autobots facing down a planet-wide crisis on their home planet of Cybertron and emerging victoriously. I won’t say much more here because you should check it out for yourselves but, basically, the Autobots win. And now in “The Death of Optimus Prime” they find themselves in a world after the war. The Decepticons are conquered and the planet is ready to start rebuilding. However, as more and more non-combatants and refugees return to Cybertron, the Autobots begin to find themselves at a loss for what to do now. Now that the war is over, what place is there for the likes of Optimus Prime?

This is a story about transitions, wrapping up IDW Comics’ previous Transformers storylines and setting up for two new series to come in this new year.“Transformers: More Than Meets the Eye” will focus on a handful of Autobots setting out into space to find the legendary “Knights of Cybertron” and return their civilization to a glorious golden age.

I'd make another Monty Python and the Holy Grail joke here but I've gone WAY beyond my limit.

“Transformers: Robots in Disguise” will look at the aftermath of the Autobot-Decepticon war on Cybertron. Now that the fighting’s done, how will the Autobots, Decepticons, and neutral Cybertronians coexist and deal with old hostilities?

Law and Order: Cybertron

If you get the chance, check out IDW’s “The Death of Optimus Prime.” It’s a surprisingly good story that sets up for new plotlines to come and, frankly, I’m really excited to see what comes next. What happens to the Transformers now that their war is over? What does Optimus Prime do in a world that no longer needs him? I’ll definitely check out “More Than Meets the Eye” and “Robots in Disguise” to see where the story goes from here.

Huh. Look at that. I guess there is something to look forward to in this new year. And hopefully I’ll be back again soon with new content. Happy New Year, everybody.

- Natron out

Continuing from Part I, Nathaniel sat down to watch “Superman II,” hoping against hope that it wouldn’t be as bad as he knew it was going to be.

Superman II: The Search for More Money

…

(After watching “Superman II”)

One of my favorite internet reviewers, The Spoony One, once said that, when it comes to movie sequels, even bad ones are guaranteed to make money:

“When a movie becomes a hit, the sequel is a slapdash, hastily-assembled clone with worse actors, more cartoonish violence, and far less money. The rationale behind this is with a sequel, you already have a built-in audience who are going to see it no matter what. The tickets are already sold. So all you need to do is to make it as cheaply as humanly possible.”

Case in point: “Superman II.”

"SUPERMAN is thrusting in the direction of the problem. OH YEAH!"

I’m definitely not saying the first “Superman” was a great movie (just check out the first half of this review), but low and behold “Superman II” makes itself a worse movie in comparison by lowering its standards in every possible way. The story is worse. The special effects are worse. The action is more cartoonish. And surprise, surprise, Clark Kent is more of a bumbling idiot and Lex Luthor is more gratingly annoying. Bravo, “Superman II.” Bravo.

But I guess in a way it’s kind of tragic, because “Superman II” was destined to fail even from the start. There’s a lot of behind-the-scenes that went wrong which most people don’t even know about. I myself only know a little.

Here’s what I do know: originally, Richard Donner, the director,

Also made "Lethal Weapon." You're welcome.

tried to film both “Superman” and “Superman II” at the same time, counting on the first movie to be such a success that a sequel was inevitable. So he did… until he went so far over budget and time that the producers pretty much told Donner to wrap up making the first movie and be done. “Superman” was released, became a big hit, and right away the studio was asking for the sequel.

But because of the budget issues, as well as creative differences, the producers fired Donner and brought in director Richard Lester to finish filming “Superman II.” Donner had roughly 75% of the movie filmed before he was replaced. The new director, Lester, added scenes that made the sequel campier, cornier, and more cartoonish than what Donner originally wanted.

In other words, Lester just made the movie suck more. Again, I don’t really know all the behind-the-scenes stuff. But it’s easy to see the end result.

The plot is pretty simple. An explosion in space causes the barriers of the extra-dimensional “Phantom Zone” to break, releasing the imprisoned evil General Zod and his minions near Earth. Discovering that Earth’s yellow sun gives them godlike power, they set out to conquer the planet.

"KNEEL BEFORE ZOD."

Meanwhile, Clark Kent accidentally reveals his identity as Superman to Lois Lane, only for them to realize that they love each other. But Superman finds himself torn between being with the woman he loves or being Earth’s protector. In the end, Superman decides he can’t abandon his duty, fights Zod, and saves the day. Not too shabby. And if one were to go by the basic outline, “Superman II” sounds like it could be a good movie.

Kevin Spacey, tellin' it like it is.

But it’s not. Good lord it’s not.

What makes “Superman II” such a bad movie isn’t any one specific thing. There’s no god-awful climactic moment where Superman reverses time. Lex Luthor is still as irritating as ever, but in this movie he’s only a side character. No, this time around, the movie suffers from all the little minor problems that pile up on top of each other. It’s insidious; you can overlook a moment when the effects look cheap or they make a joke about how the glasses barely hide Superman’s identity (oh hilarity!). On their own, each individual problem isn’t worth caring about. But they just keep adding up, over and over, throughout the whole movie.

Sooner or later, it really starts to get to you.

In almost every scene, there’s just some little something that irritates me. And they don’t. Let. Up! The nuclear blast that opens the Phantom Zone looks like it was drawn with crayon. How does a nuclear blast in space open the Phantom Zone, anyway? Why do Lois and Clark go to Niagara Falls just to cover a story on hotel scams? Why would Lois suicidally throw herself into the river even if she’s trying to trick Clark into revealing he’s Superman? Scenes with Zod in space clearly look like they were shot in a sound studio. And when Zod arrives on Earth, he and his minions display powers never seen before or since from any Kryptonian. How does Zod levitate a guy just by pointing at him? How the f*ck does Lex Luthor manage to break out of jail IN A WEATHER BALLOON? How does he find Superman’s Fortress of Solitude, and when he actually gets there, why doesn’t he really do anything? Why does Clark decide to make himself human in order to be with Lois? Aside from likely problems during sex, I’d like to think he’s capable enough of controlling himself physically around her. Why would the Fortress even have a room that turns you human?

AND WHY THE HELL DOES THIS HAPPEN?

Why do Zod and his minions waste their time attacking an obvious hicktown in the middle of Nowhere, Idaho? And why does the U.S. government show no concern over this blatant superhuman threat, sending nothing more than a handful of soldiers, a few tanks, and one helicopter to fight Zod? No wonder he’s able to just walk into the White House and take control of the country. And again, why doesn’t anyone have any kryptonite or something? The scene where Zod conquers the White House is only made worse when Lex Luthor shows up, out of nowhere, and tries to butter up to Zod. And I swear, if he uses the phrase, “greatest criminal mastermind of the modern age” one more time, I’m going to straight-up murder someone.

Kill him, Zod. KILL HIM!

The big climactic fight scene is fakey and cartoonish, with the villains using their powers to… stomp Superman into the ground like Daffy Duck. They also use their powerful super-breath to… blow toupees off bald people and make skaters trip over their own rollerskates. Aren’t these guys supposed to be battle-hardened soldiers? Why do they follow Superman to his Fortress when it’s so obviously a trap? How in the hell does Superman throw that plastic-wrap S-shield from out of nowhere?

There's a fine line between stupid and flat-out senseless.

How does he rig the Fortress to take away Zod’s powers when Zod’s outside of the room that takes away powers? Do Zod and his minions just fall to their deaths? I’m glad we never see Lex again, but what happened to him? And how in the hell does Superman erase Lois’s memories BY KISSING HER??

GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

What? How? Why?? I don’t understand. NOTHING MAKES SENSE. There’s a difference in fiction between worlds that follow different rules than our own and worlds that DON’T EVEN FOLLOW THEIR OWN RULES. Every single moment in this movie makes me question its own logic and continuity, with events happening randomly at the whim of the convoluted plot. This movie sucks.

Ugh. I thought I could go into this one and give it a fair chance, write up a proper review and say how it’s not as bad as I remember. But it is that bad. The first “Superman” movie may have had its good moments that ultimately were tarnished by the bad, but in “Superman II” every single scene is marred by minor problems that just keep adding up like ants on a plate of food. That’s what “Superman II” feels like.

I’m gonna go take a shower. And I’m definitely going to wait a very long time before I even consider talking about another Superman movie. After seeing what are considered the “good” ones, my first instinct is to take the DVD’s of the other ones out into a field and beat them with a baseball bat, “Office Space”-style.

Excessive? You should've seen what we did to our "Batman and Robin" DVD.

-Natron out

Yeah, you read that right.

Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a disappointing movie franchise!

If you’re a regular reader on this site (and I’m speaking to all four of you), then you already know that I totally love “Smallville.” Buuutttt you also know that, outside of “Smallville,” I absolutely hate any and every other Superman movie/TV show there is. All of them.

"I beg your pardon?"

Okay, okay. Except for the animated series. Dini and Timm be praised.

But with “Smallville” winding down (only three episodes left!), perhaps I’ve been feeling a little… reflective lately. Perhaps I’ve been taking a good look at myself and how I feel towards those other incarnations of Superman. It’s been a while; are they really as bad as I remember?

Whatever the reason, I thought this week I’d try something special and sit down and watch the first two “Superman” movies. Call it a “science fiction double feature,” if you will. Now “Superman III” and “Superman IV” are renowned for being infamously bad movies, but for some reason everybody seems to like the first two. So for this review, all I’m going to do is watch “Superman” and “Superman II” back-to-back and afterwards just give my opinions on each. Simple. And maybe in doing so I’ll find that my opinions have changed. Who knows? This sounds promising. Let’s get started…

Time to fire up the old movietube box machine.

…

(After watching “Superman”)

What could be worse than a movie I truly hate? How about a movie that I really want to like, but I just can’t. That’s what the first “Superman” movie is to me. I just got done watching it, and I’ll admit there is a lot of stuff I like about it. But there are also a lot of flaws I just can’t get past.

I guess I should talk about the positives first. Right from the intro the movie draws you in, with the opening credits flying off the screen as you hurtle through space. The John Williams score is uplifting, and the mood is set; I want to watch this movie.

And it starts off great. I truly love all of the backstory we get on the planet Krypton. We see Superman’s father, Jor-El (played by… Marlon Brando? Talk about star power) trying to warn everyone that the planet’s going to blow, only to have his pleas fall on deaf ears.

I... actually don't have anything cheeky to say here. Well played, Mr. Brando. Well played.

We see Jor-El and his wife, Lara, as they make the sad resolution to send their baby away rather than have him die in the coming disaster. We even get some sequel setup as we see the evil General Zod being banished to the “Phantom Zone.” All of which is made even better by incredibly well-done set design and special effects. They went through a lot of effort to make Krypton seem like a real place, alien and coldly crystalline. The scenes on Krypton are really well done.

And from there the story pretty much follows the basic Superman mythos: Krypton blows up and baby Kal-El is sent hurtling through space… only to land in Kansas, be raised by the Kents, and grow up to live in Metropolis and become Superman. It’s the classic Superman backstory, but its nice to see it played out on-screen.

There are a few annoying moments, though. Like when the Kents first find the alien toddler in a crater in the field. There’s no freakout, no reaction, no “Holy crap, that baby just fell out of the sky!!!” They just roll with it. Weird…

"Damn kids. Fall out of the sky on MY lawn, will they? Not while I'm around."

Comparisons to “Smallville” are inevitable in this part, but the movie does a pretty good job. You see Clark showing off with his powers and questioning what he’s supposed to do with his life. And the creation of the Fortress of Solitude is very cool effect. But again this leads to another weird moment when, during Clark’s training in the Fortress, the A.I. recording of Jor-El warns Clark that he is “forbidden to interfere with human history.” What? Why? And how can he not, when he’s training to become SUPERMAN. That doesn’t make sense to me. But it doesn’t take me out of the mood. I’m still enjoying the movie so far.

The point where I start having problems is when we first get to Metropolis. As the movie came out in 1978, it tends to follow the “classic” portrayals of its characters. Which means the movie has Clark Kent acting as the prototypical bumbling “mild-mannered” reporter. But to me that’s always been really annoying. I get it: it’s his disguise, that’s what he’s trying to do. I just don’t agree with it. To me, being such a spineless mild-mannered wimp only draws more attention to yourself, plus makes for a pretty lousy double-identity. He’s just trying too hard to act as weak as possible.

"Who, me?"

Now, the romance with Lois is nice (mostly. “I like pink very much” made me gag a little), the hero montage is nice, but just seeing Clark act like a wimp gets irritating. Personally, I like how Clark Kent has been portrayed in recent years, as more of a regular person. He can be quiet but also assertive and energetic, just like any unassuming regular guy. Clark Kent can be “human” without being annoying.

But whatever. I can live with the bumbling Clark Kent. What I can’t stand is the one-dimensional cardboard cutout that is Lex Luthor.

"O RLY?"

This is what draws the movie down for me.This guy makes no sense. He’s obviously filthy rich but for some reason wants to commit crimes to make money. He hires the most gratingly inept henchmen. And he has no personality other than gloating over how evil he is, constantly calling himself the “greatest criminal mastermind of the modern age” like he’s Snidley F*cking Whiplash or something. He even monologues. Constantly. Who does that? Why? I DON’T UNDERSTAND… And Gene Hackman’s acting doesn’t help, playing his character purely for laughs and cartoonish cheese. I can’t stand this guy.

I can't wait til Warner Bros. drops your ass and replaces you with Kevin Spacey.

Which, I suppose, brings us to the part I hate the most: the big dumb ending. Lex wants to blow up land to gain property value (what?). He subdues Superman with kryptonite but doesn’t kill him (dumbass). Superman escapes (duh) and saves the day… except Lois dies (unexpected!). And then… Then…

Then Superman flies off in a fit of rage and SPINS THE EARTH BACKWARDS TO REVERSE TIME.

FAIL!!! FAIL!!! A thousand times FAIL!!!!!

WHAT. THE. F@$&?!?!?

Gaahhh! It’s so stupid! It makes no sense! This one act brings the movie from “tolerable” to “crap.” How did they get away with this? I can’t stand it! This SHOULD NOT HAPPEN.

Arghhhhhh…

Well, I guess that’s all I have to say about that. “Superman” is a movie that started out with so much promise only to be brought down by a cartoonish, ineffectual villain and the worst plot resolution this side of “it was all a dream.” Will the sequel be any better? Probably not. Let’s watch it.

…

(to be continued)

-Natron out

Generation 2: When the 80's Met the 90's

Hmmm…

Hmmm…

Alright, here’s the deal: right now I’m trying my damnedest to procrastinate the hell out of all the work I should be doing. I’ve got essays due in all my classes and I’m pretty sure there’s a presentation in there somewhere. But, naturally, I don’t want to do any of it. So I thought that once again I’d take this week as a chance to continue our look back at the history of Transformers!

Make it so!

Because what better way to put off writing an essay that to… write something else. It kind of makes sense. Maybe.

