TwistedEncore

Yeah, you read that right.

If you’re a regular reader on this site (and I’m speaking to all four of you), then you already know that I totally love “Smallville.” Buuutttt you also know that, outside of “Smallville,” I absolutely hate any and every other Superman movie/TV show there is. All of them.

"I beg your pardon?"

Okay, okay. Except for the animated series. Dini and Timm be praised.

But with “Smallville” winding down (only three episodes left!), perhaps I’ve been feeling a little… reflective lately. Perhaps I’ve been taking a good look at myself and how I feel towards those other incarnations of Superman. It’s been a while; are they really as bad as I remember?

Whatever the reason, I thought this week I’d try something special and sit down and watch the first two “Superman” movies. Call it a “science fiction double feature,” if you will. Now “Superman III” and “Superman IV” are renowned for being infamously bad movies, but for some reason everybody seems to like the first two. So for this review, all I’m going to do is watch “Superman” and “Superman II” back-to-back and afterwards just give my opinions on each. Simple. And maybe in doing so I’ll find that my opinions have changed. Who knows? This sounds promising. Let’s get started…

…

(After watching “Superman”)

What could be worse than a movie I truly hate? How about a movie that I really want to like, but I just can’t. That’s what the first “Superman” movie is to me. I just got done watching it, and I’ll admit there is a lot of stuff I like about it. But there are also a lot of flaws I just can’t get past.

I guess I should talk about the positives first. Right from the intro the movie draws you in, with the opening credits flying off the screen as you hurtle through space. The John Williams score is uplifting, and the mood is set; I want to watch this movie.

And it starts off great. I truly love all of the backstory we get on the planet Krypton. We see Superman’s father, Jor-El (played by… Marlon Brando? Talk about star power) trying to warn everyone that the planet’s going to blow, only to have his pleas fall on deaf ears.

We see Jor-El and his wife, Lara, as they make the sad resolution to send their baby away rather than have him die in the coming disaster. We even get some sequel setup as we see the evil General Zod being banished to the “Phantom Zone.” All of which is made even better by incredibly well-done set design and special effects. They went through a lot of effort to make Krypton seem like a real place, alien and coldly crystalline. The scenes on Krypton are really well done.

And from there the story pretty much follows the basic Superman mythos: Krypton blows up and baby Kal-El is sent hurtling through space… only to land in Kansas, be raised by the Kents, and grow up to live in Metropolis and become Superman. It’s the classic Superman backstory, but its nice to see it played out on-screen.

There are a few annoying moments, though. Like when the Kents first find the alien toddler in a crater in the field. There’s no freakout, no reaction, no “Holy crap, that baby just fell out of the sky!!!” They just roll with it. Weird…

Comparisons to “Smallville” are inevitable in this part, but the movie does a pretty good job. You see Clark showing off with his powers and questioning what he’s supposed to do with his life. And the creation of the Fortress of Solitude is very cool effect. But again this leads to another weird moment when, during Clark’s training in the Fortress, the A.I. recording of Jor-El warns Clark that he is “forbidden to interfere with human history.” What? Why? And how can he not, when he’s training to become SUPERMAN. That doesn’t make sense to me. But it doesn’t take me out of the mood. I’m still enjoying the movie so far.

The point where I start having problems is when we first get to Metropolis. As the movie came out in 1978, it tends to follow the “classic” portrayals of its characters. Which means the movie has Clark Kent acting as the prototypical bumbling “mild-mannered” reporter. But to me that’s always been really annoying. I get it: it’s his disguise, that’s what he’s trying to do. I just don’t agree with it. To me, being such a spineless mild-mannered wimp only draws more attention to yourself, plus makes for a pretty lousy double-identity. He’s just trying too hard to act as weak as possible.

Now, the romance with Lois is nice (mostly. “I like pink very much” made me gag a little), the hero montage is nice, but just seeing Clark act like a wimp gets irritating. Personally, I like how Clark Kent has been portrayed in recent years, as more of a regular person. He can be quiet but also assertive and energetic, just like any unassuming regular guy. Clark Kent can be “human” without being annoying.

But whatever. I can live with the bumbling Clark Kent. What I can’t stand is the one-dimensional cardboard cutout that is Lex Luthor.

This is what draws the movie down for me.This guy makes no sense. He’s obviously filthy rich but for some reason wants to commit crimes to make money. He hires the most gratingly inept henchmen. And he has no personality other than gloating over how evil he is, constantly calling himself the “greatest criminal mastermind of the modern age” like he’s Snidley F*cking Whiplash or something. He even monologues. Constantly. Who does that? Why? I DON’T UNDERSTAND… And Gene Hackman’s acting doesn’t help, playing his character purely for laughs and cartoonish cheese. I can’t stand this guy.

Which, I suppose, brings us to the part I hate the most: the big dumb ending. Lex wants to blow up land to gain property value (what?). He subdues Superman with kryptonite but doesn’t kill him (dumbass). Superman escapes (duh) and saves the day… except Lois dies (unexpected!). And then… Then…

Then Superman flies off in a fit of rage and SPINS THE EARTH BACKWARDS TO REVERSE TIME.

WHAT. THE. F@$&?!?!?

Gaahhh! It’s so stupid! It makes no sense! This one act brings the movie from “tolerable” to “crap.” How did they get away with this? I can’t stand it! This SHOULD NOT HAPPEN.

Arghhhhhh…

Well, I guess that’s all I have to say about that. “Superman” is a movie that started out with so much promise only to be brought down by a cartoonish, ineffectual villain and the worst plot resolution this side of “it was all a dream.” Will the sequel be any better? Probably not. Let’s watch it.

…

(to be continued)

-Natron out