TwistedEncore

Due to an unforeseen incident with a bottle of Captain Morgan, Nathaniel has, regrettably, been unavailable for posting. He does, however, send this prepared post.

Sighhhhh…

Oh yeah, you know this is going to be a great post when the very first thing I have to say is a depressed, drawn-out, “Sighhhhh…” I’ve been sitting here for a good 20 minutes trying to think up a catchier hook, but this is all I’ve got. Brilliant, huh?

Well, since you’re here, I guess I should probably wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day. And I do. But at the same time I’m also going to come right out and say that no, I’m not exactly a fan of Valentine’s Day. Not for any serious, media-hating consumerism reason or whatever. Really, it’s just because I’m single, I think it kind of sucks, and I wish I had someone special to spend today with. Pretty basic, I guess.

However, I’d also like to point out that, for the record, I am not one of those emo-romantic douchebags that’s going to spend today crying into their black eyeliner because they’re alone and listening to My Chemical Romance. No sir. Me, I’ve got a bottle of Captain Morgan waiting for me and Evanescence’s “Solitude” repeating on my iPod. That’s how I roll. You know, cuz I’m deep.

But alright, I suppose you didn’t come here to listen to how I plan on spending today drinking. You want me to talk about something nerdy that has something to do with love and romance! Well, fine. You want me to do a Valentine’s Day review? So be it.

Gah! Not that! Not that! Put it away! Anything but that! I mean, geez! Seriously.

If I’m going to talk about something for Valentine’s Day, I was thinking something more along the lines of…

Confused? What, “Braveheart” is totally Valentine’s Day material. It’s got plenty of love and passion and stuff like that. It’s one of my favorite romances. No, really. Maybe you just don’t remember it that way.

I think that, to a lot of people, “Breavheart” is one of those movies that has reached “meme status.” It’s been a while since you’ve seen it, and you don’t remember too much about it outside of Mel Gibson shouting, “FREEEEEDOOOMMMM!”

Which, I admit, is still awesome. But there’s more to it than that. Beyond the “FREEDOM!” beyond the epic battle scenes, the political intrigue, and the anachronistic depiction of Scottish history, “Braveheart” is, at it’s core, a love story. Trust me.

The movie starts with sweeping shots of beautiful Scottish landscape and sweet Celtic flute music, and right away I can’t help but wish I actually had the money to afford an overseas vacation. Some voiceover guy comes on and says that he’s going to tell us the tale of William Wallace, and though historians from England will say it’s a lie, this is what really happened. I’m pretty sure more than English historians might call this movie a lie… seeing as how the movie takes liberties with actual historical figures, events, and culture… But I digress. Basically the intro sets up that an English king named Edward “the Longshanks”

has declared himself King of Scotland and is also an evil, tyrannical jackass. That’s all the setup I need. Scottish good, English bad.

We see a young William Wallace, playing with his friend Hamish and trying to go with his dad on trips outside of the family farm to “top secret” meetings local families are having to discuss what to do about those pesky English. Because if the intro didn’t tell you already, those English are evil. Long story short, one day William’s father and brother go out and don’t come back. Well, they do… in a body bag. But that’s just dark. It’s all very sad and all when, during the burial, a little girl comes over and gives William a thistle. Awww… Well isn’t that sweet? Here amidst tragedy this little girl is there to show William love and kindness. That’s just so cute.

Anyways, with his immediate family gone, William’s uncle shows up (pretty much straight out of nowhere. Seriously, dude rides up to the funeral and all he says is, “William? I’m your uncle.”) and takes William with him so he can raise William to be smart, strong, and brave. And so many years pass… and William grows up to become Mel Gibson. Mission accomplished!

Well, at any rate the now-adult William returns to his home village after spending years abroad, looking to start a simple life and arriving just in time for a wedding festival. He’s reunited with some old friends like Hamish and immediately falls for a pretty young woman named Murron (all the good Scottish names were taken). And wouldn’t you know it, Murron just happens to have been the little girl with the thistle all those years ago. Wow. Who would have guessed? It’s almost like they were meant for each other or something.

Naturally, William and Murron hit it off, but they decide to keep their relationship a secret. Her parents might not approve her dating a wild young Mel Gibson. Also, King Edward has instituted a custom called “primae noctis,” in which local English officers have the right to have sex with Scottish women on the first night of their marriage. And, according to what I could find on Wikipedia, this may or may not have actually happened. But I’ll believe it, since everyone knows those English are just so evil. William and Murron get married in secret, they make love in the moonlight (which must be really awkward, because judging by how much you can see their breath it must be damn cold), and everything seems great. Until one day this creepy old English soldier tries to put the moves on Murron in the village. Not cool. William shows up and starts a fight to rescue her but, while he gets away safely, she gets captured by the English soldiers. Before William can save her, the local (evil) English magistrate has Murron tied up and, to set an example, slits her throat.

This is very, very stupid. The magistrate has clearly never seen a Mel Gibson movie, or else he would have known better. He is now royally f*cked.

William Wallace, being the Mel Gibson that he is, goes APE-SH*T. He leads an attack on the local English fort, killing a bunch of soldiers in gory detail and sparking a local uprising. And here’s where the movie becomes what everybody remembers.

Wallace becomes the leader of the uprising, taking out English soldiers at forts throughout Scotland. He catches the attention of the Scottish nobles, who regard him as a loose cannon but they let him keep fighting cuz, well, you don’t effing mess with a psychotic Mel Gibson. Wallace wins more and more victories, delivers his famous, “They’ll never take our FREEDOM!” speech, and kills a sh*t-ton of people whilst dressed in blue warpaint.

He even captures the English town of York and beheads the king’s nephew (and has the head delivered in a basket). It’s awesome.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t last forever. The Scottish nobles decide to betray Wallace so they can keep their (English-bought) lands, King Edward keeps trying to kill him, and Wallace is forced to go into hiding to fight a guerilla war. He does hook up with the king’s daughter-in-law (played by Sophie Marceau. Lucky William) who falls in love with him, and wins the respect of Robert the Bruce, a legitimate contender for the Scottish crown. That’s not bad, right?

But ultimately Wallace is betrayed, captured by the English, and tried for high treason. And before they kill him they torture him, trying to get Wallace to confess his crimes against England.

It’s totally gory and hard to watch, but Wallace, steadfast to the end, endures the pain before gathering one last breath of air to defiantly shout, “FREEEEEDOOOMMMM!” And though Wallace dies, his actions inspire the Scottish to fight on and win their freedom from England. Wow. What a powerful, inspiring movie, right?

Okay, okay. I admit that I left a lot of movie out. I just gave you the Cliff’s Notes version, but there is so much more that I could’ve mentioned about all the political intrigue, the relationship between Wallace and his friends, and all the fighting that goes on. There’s a lot.

But if you’re looking for why I chose to talk about “Braveheart” for Valentine’s Day, well… at it’s heart, I consider the movie to be a romance. Yes, William Wallace did rise to become a Scottish freedom fighter and yes, there was a lot of fighting against (evil) England. But the entirely of Wallace’s character is built around how he fell in love with a beautiful girl and how the pain of losing her drove him to fight against the English. And, godforbid we ever tragically lose them, we all should be so lucky to find a love that is that powerful.

I love watching “Braveheart” because it shows how love can be strong enough to lead us to suffering, violence, and murder.

…

Waaiiiiit…

- Natron out