Anyways, last time we looked at the end of “Generation 1,” the latter half of that shiny and new first era of Transformers history. And it was an awkward end. Toys kept getting more gimmicky and bizarre and the TV cartoon had been on reruns for years. The Transformers that began in 1984 fizzled out in 1991 as the toyline ended.

And then, after vanishing for two years, Transformers came back in 1993 for a new generation. It was called “Generation 2.”

Generation 2: Electric Boogaloo

Really? Just “Generation 2”? Way to be creative, Hasbro. I mean, I guess it’s better than “Transformers: The Next Generation,” but still.

Name aside, I just have one small problem with “G2”: I’m not really sure what to say about this period of Transformers history. It’s weird. I remember this was when I first started getting into Transformers, when I was about 5 or 6 years old and could finally play with complex toys without breaking them. And that was fun. But looking back now… I don’t know how to describe it.

But if I had to describe it… This is going to sound weird, but “Generation 2” was basically “Generation 1.”

No, really. I’m being serious. Two years after the end of “Generation 1,” Hasbro took all of their more popular Transformers toys and just re-released them. That Optimus Prime that came out in 1984? Same toy that came out in 1993. Remember the Dinobots, those dinosaur Transformers from 1985? They were sold in 1993, too. Believe me, I should know- one of them was my first Transformer.

Daddy loves you, son.

All those toy robots you knew and loved from the mid-‘80’s were right there on toy shelves in the early ‘90’s. “Generation 2” was just a repackaged “Generation 1!”

Actually… Alright, I admit that’s not entirely true. There were actually a “few” differences. And I mean “few” the same way there’s a “few” differences between a raving coke addict and Charlie Sheen.

The Transformers that were released in “G2” usually came with new weapons and accessories, such as Optimus Prime coming with two badass handguns and a voicebox in his trailer… which had someone who sounded nothing like Peter Cullen saying, “I am Optimus Prime!” And some “G2” toys (mostly during ’94 and ‘95) were entirely new molds. Instead of turning into a gun like his 1984 toy, Megatron now turned into an entire tank.

"I'm here to blow s#!@ up and chew bubblegum. And I'm all out of bubblegum!"

Finally, right? I never understood why in the hell the freakin’ leader of the Decepticons would turn into a handgun for someone else to use. Unless…

"Hold me, Starscream. Like you did on Naboo."

But no, that’s not what everyone remembers about “Generation 2” toys. What do they remember?

Neon.

GAHHH!!! My eyes! Oh lord, my eyes!!

Garish, clashing, early ‘90’s neon. You see, when older Transformer toys were re-released for “G2,” they almost always got a new paint job. Sure, you already had a “G1” Grimlock, but that one was grey. Why don’t you buy this new one? This one is blue! You don’t have this blue one yet!

Some of the repaints looked just fine. Others were weird, but you’d expect that with toys, right? But then some of them…

How many colors can YOU cram onto one toy?

It looked like someone puked a rainbow. Bags of Skittles didn’t have as many bright colors as these things!

Basically, fans in the early ‘90’s agreed. Some didn’t care from the re-releasing of older toys. Many didn’t care for the violently neon colors. Why buy something the color of radioactive sin when you had the same toy in better colors sitting on a shelf from 10 years ago?

And the cartoon? The cartoon was just recycled “G1,” too! All they did was stick a new “Generation 2” logo on the title card and have clips of Optimus Prime introducing the episode.

"Now this is the story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-down..."

But beyond that it was the exact same cartoon from the ‘80’s in reruns. No new episodes, no new animation. I think the one part of “G2” that actually was original was the Marvel comic series, which came out with new, original stories. But beyond that, if you squinted “G2” looked just like “G1.” Needless to say, the line wasn’t the most well-received.

The “Generation 2” toyline lasted from 1993 to 1995 in all its neon weirdness. But with many fans viewing “Generation 2” as a worse version of “Generation 1,” once again sales dwindled and the line ended after only about two-and-a-half years. I’d say the word that defines this generation is “neon,” but I think “Generation 2” deserves more credit than it’s given. The colors were bizarre,

WAY bizarre.

but the new molds were technologically a step forward from clunky “G1,” thanks largely to the use of more articulate ball joints that could swivel in any direction. And, as a little kid in ’93, I didn’t mind the re-releases because I didn’t have the originals in the first place. Perhaps the one word to describe “Generation 2” is “rebirth.”

And if I had two words to describe it, it’d be “neon rebirth.”

In the end, another generation of Transformers history was over. But where “G2” failed, something new and unusual was about to arrive and give Transformers a true rebirth…

"What in the hell..?"

But we’ll tame that beast later.

-Natron out

Wow, I guess that Captain Morgan hit harder than I thought…

Man, that was some February.

Anyways, hey. After a little bit of a break, this week I thought we’d return again to the history of Transformers as we continue to look at the early years of “Generation 1.”

However, the thought has occurred to me that there are probably some of you out there wondering why I love Transformers so much. Who cares, right? Well, I suppose if you really must know, I actually once spent a little time as leader of the Decepticons. True story. It was around when Megatron “died” that one time and hey, no one knew if he was coming back or not, so they had this little election and, straight out of nowhere, I found myself at the head of a robot empire. Really. Hey, where do you think the name “Natron” came from?

Kind of looks like me. Just add more human.

I admit I wasn’t really the most qualified for the job, but we gave it a shot. It actually kind of worked for a while. We hung out, we watched movies, we ate Doritos. It was a good time. Too bad it didn’t last… That Starscream guy kept wanting to “do” stuff like conquer planets and junk. Whatever. I ended up leaving, but I’m still on pretty good terms with most of the guys. I’d like to think I was the most likable Decepticon leader they ever had…

But that’s not important anymore. We’re here to talk about the history of the Transformers franchise, not any real Transformers… Which may or may not exist…

Transformers: making you paranoid of your car since 1984.

Anyways, when last we left, halfway through the original “Generation 1” of Transformers, everything was going pretty well. The Transformers toyline had successfully gotten off the ground, with Hasbro and Takara re-releasing Takara’s old toys and renaming them “Transformers.” And the toys became extremely popular because Hasbro marketed the hell out of them. The Transformers had a Marvel Comics series, their own cartoon, games, clothes… all sorts of merchandise. And all of it to market Transformers to kids as kick-ass alien robots from the planet Cybertron locked in epic civil war. And it was good.

"And on the 8th Day, the Lord played with his action figures..."

But then in 1986… everything changed.

Or “transformed,” if you will. Ba-zing!

…

…

Okay, I admit, that was really bad… I apologize. Sorry.

But anyway, 1986 was a pivotal year in Transformers history because it really was when everything changed. To understand why, I suppose once again the best place to start is with the toys themselves. After two years of taking Takara’s old toys and re-releasing them as “Transformers,” Hasbro reached a turning point: they had used up all of Takara’s old toy molds. There was nothing else to re-release. Which means that Hasbro was faced with a radical notion… make new Transformers.

I know, right? What a ridiculous idea.

So in 1986, Hasbro began making all new molds and releasing brand-new Transformers. And even though the earlier toys changed into a wide variety of forms (cars, planes, guns, boomboxes, dinosaurs, etc.) and had gimmicks like combination or triple-changing, the new ones that came out were all over the place. They just got weirder and weirder as each year went by. Seriously. Transformers began changing into futuristic, alien vehicles, bizarre creatures, even things like buildings and battle stations. And the gimmicks became even more outlandish. There were Transformers that turned into heads for other Transformers (headmasters), Transformers that turned into weapons and armor (targetmasters), Transformers that disguised themselves in monstrous outer shells (pretenders).

