Because our lives are more interesting than yours.

No.

Seriously, I’m not gonna do it.

I mean it. No.

Not. Gonna. Happen.

…

What, is this supposed to be my “thing” or something? Some little in-joke or gimmick I’m obligated to do every year? Forget it.

…

Oh, what, you think I’m supposed to be all, “Oh, look, it’s Valentine’s Day again! Guess I’ll start talking about something with love and romance! La de da de da!” That’s what you want, isn’t it? That’s what you came here for. After all, I do it every OTHER Valentine’s Day, right? Ooh, maybe I’ll even throw in a joke about how I’m going to drown my sorrows in rum or listen to Evanescence to compliment my own sad isolation (sidenote- love the new album). Is that okay? Does that make you laugh?

Funny? How exactly am I FUNNY to you?

Well forget about it. I’m not doing it this year. Sure, maybe it was funny in the past, but now it’s just become an annoyance. So there. I don’t even care anymore.

You think that, just because I’m a single nerd on Valentine’s Day, I have nothing better to do than spend my time talking about random pop culture? No. Seriously, no. I’m not doing it this time. I’m not your monkey.

Is this all I am to you people?

…

No, seriously. And really, even if I was going to do this for Valentine’s Day, do I even need to? I mean, what the heck could I possibly, possibly say about “The Princess Bride”?

As you wish.

What could I ever talk about that you don’t already know? Honestly, do you really expect me to believe that there are people out there that have never seen “The Princess Bride”? Ever? Please. I don’t even have to say a word and I know that every single one of you is already quoting the damn thing to yourself. “Inconceivable!” “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” Heck, how many of you have tee-shirts that say “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya” on them? Show of hands?

I like mine cuz the lettering's all in cursive.

That’s what I thought.

So, again, I don’t have to say anything, because nothing more needs to be said.

…

Alright, however, if I hypothetically were to say anything about “The Princess Bride” (not that I am, mind you), I’d say that not only is it a good love story, but it’s definitely one of the best movies I know that’s just plain FUN. I can pop in “The Princess Bride” at any time and automatically enjoy it. I love the characters. I love quoting the lines.

"Mawwiage..."

Most of all, though, I love how the movie never takes itself too seriously. I admit, on a technical level, “The Princess Bride” is mediocre at best. The story’s simple, the effects are cheap, and the overall feel of the movie is total cheese. But that’s why I love it. When you see Westley fighting a ridiculous giant rat prop, it looks totally silly but is simultaneously TOTALLY AWESOME. Having a battle of wits with Vizzini as he dizzingly deduces which poisoned cup to drink is absurd but HILARIOUS. The movie knows how silly it looks and just rolls with it, and you can’t help but embrace it and love it.

Plus, Andre the Giant.

You can tell the feel of the movie right from the beginning by how it’s set up: the story of “The Princess Bride,” a tale of romance and adventure, is being read by a grandfather to his sick grandson. It’s a story within a story (insert “Inception” joke here), and that helps make the movie so lovable. If it were just a movie about the fantasy-romance story on its own, it wouldn’t be nearly as engaging with the audience. But by framing it as a story being read, with the constant interruptions and comments of the grandson, we get more humor and wit. We also take a vested interest in the story because, in a way, the grandfather is reading to us, too.

Like the grandson, we see the story unfold. We’re cautious at the beginning as we see a young woman named Buttercup falling in love with a poor farmhand named Westley. Ugh, kissing? Is this a trick? Where’s the action? But it’s not too long before Westley’s kidnapped by pirates, Buttercup’s engaged to a loveless prince and kidnapped by outlaws, and we’re pulled into a story that should be unbelievably cheesy but, somehow, I never fail to enjoy. Any scene is memorable. Any line is quotable.

"This man is only MOSTLY dead."

And in some strange way the action, the romance, and the humor all compliment each other to make for a very solid story. It’s a simple pleasure, but it’s one of the best. I don’t know how else to put it.

