TwistedEncore

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nathaniel Rose is a professional survivor expert, trained to handle real(ish) survival situations. Professional advice should always be sought before entering any dangerous environment.

Okay, so as of right now I’m currently stuck in the worst part of the semester: that final month when teachers decide they’re going to dump all sorts of crap on you because, hey, who wouldn’t love to write a 10-page essay on the progression of the human perspective from a natural to a more artificial worldview, making sure to carefully select and document multiple sources. M’riiiiight?

Urge to kill... rising...

I’m sure I’m gonna snap. It’s just a matter of time.

It doesn’t help that there’s nothing really going on right now. I don’t even have “Smallville” to distract me from work; new episodes don’t start for another few weeks. Crap. However, I did think of something that may help me fill the void. I may not have “Smallville” to watch, but I can always talk about superhero stuff. And after many months, I think it’s high time for another:

Nathaniel Rose’s SURVIVAL GUIDE to Totally Real Situation!!!

I brought all of you up to speed on zombie survival last time, but now we’re going to take things in a different direction. As you all know, being a stereotypical nerd, I love superheroes. Well, most of the time, anyway… Some time in the future I’ll probably rant on how I feel about “Spider-Man 3” or the Fantastic Four. It won’t be pretty.

Smirk while you can, Emo Peter. Smirk while you can...

But while I’m stuck in this funk right now I always end up thinking how much easier life would be if I were a superhero. Oh sure, you’d have to save people and rescue cats every once in a while. But I bet a lot of the time it’d be pretty awesome. You could fly! Or move faster than people could see you. Or be really strong. I even once had an interesting conversation with Matt about how he’d burn the world to the ground if he could (and it was creep-y). Anyways, this week let’s look at how to survive superpowers!

Force lightning!! What? Force lightning is totally a superpower.

The Situation:

For some unknown reason, you and your buddies are keeping it real at the science lab, doing research, conducting experiments, and, um… I don’t know, science stuff (insert technobabble here). While you’re pushing buttons and mixing chemicals, something goes wrong and your lab experiment explodes, bathing you in hazardous chemicals and radiation.

Because science works this way.

Miraculously, you come out okay and it seems like nothing bad happened to you. But later that day, you begin to feel strange and queasy. You know exactly what’s happened!

No, no, it’s not cancer… Thank God. Lucked out on that one… No, you’ve gotten superpowers! At that exact moment, WHAT DO YOU DO???

Parameters:

- What your superpower is isn’t really important. You could be able to stop bullets, create fire, or fly, but it doesn’t really matter. These are general survival tips that work for any superpower.

- Your superpower is PERMANENT. You don’t need to keep taking super-serum or refill your web-launcher to keep it working. You may exhaust yourself, but your power is always there.

- You can’t choose your power. Lab accidents are, well, accidents. Let’s just say that it isn’t totally lame and it won’t kill you.

I said a power that ISN'T totally lame.

The Solution:

First thing’s first: LEARN SOME CONTROL. It doesn’t do you any good if you have a superpower but can’t use it right. If you can walk through walls, make sure you don’t fall through the floor with every step. If you have heat vision, learn how to dim it so you don’t accidentally burn your best friend’s face off. Practice a little.

"Holy crap! I, um... I can fix this..."

Take some classes (community colleges offer stuff like that, right?). Spend some time getting used to your new abilities so you know how to use them. Don’t do yoga (tai chi is acceptable).

And while you’re busy mastering your newfound “skillz,” DON’T SHOW OFF!! Oh sure, you might want to, but really, don’t go around bragging to everyone you see that you’re superhuman. Why? Because other people suck. Little old ladies will be hounding you to get their cats out of trees. Nerdy guys will want your autographs and ask if they can be your “sidekick.” Blah, blah blah. And the government? Trust me; just don’t even go there. You’ll either wind up on an operating table or coerced into being a secret weapon for the military.

Even the nice government agents are jerks... because THEY'RE STILL GOVERNMENT AGENTS.

For now, the best thing to do is lay low. From everyone. Don’t even tell your BFFs if you can help it. It’ll end up all over the Twitterbooks and the Faceypages.

But don’t worry, now comes the fun stuff. After you’ve learned to control your powers, exploit them for all they’re worth. Totally serious here. If no one else knows you have superpowers, use them to get away with WHATEVER YOU WANT. Steal some stuff. Get revenge on that jackass that messed with you in the past. They won’t see it coming. So go ahead! Now, some of you are probably asking yourselves, “Is this ethical?” And to that I’d have to argue: who cares? You’ve unstoppable! You have the power, so go on, indulge a little.

Or this could happen...

Eventually, though, you just might get bored with robbing people blind. Eventually. When that happens, it’s time to go big. Create a super-identity that you can use whenever you want to use your powers in public. Pick a name. Make a costume. As long as they don’t totally suck, go nuts.

No, just... Damn it, no. Just stop, Brandon Routh. Just stop.

However, make sure that your new identity can in NO WAY be connected to who you really are. That way, you can use your powers and still lead a normal life when you want to. Dual identities can be fun!

Hopefully at this point you’re well on your way to surviving a life with superpowers. Maybe you’ll be some big superhero, rescuing people and never having to pay your taxes. Or maybe you’ll want to be a supervillian. I mean, screw helping people. Being a jerk is way more fun. You’ll be feared and hated, but I say it’s worth it.

Being evil sometimes just puts a smile on your face.

Either way, now you know what it takes to survive.

So there you have it. Spontaneously getting superpowers may not be for everyone, but who knows? It could be YOU. And if it is, now you’re prepared. As with last time, feel free to post responses or any additional tips I’ve overlooked. Until then, I’ll see you when we discuss our next totally real situation.

- Natron out