A Transformer within a Transformer within a Transformer? TransCEPTION!

There were Transformers that shot sparks, that shot water, that changed colors in water, that turned s#!% into gold, that could dodge bullets, that could leap tall buildings in a single bound, that knew kung fu, that could…

Gahh, ow, ow, ow! I think I just ruptured something. Oh man, that was ridiculous.

Clearly, 1986 was when the Transformers toyline started changing into the completely bizarre, but that actually wasn’t the biggest change to happen. Probably the most important change came in the Transformers cartoon.

In 1986, after two seasons of the Transformers cartoon on television, they came out with a legit, released-in-theatres Transformers movie.

Plans for the next Star Wars got REALLY weird.

For reals. Looking back, more than even the toyline itself, this was probably the single most important event in “Generation 1” history, because it was simultaneously the greatest and worst thing to happen to the Transformers storyline.

How? Well, from a real-world standpoint, the Transformers movie was meant to be a changing of the guard, a chance to introduce new characters into the story. After all, Hasbro was making new Transformers toys, and they wanted to market them! So they’d want to make cartoon characters to promote them. Makes sense, right?

Buuttttt… in order to introduce the new characters, Hasbro decided they wanted to get rid of the old ones…

Hasbro had its trained monkeys take those old characters for a little walk around back...

Which brings us to the story. After years of scheming (all the way into the far-flung future of 2005. Remember how futuristic that year was?), Megatron and the Decepticons finally lead an all-out assault on the Autobots’ city on Earth, cutting a huge bloody wake of destruction and killing a ton of Autobots. All seems lost… until Optimus Prime arrives to save the day. Optimus shoots his way through a horde of footsoldiers and faces Megatron solo in hand-to-hand combat. This fight is totally and completely BADASS. They just wail on each other and Optimus is almost about to win when Megatron pulls an underhanded trick and fatally wounds Optimus. And while Megatron’s also beaten to hell and the Decepticons are forced to retreat, little kids everywhere had to watch one of the worst moments in childhood movie history:

Optimus Prime dies.

Ho. Ly. Crap. I know Hasbro wanted to rotate out old characters and replace them with new ones, but… seriously? They had to f*cking kill Optimus Prime??? Good lord! Screw the whole “changing of the guard” thing, Hasbro had to have one of the most iconic cartoon heroes in history die on-screen lying in a robot hospital bed.

Died... FOR YOUR SINS.

Wow. Just… wow.

I don’t even know where to go after that. I mean, the movie continues, sure. The tattered remains of the Decepticons come across this godlike planet-Transformer named Unicron, who basically resurrects them all so they can be his slaves and help destroy the universe. What Autobots remain flee Earth with the “Matrix of Leadership,” a shiny talisman that, of course, is the one thing that can destroy Unicron. What luck, right?

The bad guys try to stop them, but ultimately the Autobots destroy Unicron and unite under their new leader, a turbo-revvin’ young punk named Hot Rod, who saves the day and becomes “Rodimus Prime.” The Autobots emerge victorious. Huzzah…

"Light our darkest hour!"

So, yeah, that was the movie. And even after all that craziness, the cartoon still continued for another season on TV. Really. After Optimus dying and half the cast being replaced, the cartoon continued for one more season… but with a dynamic shift in tone. Season 3 moved to a more humorous, lighthearted feel, with more stories set in far-off space and in more absurd scenarios. It was weird. Season 3 had all the characters, both Autobot and Decepticon, exploring the strange new world of the beyond…

I suppose season 3 was… okay. But a definite void could be felt after the freakin’ death of Optimus Prime. Sorry, I still can’t get past that. It was just such a huge moment that the show never really recovered from. What was Transformers without the iconic Optimus Prime? Many fans were outraged after the movie over how banally Optimus died. In fact, so great was the outcry… that the cartoon’s writers brought him back. Season 3 ended with a multi-part story literally resurrecting Optimus Prime from the dead to combat a plague spreading across the galaxy. And the day was saved. Huzzah!

And on the third day, he rose... to take names and kick ass.

And while bringing Optimus Prime back was awesome, it kind of came too little too late. Aside from one final mini-season, the return of Optimus Prime came at the end of the Transformers cartoon… and with it the end of the “Generation 1” storyline. Japan kept the cartoon going with their own continuing storylines, and the comics continued in a limited capacity, but the end of the cartoon meant the end of an era. While the first half of “Generation 1” was about establishing an image, the second half took that image and pushed it into something new and strange.

By the end of the “G1” run in 1991, Transformers as people knew them were finished. They’d run their course, with the cartoon long over and popularity for the toyline waning. And if the franchise was to continue, something needed to change.

And, soon enough, something would…

The arrival of NEON...

But that’s a story for another day.

- Natron out

Due to an unforeseen incident with a bottle of Captain Morgan, Nathaniel has, regrettably, been unavailable for posting. He does, however, send this prepared post.

Sighhhhh…

Oh yeah, you know this is going to be a great post when the very first thing I have to say is a depressed, drawn-out, “Sighhhhh…” I’ve been sitting here for a good 20 minutes trying to think up a catchier hook, but this is all I’ve got. Brilliant, huh?

Well, since you’re here, I guess I should probably wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day. And I do. But at the same time I’m also going to come right out and say that no, I’m not exactly a fan of Valentine’s Day. Not for any serious, media-hating consumerism reason or whatever. Really, it’s just because I’m single, I think it kind of sucks, and I wish I had someone special to spend today with. Pretty basic, I guess.

Really, I'm just in it for the little chocolate candies.

However, I’d also like to point out that, for the record, I am not one of those emo-romantic douchebags that’s going to spend today crying into their black eyeliner because they’re alone and listening to My Chemical Romance. No sir. Me, I’ve got a bottle of Captain Morgan waiting for me and Evanescence’s “Solitude” repeating on my iPod. That’s how I roll. You know, cuz I’m deep.

I think this one speaks for itself.

But alright, I suppose you didn’t come here to listen to how I plan on spending today drinking. You want me to talk about something nerdy that has something to do with love and romance! Well, fine. You want me to do a Valentine’s Day review? So be it.

Gah! Turn undead! Turn undead!

Gah! Not that! Not that! Put it away! Anything but that! I mean, geez! Seriously.

If I’m going to talk about something for Valentine’s Day, I was thinking something more along the lines of…

Spice up your Valentine's Day with an extra dose of Mel Gibson!

Confused? What, “Braveheart” is totally Valentine’s Day material. It’s got plenty of love and passion and stuff like that. It’s one of my favorite romances. No, really. Maybe you just don’t remember it that way.

I think that, to a lot of people, “Breavheart” is one of those movies that has reached “meme status.” It’s been a while since you’ve seen it, and you don’t remember too much about it outside of Mel Gibson shouting, “FREEEEEDOOOMMMM!”

"FACEPAAAAAAIINT!"

Which, I admit, is still awesome. But there’s more to it than that. Beyond the “FREEDOM!” beyond the epic battle scenes, the political intrigue, and the anachronistic depiction of Scottish history, “Braveheart” is, at it’s core, a love story. Trust me.

The movie starts with sweeping shots of beautiful Scottish landscape and sweet Celtic flute music, and right away I can’t help but wish I actually had the money to afford an overseas vacation. Some voiceover guy comes on and says that he’s going to tell us the tale of William Wallace, and though historians from England will say it’s a lie, this is what really happened. I’m pretty sure more than English historians might call this movie a lie… seeing as how the movie takes liberties with actual historical figures, events, and culture… But I digress. Basically the intro sets up that an English king named Edward “the Longshanks”

That's what she said.

has declared himself King of Scotland and is also an evil, tyrannical jackass. That’s all the setup I need. Scottish good, English bad.