Which, again, is why I’m not going to do some sort of special Valentine’s Day post for “The Princess Bride.” Even if I do think it’s a really fun movie and a romance I actually enjoy watching. Forget about it. Not gonna happen. I’m not going to bother writing a single, solitary word for this week’s post, so just walk on. There’s nothing to see here.

...

…

Waaaiiiit…

- Natron out

Having chosen his favorite and least favorite of the Harry Potter books, Nathaniel now casts his vote for the best and the worst of the Harry Potter movies.

Yeah, I can be one of those crazy purists when it comes to books. I believe that in almost every case, the original book will always be better than the movie adaptation.

These don't often blend well.

It just makes sense- books allow the readers to inject their own imaginations and imagery into the narrative the writer provides. With movies based on books, you’re just watching someone else’s interpretation. Yes, you can actually see the story, but it’s never how you personally pictured it would be.

Having said that, I still enjoy the Harry Potter movies. They are an adaptation, but they’re a good adaptation. Plus I think the fact that the movies were being made while the book series was still being written really helped solidify the movies’ cast and settings as being “the real deal.” You could connect the faces and places from the movies with the books while you were reading them.

But out of all of the Harry Potter movies, which one do I hold in the highest regards? And which one, sadly, do I like the least? Here are my picks for the best and worst Harry Potter movies.

Best Harry Potter Movie: “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1” (movie 7)

"And I raaaaan. I ran so far awaaaaaay."

I’m tempted to cheat here and just say I liked “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” as a whole. Can I do that? That counts, right?

No? I have to actually pick a movie? Darn.

I’ve said before that one of the things I like about the Harry Potter film series is that, as it progresses, aspects of the movies like the acting, the effects, and the cinematography do get better. The early ones, like “Sorcerer’s Stone” or “Chamber of Secrets,” are fun to watch in a lighthearted kid-friendly way, but there’s a lot that can be improved on.

The early movies are full of charm.

But by the end of the series I was blown away by how well-done both halves of “Deathly Hallows” were when I first saw them. Together, both parts of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” stand out as being, I think, the best of the series, with great acting from all of the main cast showing a wide emotional range, superb settings and special effects that look both magical and realistic, and beautiful cinematography capable of communicating to the audience just as much as the characters do. These aren’t just good Harry Potter movies, these are good movies.

But I can only pick one. To me, part 1 of “Deathly Hallows” wins out because of how different a movie it is than the rest of the series. This isn’t a movie about another year at Hogwarts with Harry and friends, this is a movie about Harry, Ron, and Hermione on the run and isolated. This is a character-driven movie, pretty much just centered on those three leads. Not that I don’t like the other movies and the magical goings-on around Hogwarts, but I get the most emotional depth from “Deathly Hallows part 1” because it lets us focus on our three heroes. I admit, the movie can feel a little slow at times, but I appreciate it because, in doing so, it lets us connect with the people more.

Apart from that, I also like “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1” because of how visually beautiful it is. Say what you will about how cool and enchanting Hogwarts can be, this movie stands out because we get a plethora of different, beautiful locations. Some of my favorite parts of “Deathly Hallows part 1” are the montage scenes where you see Harry, Ron, and Hermione traveling to different places around the U.K.

It's good to get out of the house every once in a while.

The Forest of Dean, the White Cliffs of Dover… we see Harry’s plight played out in more than just sitting around at Hogwarts. I think that both emotionally and visually, “Deathly Hallows part 1” provides some of the richest moments in the series. And that makes it my personal favorite.

And now comes the hard part…

Worst Harry Potter Movie: “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” (movie 3)

"Harry Potter and the Unfortunate Let-Down"

Now this one just makes me sad. Like I said last time, “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” definitely ranks as my favorite book of the series. So it really pains me to find “Prisoner of Azkaban” here as my least favorite movie.

