EDITOR’S NOTE: Nathaniel Rose is a professional survivor expert, trained to handle real(ish) survival situations. Professional advice should always be sought before entering any dangerous environment.

Ugh.

Man, that was rough…

Guys, there are a lot of people out there who get really excited for summer vacation. They can’t wait to go out with family or friends and spend a week or so out under a bright sun and sip cool island drinks on a golden stretch of coast next to gently crashing waves. For many people, going to the beach is a trip to some kind of paradise.

I just love all the waves and sand and... waves... and sand...

I AM NOT ONE OF THESE PEOPLE.

Maybe I’m just weird, or paranoid, or maybe I just don’t get it, but whatever the reason every year I LOATHE the annual trip my family takes over to the Atlantic for a week at the beach. I hate it.

And yet I go every year. Mostly out of obligation, since even though I hate the beach I still want to spend time with my family. I don’t hate them, I just hate that every time we end up going to the beach.

I can’t stand the place. And not many people understand why. I think a lot of people just don’t get how I see the place. You might see the beach as a relaxing vacation destination. But all I can see are cheap tourist traps built over a barren wasteland.

Heck, a zombie outbreak would probably only make things more INTERESTING.

Really. Think about it. No matter what beach you go to, it’s the same thing. There’s a bunch of cheap hotels, the same five surf and tee-shirt stores over and over, way too many loud, annoying people, and an ocean full of poisonous water next to an endless horizon of SAND.

I HATE SAND. And when you get down to it, that’s all the beach is: just one big f*cking desert full of it. I HATE it. The beach isn’t some shiny, happy paradise. It’s nothingness. It’s a wasteland. It’s a barren, sand-filled oblivion.

This is essentially what we're dealing with here, people.

I only just got back. I’m lucky to have survived in one piece.

Now, I could keep on bitching, but instead I thought I’d use my own misfortunes as a way to help YOU, the people, learn some necessary survival skills in yet another dangerous situation. Which means it’s time for another:

Nathaniel Rose’s SURVIVAL GUIDE to Totally Real Situations!!!

It’s been a while, but this one’s worth the wait. You see, while we’ve covered zombie outbreak and freak superpowers before, this time I want to educate you on something just as dangerous as any of that: my own purgatory, the beach.

You see, aside from just being a SOUL-CRUSHING HELLHOLE, you might not realize that the beach can also be very life-threatening. It’s true. Danger may lurk around every dune, under every wave. So if you ever find yourself stuck there and you want to survive intact, you’re going to need a few helpful tips. So here goes…

The Situation:

You’re hanging out in your room, reading a good book, generally minding your own business and not doing anything that would deserve a week-long torture. Suddenly, your mother barges in and asks why you haven’t packed your suitcase yet. When you confusedly ask why, she says that tomorrow you’re going on a family vacation down to the seashore! Huzzah!

That’s what she thinks, anyway. Terror grips your heart… And before you can even blink, suddenly it’s 4:00 the next day and you’re already driving up to the beachhouse.

"Damn, this is gonna suc- Ooh! A hot tub!"

At that exact moment, WHAT DO YOU DO???

Parameters:

- It doesn’t matter what beach you go to. This survival guide is for general purpose wherever you are. Suffice to say that you’re stuck on a sand-covered shoreline next to some part of the ocean.

- No matter where, every beach is GUARENTEED to be fraught with danger. Really, it is. A golden shore where you can soak up the sunlight and waste the day away is a fairy-tale. Such a place does not exist.

- You cannot just take your family’s keys and drive home without them. Even if you really want to. And even if it’d be really easy. Eventually, they’ll find their way home too, and will be mad as hell. Unfortunately, you’re stuck here.

- You can’t just kill your family, either. Dude, that is just sick, twisted, and wrong… What the hell’s the matter with you? Geez… I mean, even though they did take you to the beach… No, just DON’T DO IT.

The Solution:

Probably the most important thing to remember when you find yourself deserted on a godforsaken beach is to ALWAYS keep your guard up. Danger could be everywhere, so always be waiting for it. Everything about the beach is meant to trick you into a false sense of security and enjoyment, but don’t fall for it! The gift shops, the boardwalk, the stores everywhere that sell kites and cheesy tee-shirts…

You know, the ones that are f*cking EVERYWHERE.

All of these are meant to lower your defenses and make you think that maybe the beach isn’t so bad after all. Don’t be fooled! Never relax, never try to “kick back and enjoy yourself” like your parents keep telling you to. Constant vigilance!

Also, when going to the beach, avoid the sand AT ALL COSTS! I know this may seem like a tall order, since sand is everywhere, but that’s my point: it’s EVERYWHERE. The moment you set foot in it, sand will try to consume you. It will get in your shorts, under your fingernails, behind your ears, up your nose, in your food, under your blankets, in your hair, everywhere!!! Sand is a living, thriving MONSTER that survives by pulling people down into itself. Never, EVER give it that chance. As much as you can, keep sand away from you, lest it consume you.

Just your average beach vacationer.

For that matter, watch out for the ocean, too. No, not because it’s a living monster like the sand. Rather, because it is the home of many, many other monsters… All sorts of slimy, stingy, spiky, and generally creepy beasties lurk below the surface. Everyone knows sharks are godless killing machines (I believe “Jaws” was based on a true story). And every once in a while there’s always the chance that some kraken may come by just to suck your face off. Sure, you can take a bogey board out and ride a few waves, but once you can’t see under the surface, all bets are off. The ocean may be just as dangerous as the beach itself.

However, though it may seem like there’s no way out of this one, there is hope. There is a way to make surviving the beach a bit easier: become a pirate.

"Llllladies..."

Yeah, a pirate. What makes pirates so special? Against every other type of person out there, it seems that pirates are the only ones capable of actually thriving on coastal beaches. While other people would be swallowed up by sand or attacked by the kraken, pirates somehow stay alive.

Maybe it’s cuz they’re just so drunk all the time. Maybe it’s because they’re really cursed and undead.

... Or both.

But whatever the reason, pirates somehow exist along the shores, so try becoming one yourself. And who knows? You may like it (with the exceptions of poor pay, dysentery, scurvy, peg legs, hook hands, terrible hygiene, hardtack, zero medical care, and being branded an outlaw by any and every civilized nation).

Beyond that, there’s still the minor dangers of heat stroke, drinking salt water, or being attacked by crab monsters, but hopefully you won’t have to worry about those. As it is, you’ve got the basics down to surviving a week in the most inhospitable environment imaginable: the beach.

An endless, sandy oblivion...

Well, that’s about as good as I can prepare you. I hope this has helped teach you how to survive the nightmare that is a beach vacation. Stuff like superpowers may only happen with a lucky few, but almost everyone is in danger of a trip to the beach. And now hopefully you realize just how terrifying it can really be. Feel free to post responses or any additional tips I’ve overlooked. Until then, I’ll see you when we discuss our next totally real situation.

- Natron out