We see a young William Wallace, playing with his friend Hamish and trying to go with his dad on trips outside of the family farm to “top secret” meetings local families are having to discuss what to do about those pesky English. Because if the intro didn’t tell you already, those English are evil. Long story short, one day William’s father and brother go out and don’t come back. Well, they do… in a body bag. But that’s just dark. It’s all very sad and all when, during the burial, a little girl comes over and gives William a thistle. Awww… Well isn’t that sweet? Here amidst tragedy this little girl is there to show William love and kindness. That’s just so cute.

"Just don't try to hold it. At all. They're really sharp."

Anyways, with his immediate family gone, William’s uncle shows up (pretty much straight out of nowhere. Seriously, dude rides up to the funeral and all he says is, “William? I’m your uncle.”) and takes William with him so he can raise William to be smart, strong, and brave. And so many years pass… and William grows up to become Mel Gibson. Mission accomplished!

Well, at any rate the now-adult William returns to his home village after spending years abroad, looking to start a simple life and arriving just in time for a wedding festival. He’s reunited with some old friends like Hamish and immediately falls for a pretty young woman named Murron (all the good Scottish names were taken). And wouldn’t you know it, Murron just happens to have been the little girl with the thistle all those years ago. Wow. Who would have guessed? It’s almost like they were meant for each other or something.

Saved herself for 20+ years in a village with maybe 7 women, tops. For Mel Gibson.

Naturally, William and Murron hit it off, but they decide to keep their relationship a secret. Her parents might not approve her dating a wild young Mel Gibson. Also, King Edward has instituted a custom called “primae noctis,” in which local English officers have the right to have sex with Scottish women on the first night of their marriage. And, according to what I could find on Wikipedia, this may or may not have actually happened. But I’ll believe it, since everyone knows those English are just so evil. William and Murron get married in secret, they make love in the moonlight (which must be really awkward, because judging by how much you can see their breath it must be damn cold), and everything seems great. Until one day this creepy old English soldier tries to put the moves on Murron in the village. Not cool. William shows up and starts a fight to rescue her but, while he gets away safely, she gets captured by the English soldiers. Before William can save her, the local (evil) English magistrate has Murron tied up and, to set an example, slits her throat.

This is very, very stupid. The magistrate has clearly never seen a Mel Gibson movie, or else he would have known better. He is now royally f*cked.

You done goofed.

William Wallace, being the Mel Gibson that he is, goes APE-SH*T. He leads an attack on the local English fort, killing a bunch of soldiers in gory detail and sparking a local uprising. And here’s where the movie becomes what everybody remembers.

Wallace becomes the leader of the uprising, taking out English soldiers at forts throughout Scotland. He catches the attention of the Scottish nobles, who regard him as a loose cannon but they let him keep fighting cuz, well, you don’t effing mess with a psychotic Mel Gibson. Wallace wins more and more victories, delivers his famous, “They’ll never take our FREEDOM!” speech, and kills a sh*t-ton of people whilst dressed in blue warpaint.

Fashionably terrifying.

He even captures the English town of York and beheads the king’s nephew (and has the head delivered in a basket). It’s awesome.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t last forever. The Scottish nobles decide to betray Wallace so they can keep their (English-bought) lands, King Edward keeps trying to kill him, and Wallace is forced to go into hiding to fight a guerilla war. He does hook up with the king’s daughter-in-law (played by Sophie Marceau. Lucky William) who falls in love with him, and wins the respect of Robert the Bruce, a legitimate contender for the Scottish crown. That’s not bad, right?

But ultimately Wallace is betrayed, captured by the English, and tried for high treason. And before they kill him they torture him, trying to get Wallace to confess his crimes against England.

Mel, your symbolism's coming on a little strong.

It’s totally gory and hard to watch, but Wallace, steadfast to the end, endures the pain before gathering one last breath of air to defiantly shout, “FREEEEEDOOOMMMM!” And though Wallace dies, his actions inspire the Scottish to fight on and win their freedom from England. Wow. What a powerful, inspiring movie, right?

Okay, okay. I admit that I left a lot of movie out. I just gave you the Cliff’s Notes version, but there is so much more that I could’ve mentioned about all the political intrigue, the relationship between Wallace and his friends, and all the fighting that goes on. There’s a lot.

And this happens.

But if you’re looking for why I chose to talk about “Braveheart” for Valentine’s Day, well… at it’s heart, I consider the movie to be a romance. Yes, William Wallace did rise to become a Scottish freedom fighter and yes, there was a lot of fighting against (evil) England. But the entirely of Wallace’s character is built around how he fell in love with a beautiful girl and how the pain of losing her drove him to fight against the English. And, godforbid we ever tragically lose them, we all should be so lucky to find a love that is that powerful.

"Honey, if I ever die tragically, will you move on to hook up with a hot Frenchwoman?" "Best not talk about such things, dear."

I love watching “Braveheart” because it shows how love can be strong enough to lead us to suffering, violence, and murder.

…

Waaiiiiit…

- Natron out

Ughhhhh…

Sorry, I just really don’t feel like talking about anything. I think “Transformers” took a lot out of me. Maybe I’ll just do something short and simple this week.

Hmm… I have been watching a lot of “Smallville” lately. Maybe I can just pop in an episode and run with that. Let’s see… I’m somewhere in season 6 right now…

Okay, here’s something: “Smallville” season 6 episode 14: “Trespass.” I haven’t gotten to this one yet. Let me just press play here…

We're about to get taken to a dreamworld of magic!

…

(45 minutes later)

…

Wow. That was incredibly stupid. I mean, I know I’ve said before that I love this show, but this episode was Exhibit A about how pants-numbingly dumb “Smallville” can be sometimes. Gah. My brain hurts.

And you know what? It all has to do with one simple trend I’ve been noticing as the show progresses: Lana Lang is a f*cking idiot.

In “Smallville” (and the comics themselves), Lana Lang is the hometown love interest for Clark Kent as he’s growing up. And for the first few seasons most of Lana’s job was, in a nutshell, to be the love interest.

However, after a few years of the on-again/off-again teen drama with Clark still not telling her about his superpowers, I guess the writers decided they needed to shake things up. So season 5 had Clark and Lana flat-out break up “for good” so that Lana, in her grief, would feel so hurt by Clark that she would be driven into a relationship with Clark’s other friend-turned-foe: Lex Luthor.

And in doing so, this completely destroyed her character. Lana goes from being the caring love interest that can’t figure out why Clark is never around when supernatural stuff happens and becomes this paranoid, angry bitch.

I'm mad at something! ... Just don't ask me why.

She alienates her friends, moves into the Luthor mansion, gets pregnant, and agrees to marry Lex (well-known for being manipulative and deceitful) all seemingly because she’s bitter that Clark “keeps secrets” from her. Lana Lang makes no sense.

Which (finally) brings us to “Trespass.” Last episode ended with Clark crashing Lex and Lana’s rehearsal dinner (he was high on kryptonite). In the aftermath, Lana found a chisel that she thinks Lex tried to stab Clark with, but somehow got all bent up. No, 6 seasons and she still hasn’t figured out that Clark is superhuman. So this episode begins with Lana in her room, holding the chisel and wondering how it got bent.

Whatever could it MEAN?