What went wrong? Story-wise, I think the movie holds up well enough. And I think the acting’s a bit improved from the first two movies. They’re not the problem. The reason I don’t like this “Prisoner of Azkaban,” no matter how many times I watch it, is its cinematography. Compared to the rest of the series, I don’t like the way this one feels, the atmosphere or the directing style.

It’s kind of hard to explain. The first two Harry Potter movies, “Sorcerer’s Stone” and “Chamber of Secrets,” were both directed by Christopher Columbus and helped establish the movie series’ style for Hogwarts and Harry’s magical world. They established the artistic theme for the movies- what the castle, characters, design, effects, and even the film style of the movies felt like.

And while Chris Columbus stuck around to help produce “Prisoner of Azkaban,” directing duties were given to Mexican director Alfonso Cuaron.

"Trust me, it'll look good in post."

And Cuaron… changed things. I’m sure every director wants to make their movies feel like their own, but there were a lot of stylistic changes done with “Prisoner of Azkaban” that I didn’t like, nor do I think they fit well with the style of the series as a whole.

Maybe it’s just me, but there were a lot of things that took me out of the movie. Like the scene with Aunt Marge being reduced to slapstick, or the bizarre inclusion of talking shrunken heads in several spots in the movie.

What are you DOING here?

Or the puppet Monster Book of Monsters, the frog choir during the opening feast at Hogwarts, and the inclusion of a regular, nonmagical record player playing big band dance tunes. That in particular just felt really out-of-place in Harry’s magical world.

Not to mention the fact that this movie changed the locations for many places around Hogwarts, which really just left me confused as to where everything was. And as far as Michael Gambon being the new Dumbledore, yes, Richard Harris tragically died, but Gambon plays such a different Dumbledore it almost felt like he was a completely alien character. Story-wise, there’s no connection made between the Marauders’ Map and Harry’s father and a lot of important backstory about the Marauders is left out. Cinematically, there’s also way too many scenes that fade to black, which I understand kind of works with the dementors but after a while it just felt forced.

Bottom like, in my opinion “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” changed too much unnecessarily and left me feeling out-of-place. Every movie and every new director made changes to the Harry Potter universe, but this was the first and, in my opinion, the most jarring. Maybe I’m just nitpicking; I don’t know. But for as much I liked “Prisoner of Azkaban” as a book, the movie let me down. Decide for yourselves, but those are my picks for the best and worst of the Harry Potter movies.

- Natron out

I’ll admit, as much as I (allegedly) hate the beach, coming back from vacation only to have to step back into the daily grind again sucks more.

"I'll set this place on fire..."

I may not be going back to school, and most of my friends will still be around to hang out with anyway, but this still feels like the end of summer…

…

Heck with it. We’ve still got a little vacation left, so I’ve decided to wrap up my summer by getting in a few last words on one of my summer highlights: seeing “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2.” I don’t have much else to say about the movie itself, but it was a great night spent with friends and now that I’ve seen it, yeah, I’m still a little sad that it’s over. I loved the series, the books and the movies. It was a part of my life for over 10 years, after all. It was a cultural phenomenon.

Gahhh!! Go away! Go away! WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!?

I meant a GOOD cultural phenomenon! Get lost, “Twilight.”

Anyways, something that important needs some closure. And now that the movies are all said and done, I thought this week would be a good time to look back on all that’s been and point out my favorites. Which of the Harry Potter books and movies are my favorites? And which do I like the least? This is completely opinion-based, based on personal preference instead of any statistical fact. I’m going to split this into two articles, with the movies in part two, but for now let’s look at what I consider the best and the worst Harry Potter books…

Best Harry Potter Book: “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” (book 3)

After saving up enough gold, Harry could finally afford his own flying mount.

Figures. The first choice I have to make is probably the hardest one to decide. Can’t I just say that I like them all for their own reasons? But I suppose, if I had to choose, “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” wins out. This is the one that I love the most. Explaining why, however, can be a little complex.

