TwistedEncore

Continuing from Part I, Nathaniel sat down to watch “Superman II,” hoping against hope that it wouldn’t be as bad as he knew it was going to be.

Superman II: The Search for More Money

…

(After watching “Superman II”)

One of my favorite internet reviewers, The Spoony One, once said that, when it comes to movie sequels, even bad ones are guaranteed to make money:

“When a movie becomes a hit, the sequel is a slapdash, hastily-assembled clone with worse actors, more cartoonish violence, and far less money. The rationale behind this is with a sequel, you already have a built-in audience who are going to see it no matter what. The tickets are already sold. So all you need to do is to make it as cheaply as humanly possible.”

Case in point: “Superman II.”

I’m definitely not saying the first “Superman” was a great movie (just check out the first half of this review), but low and behold “Superman II” makes itself a worse movie in comparison by lowering its standards in every possible way. The story is worse. The special effects are worse. The action is more cartoonish. And surprise, surprise, Clark Kent is more of a bumbling idiot and Lex Luthor is more gratingly annoying. Bravo, “Superman II.” Bravo.

But I guess in a way it’s kind of tragic, because “Superman II” was destined to fail even from the start. There’s a lot of behind-the-scenes that went wrong which most people don’t even know about. I myself only know a little.

Here’s what I do know: originally, Richard Donner, the director,

tried to film both “Superman” and “Superman II” at the same time, counting on the first movie to be such a success that a sequel was inevitable. So he did… until he went so far over budget and time that the producers pretty much told Donner to wrap up making the first movie and be done. “Superman” was released, became a big hit, and right away the studio was asking for the sequel.

But because of the budget issues, as well as creative differences, the producers fired Donner and brought in director Richard Lester to finish filming “Superman II.” Donner had roughly 75% of the movie filmed before he was replaced. The new director, Lester, added scenes that made the sequel campier, cornier, and more cartoonish than what Donner originally wanted.

In other words, Lester just made the movie suck more. Again, I don’t really know all the behind-the-scenes stuff. But it’s easy to see the end result.

The plot is pretty simple. An explosion in space causes the barriers of the extra-dimensional “Phantom Zone” to break, releasing the imprisoned evil General Zod and his minions near Earth. Discovering that Earth’s yellow sun gives them godlike power, they set out to conquer the planet.

Meanwhile, Clark Kent accidentally reveals his identity as Superman to Lois Lane, only for them to realize that they love each other. But Superman finds himself torn between being with the woman he loves or being Earth’s protector. In the end, Superman decides he can’t abandon his duty, fights Zod, and saves the day. Not too shabby. And if one were to go by the basic outline, “Superman II” sounds like it could be a good movie.

But it’s not. Good lord it’s not.

What makes “Superman II” such a bad movie isn’t any one specific thing. There’s no god-awful climactic moment where Superman reverses time. Lex Luthor is still as irritating as ever, but in this movie he’s only a side character. No, this time around, the movie suffers from all the little minor problems that pile up on top of each other. It’s insidious; you can overlook a moment when the effects look cheap or they make a joke about how the glasses barely hide Superman’s identity (oh hilarity!). On their own, each individual problem isn’t worth caring about. But they just keep adding up, over and over, throughout the whole movie.

In almost every scene, there’s just some little something that irritates me. And they don’t. Let. Up! The nuclear blast that opens the Phantom Zone looks like it was drawn with crayon. How does a nuclear blast in space open the Phantom Zone, anyway? Why do Lois and Clark go to Niagara Falls just to cover a story on hotel scams? Why would Lois suicidally throw herself into the river even if she’s trying to trick Clark into revealing he’s Superman? Scenes with Zod in space clearly look like they were shot in a sound studio. And when Zod arrives on Earth, he and his minions display powers never seen before or since from any Kryptonian. How does Zod levitate a guy just by pointing at him? How the f*ck does Lex Luthor manage to break out of jail IN A WEATHER BALLOON? How does he find Superman’s Fortress of Solitude, and when he actually gets there, why doesn’t he really do anything? Why does Clark decide to make himself human in order to be with Lois? Aside from likely problems during sex, I’d like to think he’s capable enough of controlling himself physically around her. Why would the Fortress even have a room that turns you human?

Why do Zod and his minions waste their time attacking an obvious hicktown in the middle of Nowhere, Idaho? And why does the U.S. government show no concern over this blatant superhuman threat, sending nothing more than a handful of soldiers, a few tanks, and one helicopter to fight Zod? No wonder he’s able to just walk into the White House and take control of the country. And again, why doesn’t anyone have any kryptonite or something? The scene where Zod conquers the White House is only made worse when Lex Luthor shows up, out of nowhere, and tries to butter up to Zod. And I swear, if he uses the phrase, “greatest criminal mastermind of the modern age” one more time, I’m going to straight-up murder someone.

The big climactic fight scene is fakey and cartoonish, with the villains using their powers to… stomp Superman into the ground like Daffy Duck. They also use their powerful super-breath to… blow toupees off bald people and make skaters trip over their own rollerskates. Aren’t these guys supposed to be battle-hardened soldiers? Why do they follow Superman to his Fortress when it’s so obviously a trap? How in the hell does Superman throw that plastic-wrap S-shield from out of nowhere?

How does he rig the Fortress to take away Zod’s powers when Zod’s outside of the room that takes away powers? Do Zod and his minions just fall to their deaths? I’m glad we never see Lex again, but what happened to him? And how in the hell does Superman erase Lois’s memories BY KISSING HER??

What? How? Why?? I don’t understand. NOTHING MAKES SENSE. There’s a difference in fiction between worlds that follow different rules than our own and worlds that DON’T EVEN FOLLOW THEIR OWN RULES. Every single moment in this movie makes me question its own logic and continuity, with events happening randomly at the whim of the convoluted plot. This movie sucks.

Ugh. I thought I could go into this one and give it a fair chance, write up a proper review and say how it’s not as bad as I remember. But it is that bad. The first “Superman” movie may have had its good moments that ultimately were tarnished by the bad, but in “Superman II” every single scene is marred by minor problems that just keep adding up like ants on a plate of food. That’s what “Superman II” feels like.

I’m gonna go take a shower. And I’m definitely going to wait a very long time before I even consider talking about another Superman movie. After seeing what are considered the “good” ones, my first instinct is to take the DVD’s of the other ones out into a field and beat them with a baseball bat, “Office Space”-style.

-Natron out