Only instead of looking like she’s deep in thought, she’s looking like a crazy person. I don’t really want to blame Kristin Kreuk’s acting, but Lana’s just there holding this thing for like 5 minutes, her eyes darting all over it and her mouth kind of twitching. I guess you can only act with the script you’re given, but Lana does not look sane here.

She then gets a text message from a number she doesn’t know with a picture of her sitting where she is now. Ahh, stalker! She freaks, and Lex and his security rush in but can’t find anyone. Lex asks Lana if she actually saw anything, and instead of showing him the fricking text message she says she “could just feel a presence in the room.” What?! We find out later in the episode that she didn’t want Lex to see the bent chisel in the picture, but this is 2007 and her phone can’t be newer than 2004. The picture is so crappy that she could be holding anything in her hand. Just tell him it’s your vanity mirror. Guys will believe that.

"Seven days..."

But no, she’s a dumbass. And she’s not the only one. Even though his girlfriend’s scared, Lex leaves on a business trip, meaning he either a) thinks she’s crazy or b) doesn’t care if she’s really being stalked. His security will protect her… as she decides to go hide out in her old apartment above the coffee shop. Gah.

We get some dialogue here between Lana and her friend Chloe (whom Lana has also distanced herself from lately), but ultimately the stalker finds her there and Lana does her best job of being scared while awkwardly trying to hold a knife.

Oh yeah, and Clark’s in this episode somewhere, too. I think. I guess he’s out trying to track down who this mysterious stalker could be. But it doesn’t matter because the big reveal is stupid anyway.

Anyway, even though security wants to take her somewhere, you know, secure, Lana decides to go to “the last place anyone would look for her” and goes to hide at… the Kent family farm. Really? Really?? Not only is this stupid and a terrible place to defend, but when she gets there Mrs. Kent says Lana can stay in Clark’s room, knowing full well how much of a paraoid bitch about Clark Lana’s become.

I’d say there’s some charm when all Lana finds when going through Clark’s stuff is a picture of her and the necklace she gave him, but skip it. The stalker finds her, actually kills a guy, and in fear Lana tries to run and falls down some stairs. The rest of security shows up and Lana goes to the hospital. Yippee.

Horray! She's horribly mangled!

And of course things only get dumber from here. In the hospital, Lex’s security decides to relocate Lana to the dark, scary, abandoned wing of the hospital with junk piled everywhere. Why? Security, of course! This is so stupid it hurts… So some guy with a camera shows up for no reason and chases Lana through the abandoned wing, Clark shows up and rescues her, and Lex’s security shows up and kills the camera guy off-screen. Well that was swift. Apparently he pulled out a gun or something. And Clark, instead of x-raying the body to see if he did have a gun or taking two seconds to actually think about how nothing makes sense, decides the mystery’s been solved and lets Lex’s security take Lana back to the mansion.

Even though we the audience know that can’t be the end (cuz there’s still 10 minutes left), I don’t care anymore. All these people are morons. They go back to the mansion, Lex’s security guy reveals he’s the stalker and that he “didn’t want to see Lana become corrupted by Lex” or something. I don’t know, it’s all bullshit. There’s a chase up to the roof, they fall, Clark saves Lana, and blah blah wrap-up.

You know, Clark, you could've dropped the ball just this once.

This whole episode is pointless crap because the whole stalker thing makes no sense and by this point in the show I’ve stopped caring about Lana Lang. Everything she does out of being “hurt over Clark” and in her relationship with Lex just comes off as being childish and nonsensical. And this episode is just a prime example of that. There’s no logic, no overall point to it, and in the end I don’t care about it.

I actually feel I need to apologize for wasting your time. But I do thank you for letting me rant about how Lana Lang pisses me off. I can’t wait for the episode where she gets caught in an explosion, even though I know it’s not really her. I’ll take what I can get.

Sweet, sweet justice.

- Natron out

Hmmm…

Okay, originally I was thinking of using this week’s post to do another At the Movies review for “Tron: Legacy,” which I saw last week. But the more I thought about it, I really didn’t think there’s much to say. I mean, the visuals were spectacular and the soundtrack was surprisingly good (props to Daft Punk for that one), but the story itself was just kind of… meh. It’s one of those movies that’s big on action and small on plot, and if you stop and think about it you realize nothing makes sense.

"Man, I am so totally baked right now..."

Instead, since it is the start of a brand new year, I thought this would be as good a time as any to try something different. A new year means new opportunities, and a chance to start up new projects. And this is something I’ve been planning on doing for a while now. As kind of a new segment here on TwistedEncore, I’d like to delve into the history of one of the most awesomely nerdy things I hold very near and dear to my heart. Something that, like “Tron,” is totally ‘80’s. Something that’s more than meets the eye. Oh yeah. I’m talking about the one, the only…

Robots in disguise, muthaf&@%a!

That’s right, we’re going there. Why? Because I can, my friends. Because I can. I know I’ve probably said it before, but I freakin’ love Transformers. They’re robots that can turn into… well, darn near anything. Cars, animals, weapons, you name it. It’s two toys in one! Besides, they’re some of the first toys I can remember playing with. The first toy I ever actually bought was a Transformer (1993 Grimlock, which I still have. Most of it).

Daddy loves you, son.

And I still have a pretty decent collection. They’re just plain fun.

Well, okay, more than that I thought this would be a good way to actually sit down and take a look back at all that Transformers have been over the years. After all, these things have been around since 1984. Over a quarter of a century and somehow they’re still as popular as ever. Whether you like ‘em or not, that’s pretty impressive. And with this new segment, which I’ll try to do every month or so, I’d like to take a look back and see how far Transformers have come over the years. So let’s do this thing!

His enthusiasm is over 9000.

I suppose a good place to start would be “In the Beginning.” However, the idea for Transformers didn’t come out of nowhere. In fact, they weren’t even an original creation. Transformers were born out of a joint venture between American toy company Hasbro and Japanese toy company Takara as a way to resell toys that Takara already had. Takara had already been making toy robots that turned into cars with toylines like Microchangers (small car-robots) and Diaclone (vehicles that turned into mechs that tiny figures could pilot). So, with Hasbro, they decided to take what toys they were already producing and sell them together as an entirely new toyline of transforming robots. And thus, in 1984, Transformers were born!

And there was much rejoicing.

"NEEERRRRRRRRRRDS!"

These days, the original Transformers line is known as “Generation 1” (“G1”), but back then they were just called “The Transformers.” And they came in a variety of shapes and sizes. Up until 1986, Hasbro and Takara just reused Takara’s old toys and released them as Transformers, so there were already lots to chose from. There were cars, trucks, planes, guns, boomboxes (and cassette tapes), microscopes, bugs, dinosaurs… There were Transformers that could combine and form an even BIGGER robot and Transformers that could turn into more than one vehicle.

Some assembly required...

All of which made for some cool toys. But part of what made Transformers as popular as they became was how Hasbro marketed them. They didn’t just sell them, they built up an entire franchise around them! Hasbro developed an entire backstory for the Transformers, how they’re actually alien robots from a mechanical world called Cybertron, fighting each other in a civil war that has lasted millennia and spanned galaxies.

"It's only a model."

And now their fight has come to Earth, where, to disguise themselves, they transform into everyday vehicles and fight in secret.

In other words, it was every 8-year-old’s fighting robot fantasy. And Hasbro marketed it to death. The Transformers had their own Marvel comic book series, where they not only followed their own storyline but even crossed over with other Marvel characters like Spider-Man.

Don't worry, Spider-Man. There's a lot of other things you should feel foolish about.