At its most basic, I like “Prisoner of Azkaban” because it’s the last of the more “innocent” years at Hogwarts. I first started reading Harry Potter when my grandma, who worked at a Borders bookstore, bought me a box set of the first three books. So they hold a special place in my heart for being “the first,” and together I think books 1-3 are the ones that introduced readers to a hidden world of magic and adventure.

"Come with me... and you'll be... in a world of pure imagination..."

I see the next book in the series, “Goblet of Fire” as the turning point of the whole series, when evil Lord Voldemort returned and everything got serious. Suddenly what started out as a simple story of a whimsical, magic world grew up and started dealing with issues of death, war, and corruption. It was an important change, but I still love the lighthearted magical world more, where whimsical things happened at random and the fate of the world wasn’t at stake. If I remember correctly, “Prisoner of Azkaban” is the one book in the series where Voldemort doesn’t appear at all. It has its darker, scarier moments, such as the spectral dementors or the ominous Sirius Black, but “Prisoner of Azkaban” was the last of the simpler, lighter adventures of Harry Potter.

The other major reason I really love the third book is because it has time travel. The climax of “Prisoner of Azkaban” involves Harry and Hermione going back in time to change events and help themselves, all while making sure not to be seen or disrupt the timeline. You get to see events happen twice from different perspectives. And that’s just awesome. Nevermind that it’s totally inconceivable that they’d let schoolkids time-travel, or that it’s never used again in the series, it’s just fun.

Yeah, my thoughts went here, too.

One of my favorite moments in the book comes when Harry finally grasps that they’ve actually managed to go back in time and simply states, “This is the weirdest thing we’ve ever done.”

Aside from that, “Prisoner of Azkaban” just has a lot of memorable scenes and things that I like. The Marauders’ Map, the boggart, Hogemeade, winning the Quidditch Cup, Buckbeak, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin… “Prisoner of Azkaban” is full of some of the best moments in the series.

And now…

Worst Harry Potter Book: “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” (book 5)

For some reason, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Unicorn Faeries" just didn't sound right.

This one is a little easier to decide. While I don’t consider any of the books bad, “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” is the one I probably like the least. And if I had to say why, I think it’s because I see this one as being, essentially, filler.

“Order of the Phoenix” is one of the longest books in the series, but it didn’t have to be. The previous book, “Goblet of Fire,” was also very lengthy, but there was a lot of plot crammed into it. “Goblet of Fire” had the Quidditch World Cup, the Triwizard Tournament, a fallout between Harry and Ron, the first task, the Yule Ball, the second task, the third task, Voldemort returning, Harry and Voldemort’s Duel, and the reveal of Barty Krouch Jr. That’s a lot.

And this happened.

“Order of the Phoenix” is also very long… but there’s just not enough plot to fill the pages. For me, the book boils down to just two memorable things: the vile Dolores Umbridge and the climactic fight at the Ministry of Magic. The introduction of Professor Umbridge is enjoyable, as she’s a revolting, mean-spirited person easy to hate, but she doesn’t make the story. She’s more of a self-important side character.

She is every mean teacher you've ever had.

Really, the entirety of the plot of “Order of the Phoenix” comes down to Harry piecing together that Voldemort wants to break into a room in the Ministry of Magic and finally confronting him there at the end of the schoolyear. That’s it. The whole plot of the book can be summed up in, “Voldemort wants to open a door.”

The other thing that upsets me with “Order of the Phoenix” (and, in a similar way, “The Half-Blood Prince”) is how a lot of the problems Harry ends up facing could easily be avoided if Dumbledore just TOLD HIM WHAT WAS GOING ON. Information about the mysterious “prophecy,” Harry’s premonitions, the fact that Voldemort is able to manipulate Harry’s thoughts, the Horcruxes… If someone had actually told Harry what was going on instead of keeping things from him “for his own safety,” maybe he could have made an intelligent decision that didn’t put the lives of his friends at risk. I bet Sirius might have lived longer, anyway…

If he can make fun of it, that makes it okay, right?