There were coloring books, games, clothes… and a cartoon.

This is probably what everyone remembers the most about the original Transformers- the cartoon. Like the comic books, the cartoon series followed the adventures of both sides of the Cybertronian war on Earth: the evil Decepticons, under the power-hungry Megatron,

Megatron > Regular Tron

and the heroic Autobots, under the AWESOME Optimus Prime.

"I died for your sins."

As the cartoon showed, while fighting in space millions of years ago, both their ships crash-landed on Earth and knocked everybody into stasis, only to be woken up again in 1984 to continue their fight while discovering Earth culture. And that’s how most of the episodes went. The Autobots would be interacting with their human friends, Megatron and the Decepticons would come up with some evil plan to destroy them, they’d fight, the Autobots would win, wash, rinse, repeat.

Once again, the day is saved thanks to... the Powerpuff Girls!

Looking back now, the animation is full of errors but still fun to watch (in that retro kind of way). Stories were mostly formulaic and self-contained. But the voice acting was top-notch, with the likes of Peter Cullen and the legendary Frank Welker giving life to multiple characters and infusing each one with their own personality. Like the scheming underling Starscream, the rugged old ‘bot Ironhide, or the emotionless, monotone Soundwave. Oh, that Soundwave…

"Soundwave is watching you, puny internet blogger..."

Not to mention the cool, electronic theme song the show had and that completely BADASS transforming sound effect that every kid’s heard before. You know the one. The cartoon was ‘80’s cheese, but still fun.

In looking back at everything so far, if I had to pick one word to sum everything up it’d be “image.” Everything that got the Transformers franchise off the ground was about giving it its image, its identity. Hasbro made a toy series into a lasting franchise because they made the toys into characters and created this whole fictional universe for them.

And then after two seasons, everything changed.

That's no moon...

But we’ll get into that next time. See, the original “Generation 1” of Transformers was pretty much one continuous toyline and storyline that lasted until 1991. That’s a lot to cover. So I’ve decided to split things in half right around 1986, when both the toys and cartoon made some pretty significant changes. But that’s something we’ll talk about in part 2…

- Natron out

Well this is nice. We’ve made it into another year. Happy 2011, everybody! I always get so excited about the start of a new year. It holds so much promise. Who knows what I might achieve?

"If you believe in yourself, and with a tiiiiny bit of magic, all your dreams will come true!"

Why, this might be the year I graduate from college, set out into the real world and find my chosen career. I mean, probably. I’m not really sure how I might find a decent job… Well, whatever. Maybe I’ll get a lot of writing done that I intend to. Or maybe this is the year that I find that special someone who I’ll spend the rest of my life with. I’m one of those people who likes to believe in destiny and all.

Of course, it’s never exactly worked out for me so far. Even though I tell myself every year something good will happen. In fact, the more I think about it, I can’t really remember any of my New Year’s expectations coming through.

I’m really depressed now…

Ugh. I could use a pick-me-up. Is there anything to look forward to in this new year?

Wait… What’s this..?

Gentlemen, BEHOLD!

Get out. DC is coming out with a “Batman Beyond” comic? Starting this Wednesday? This. Is. Awesome.

Insert Sparta joke here.

For those of you that don’t know what’s going on, I probably should explain. Back in the early ‘90’s, writer Paul Dini and artist Bruce Timm (bow to their greatness!) worked to create a little cartoon called “Batman: The Animated Series.” And it kicked ass. It was everything that made Batman awesome. It was dark. It was complex. It was artistic. It was fun. It drew inspiration from the recent Tim Burton movies and the Batman comics as a whole, and was a step above anything else at the time. Even now it’s still great to go back and watch.

Anyway, “Batman: The Animated Series” kicked so much ass that eventually Dini, Timm, and friends expanded their cartoon universe to include “Superman: The Animated Series,” “The New Batman Adventures,” “Justice League,” and “Justice League Unlimited.” All of which were great, filled with style and a serious grasp of the source material. Art, voice acting, storytelling… all were consistently top-notch.

Look! There's Superman! And Batman! And, uhh... those other guys...

But perhaps my favorite of the bunch came after “The New Batman Adventures,” when Dini and Timm were looking for a new direction, something to do with the DC Animated Universe that had never been done before. This new direction was “Batman Beyond.”

Started in 1999, “Batman Beyond” did something virtually unique in the world of comic book-storytelling: it was a cartoon about the future of the DC universe. Think about that. With characters like Batman and Superman that have existed as they are and unchanged since the 1930’s, “Batman Beyond” was a show that actually looked at the future, the progression of time. How radical is that?

In the TV series, “Batman Beyond” takes place 40 years after the present day. Bruce Wayne, the original Batman, has long since hung up the cape and cowl and aged into a reclusive old man.

"I like soup." "Shut up, grandpa."

The Gotham City of the future has grown even bigger into an urban techno-sprawl. And crime and gang warfare are just as prominent as ever.

Enter Terry McGinnis, a troubled teenager with a history of being caught up in street gangs and crime. One day when forced to run from gang members (“Jokerz.” In the future the Joker has achieved cult status) who try to attack him and his girlfriend, Terry ends up at the gates of Wayne Manor. With Bruce’s help they manage to fend off the gangsters, but, being an old man, the stress takes its toll on Bruce’s heart. Terry takes the old man back inside the mansion to recuperate… and stumbles upon the Batcave.

Bruce angrily kicks him out, but when Terry returns home and finds his father murdered he decides to “borrow” the most recent (and technologically supped-up) Batsuit and seek justice. Naturally, Bruce is at first opposed, but eventually decides to take Terry under his wing and mentor him into becoming Gotham’s new Dark Knight defender.

FINALLY designed a Batsuit that can fly.

The series pushed further into being darker and edgier than the original “Batman: The Animated Series”, a lot of it having to do with the idea of a dark and slightly dystopian future. It actually tackled a lot of deep issues for a cartoon, such as the trappings of technology, racism, revenge, loyalty, and free will. It was new, strange, and pretty darn good.

One of the show’s biggest highlights actually came in the form of a direct-to-video called “Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker,” which centered around the original Joker resurrecting himself in the future using stolen genetic technology.

Dear Mark Hamill: THANK YOU.

Which was cool enough… but the most mind-blowing moment came in a flashback that showed how the original Joker died in one final confrontation with Batman. I don’t want to give anything away (go find this movie for yourself. Seriously), but this thing was dark. It had to be edited to be appropriate for kids, and then afterwards an unedited Director’s Cut was released. That should give you some idea of how crazy this thing was.

But I loved all of it. The edgier style, the futuristic setting, especially the idea of Batman passing the torch on to a successor… someone who wasn’t a sidekick and brought a different personality to being Batman separate from Bruce’s dark and brooding one. It was a great show to watch simply because of how much depth it brought to the DC Animated Universe. “Batman Beyond” was a cartoon unlike anything that had come before.

And, thanks largely to a devoted fanbase, “Batman Beyond” is an idea that has continued to live on. Not much has been done over the years, mostly just quick cameos in other comics, until last year. In 2010, DC ran a 6-issue “Batman Beyond” miniseries about the further adventures of the Tomorrow Knight as a way to introduce the character into the mainstream comics’ continuity proper.

Even in the future, Tommy Elliot STILL teaches you to never have childhood friends. Ever.

Fan reaction was overwhelmingly positive… which brings us right back up to now. Because of the miniseries’ success, DC has decided to make “Batman Beyond” an ongoing mainstream comic series, starting with issue #1 this Wednesday. Check it out. I know I will. And if you get the chance, check out the “Batman Beyond” cartoon, which you can probably find on DVD.