Beyond that, the book’s just a lot of filler. We get some political allegory with the way the Ministry of Magic tries to interfere with the school, but that’s not the main plot, either. The teen romance, Professor Umbridge, Hagrid’s giant half-brother… it all just feels like extra stuff to pad out a book that didn’t need to be. I consider it the low point of the series.

But enough of that. Now it’s time to look at the movies…

(to be continued)

- Natron out

Okay, so last week I went out and saw the new Harry Potter movie and…

You know, an interesting thought has just occurred to me as I sit here writing this: nothing I’m about to say matters at all.

Harry Potter and the Epic Stare-Down

No, seriously. I mean, I’ll admit I’m probably no one’s authority on movies… but even if I were, nothing I say here is going to change anyone’s mind in the slightest about watching the latest (and last) Harry Potter movie, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2.”

Think about it: if you’re a fan of Harry Potter, you’re definitely going to see this movie. Hell, you’ve probably already seen it. Twice. And if you’re not a fan, it’s not like you’re going to change your mind now. If you want to get into a series, try not to do it with the last movie.

So yeah, really I could say anything here and it wouldn’t matter in the slightest. Every one of you has already made up your minds on “Deathly Hallows part 2.”

Having said that, I can now tell you all that I really, really liked this movie.

This is what an epic movie should feel like. It was grand. It was powerful. It was poignant. The acting, the effects, the cinematography… all were at the series’ best. And they all should have been. This was the capstone, the culmination of ten years of movies (and even longer with the books) that fans have been waiting for.

And I think “Deathly Hallows” delivers. The story itself really builds to being the climax of the whole Harry Potter series- Harry and evil wizard Voldemort prepare to face off one last time with the fate of the wizarding world in the balance. Voldemort now has the Elder Wand, the fabled “most powerful wand in the world” and one of three artifacts known as the Deathly Hallows,

"All your magicks are belong to ME!!!"

while Harry has been hunting down and destroying pieces of Voldemort’s soul with friends Ron and Hermione.

Killing Voldemort one trinket at a time.

“Deathly Hallows part 2” is all about this one final showdown. The end of the story…

This was a genuinely fun and enjoyable movie for me, both as a Harry Potter fan and just as someone who likes watching movies. As a fan, it was nice to see everything come together in a great finale. Looking back over the series, it’s just really cool to see how everything’s changed and grown over the years, the different styles of the directors, and to see how each of the actors have improved so much as their characters.

A far cry from the little kids with pointy hats in year one.

Cinematically, it was nice to see how beautifully everything was filmed. The visuals and effects were incredible (my personal favorite being the statue soldiers and the shield around Hogwarts), the scenes were well-shot, and the story and acting flowed really well. You had epic action but also poignant, quieter moments when the characters had a chance to show their thoughts and doubts. Compared to “Transformers: Dark of the Moon,” the other movie I got really excited for this summer, “Deathly Hallows” actually delivered. There was no pointless comic relief, no senseless plot detours, and no cheap, one-note characters. “Deathly Hallows” in a genuinely good movie.

"Huzzah."

Not that I liked everything. But most of my complaints are nitpicking, anyway. Yeah, the book had Neville killing the snake differently, and the nature of the Hallows and the Horcruxes weren’t 100% explained, and I kinda thought Voldemort was a little too hammy at times… But really, these are just minor details in an otherwise great film to watch. Some people have said the epilogue was superfluous, but I loved it. It helped to bring everything around to the style and atmosphere of the first movie again. If anything, the only thing I really didn’t like was having to wait for everything at the beginning of the movie to build up to the epic battle scene. But it was still totally worth it.

Bottom line, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2” delivers a worthy conclusion to an already fantastic series and is definitely worth checking out. And now that it’s over, my world already feels a little less magical knowing this was the end.

… Until I read/watch them all over again.

The magical world of my DVD player.

-Natron out