Well look at that. Maybe this year won’t suck after all. Maybe.

- Natron out

Man, what can you say about the ‘80’s?

No, seriously. I was born in ‘87, so I don’t have any actual memories of anything from the decade. Hell, Transformers have been around longer than I have. The best I can remember is how weird the early ‘90’s were in terms of pop culture and trends, which I assume is a result of ‘80’s style refusing to die. Everything I know about ‘80’s pop culture comes from stuff I’ve seen or read later. It just wasn’t my time.

However, I have spent many a meaningless hour watching old movies and TV shows and listening to music from that very decade. And the more I learn about it, the more I’ve come to form a few definitive truths about what the 1980’s were. As best as I can understand, in the 80’s:

- neon was everywhere

- all music had to have a synthesizer or electronic sound to it

- clothing with clashing colors, styles, or patterns was considered fashionable

- special effects looked about as real as my attempts at Photoshop

- action movies were BADASS

This is fact.

Ladies and gentlemen, Exhibit A.

The reason I bring this up is that about a week or two ago I was hanging out with Adam and we ended up watching a RiffTrax (RiffTrax are awesome) of one of my favorite ‘80’s movies ever: “The Running Man.”

"And I rannn. I ran so far awayyyy..."

I love this movie. It’s one of those that I always watched as a kid whenever mom would work late and dad would let us watch stuff with violence and swearing and ACTION! I love it… but “The Running Man” is 100% complete 80’s cheese. Totally. The music, the effects, the colors, everything. It even stars AH-NOLD, the undisputed king of the 80’s action flick and all-around badassery.

Here’s the story: it’s “the future,” so of course society’s fallen into being controlled by a totalitarian police state where riots happen all the time and the government keeps people in line by distracting them with TV and entertainment. Alright, why is it that society as a whole always seems act like we have ADD?

But whatever. None of that’s really important. The story basically starts with Schwarzenegger as a military pilot named Ben Richards, working a mission and flying a helicopter over L.A. street riots that have broken out.

Insert “Get to the choppa!!” joke here.

"Fuck you, asshole."

Richards is ordered to fire on the (unarmed) crowd but, being the good guy, he of course refuses… and is promptly beaten down by the other three steroid-abusing commandos who have no such reservations about killing indiscriminately.

The people are gunned down, the whole thing is pinned on Richards, and he ends up in a forced labor camp. After being stuck there for a while, Richards stages a break-out with the help of a few other inmates, Laughlin the token black protagonist, and Weiss the token nerd/techie. Turns out that in the future all prisons will be protected by the equivalent of an electric dog fence, which will blow up the inmates but Weiss the token nerd finds a way to hack through. I guess the prison couldn’t afford an actual fence.

Anyways, they escape and Richards decides to lay low at his brother’s apartment for a while, and arrives only to find his brother gone and the apartment now owned by a girl named Amber, or as I like to call her, Whiney McGee, because most of her scenes have her either complaining, screaming, whining, or all three.

Actually, she’s Hispanic, so I’ll call her Whiney Chiquita.

Whiney Chiquita recognizes Richards from the news and freaks, but Richards manages to catch her and tie her to her exercise machine. No, no, he doesn’t do anything to her. But he does decide she’s going to help sneak him onto a plane out of the country and, to ensure her cooperation, demonstrates his badassery by ripping the bolted-down exercise equipment out of the floor, splintered floorboards and all. Damn. I mean, dude, if you can do that I don’t know what’s standing in your way. You are obviously a Terminator.

"I won't hurt you if you just tell me... who is your daddy, and what does he do?"

So Richards and Whiney Chiquita make it to the airport (dressed in their finest tacky ‘80’s casualware), but she of course alerts security and, after a brief chase scene, Richards is caught on the runway and taken to network headquarters. Why? To make him a star! Well, okay, really the network is just looking for new cannon fodder for their most popular show, The Running Man, hosted by (evil corporate douchebag) Damon Killian, played by real-world game show host Richard Dawson. In the show, “runners” try to evade “stalkers” through various death-match areas and, if they win, get the chance to be pardoned and set free.

-cough- Bullshit! –cough-

Killian tricks Richards into competing in The Running Man by threatening to use his two other escapee friends- Laughlin and Weiss- instead. Richards complies and for some reason actually has to sign a release form to play. I don’t know why, seeing as how he’s a known convict, but whatever. He stabs a guy with a pen. Ha-ha! Anyway, as the show begins, Killian reveals that Laughlin and Weiss are being forced to play anyway. And it wouldn’t be an Arnold movie if he didn’t threaten:

"I'll be back."

The trio are sent into the game zone by being shot in rocket sleds down these winding sewer tubes which, while silly and impractical, I think look pretty damn cool. The rest of the movie is them making their way through each of the game zones and (surprise, surprise) actually beating the stalkers! What a shock!

The stalkers are what makes this movie hilarious, too. Being a cheesy game show in a cheesy ‘80’s movie, each one is gimmicky and laughable. You’ve got Subzero, a guy dressed in hockey pads and ice skates wielding a razor hockey stick. He inspires probably the most awesomely bad line in the whole movie when, after Richards kills him, Richards looks to the security cameras and boasts, “Here is Subzero! Now… Plain Zero!”

Wow. Just… wow. I really don’t know who to blame for Schwarzenegger delivering this ridiculous piece of crap. Just… wow.

You facepalm. Arnold rages.

Other stalkers include Buzzsaw, a chainsaw-wielding lumberjack, Fireball, a guy with a jetpack and a flamethrower, and Dynamo, a fat guy who… well, shoots lightning, sings opera, and is dressed in a Lite-Brite.

Coming soon to the SyFy channel.

No, seriously. I don’t know what the hell inspired this guy, and the funny thing is that he’s the stalker that lasts the longest! Everyone else gets killed the first time around but he actually vanishes and shows up in the third act.

Oh, and Jessie Ventura’s there, too. But he just gets pissy when ordered to put on a costume and go fight Schwarzenegger.

Along the way, Laughlin gets killed, Whiney Chiquita is forced into the game after finding out Richards was set up for the massacre, and Weiss, after getting mortally injured (by Dynamo! Seriously, how is this guy able to kill anything other than his lunch?), tells Richards and Whiney Chiquita to find the network’s uplink facility.

Yeah, I probably should have mentioned it earlier, but everyone else forgets about it til the end anyway. Laughlin and Weiss are part of a “resistance” and hope to broadcast Richard’s setup to the world to bring down the TV station. How’d they get film from inside Richard’s helicopter? Why is the resistance operating in the game zone? How will this bring down the government?

Hell if I know. Richards and Whiney Chiquita find the resistance, broadcast the truth, storm the studio where The Running Man is being filmed (and finally kill Dynamo), and Richards gets revenge on Killian by strapping him to a rocket sled and sending him through the tubes to crash into a billboard and explode. Horray! Richards and Whiney Chiquita kiss in front of a neon background while ‘80’s pop music plays. Roll credits.

Great job, everyone! ...Wait, I'm dead already.

Like I said, “The Running Man” is just pure ‘80’s cheese. But I still love it. That’s what makes it fun. The bad one-liners, the effects, the colors, the sheer ridiculousness of the action and the stalkers… everything that makes this movie a silly ‘80’s action flick makes it awesome. I loved watching it as a kid (and still love it) because of how stereotypically cheesy it is. Check it out sometime.

That’s all for today. Now to finish my Christmas shopping…

-Natron out