TwistedEncore

Ughhhhh…

Sorry, I just really don’t feel like talking about anything. I think “Transformers” took a lot out of me. Maybe I’ll just do something short and simple this week.

Hmm… I have been watching a lot of “Smallville” lately. Maybe I can just pop in an episode and run with that. Let’s see… I’m somewhere in season 6 right now…

Okay, here’s something: “Smallville” season 6 episode 14: “Trespass.” I haven’t gotten to this one yet. Let me just press play here…

We're about to get taken to a dreamworld of magic!

…

(45 minutes later)

…

Wow. That was incredibly stupid. I mean, I know I’ve said before that I love this show, but this episode was Exhibit A about how pants-numbingly dumb “Smallville” can be sometimes. Gah. My brain hurts.

And you know what? It all has to do with one simple trend I’ve been noticing as the show progresses: Lana Lang is a f*cking idiot.

In “Smallville” (and the comics themselves), Lana Lang is the hometown love interest for Clark Kent as he’s growing up. And for the first few seasons most of Lana’s job was, in a nutshell, to be the love interest.

However, after a few years of the on-again/off-again teen drama with Clark still not telling her about his superpowers, I guess the writers decided they needed to shake things up. So season 5 had Clark and Lana flat-out break up “for good” so that Lana, in her grief, would feel so hurt by Clark that she would be driven into a relationship with Clark’s other friend-turned-foe: Lex Luthor.

And in doing so, this completely destroyed her character. Lana goes from being the caring love interest that can’t figure out why Clark is never around when supernatural stuff happens and becomes this paranoid, angry bitch.

I'm mad at something! ... Just don't ask me why.

She alienates her friends, moves into the Luthor mansion, gets pregnant, and agrees to marry Lex (well-known for being manipulative and deceitful) all seemingly because she’s bitter that Clark “keeps secrets” from her. Lana Lang makes no sense.

Which (finally) brings us to “Trespass.” Last episode ended with Clark crashing Lex and Lana’s rehearsal dinner (he was high on kryptonite). In the aftermath, Lana found a chisel that she thinks Lex tried to stab Clark with, but somehow got all bent up. No, 6 seasons and she still hasn’t figured out that Clark is superhuman. So this episode begins with Lana in her room, holding the chisel and wondering how it got bent.

Whatever could it MEAN?

Only instead of looking like she’s deep in thought, she’s looking like a crazy person. I don’t really want to blame Kristin Kreuk’s acting, but Lana’s just there holding this thing for like 5 minutes, her eyes darting all over it and her mouth kind of twitching. I guess you can only act with the script you’re given, but Lana does not look sane here.

She then gets a text message from a number she doesn’t know with a picture of her sitting where she is now. Ahh, stalker! She freaks, and Lex and his security rush in but can’t find anyone. Lex asks Lana if she actually saw anything, and instead of showing him the fricking text message she says she “could just feel a presence in the room.” What?! We find out later in the episode that she didn’t want Lex to see the bent chisel in the picture, but this is 2007 and her phone can’t be newer than 2004. The picture is so crappy that she could be holding anything in her hand. Just tell him it’s your vanity mirror. Guys will believe that.

"Seven days..."

But no, she’s a dumbass. And she’s not the only one. Even though his girlfriend’s scared, Lex leaves on a business trip, meaning he either a) thinks she’s crazy or b) doesn’t care if she’s really being stalked. His security will protect her… as she decides to go hide out in her old apartment above the coffee shop. Gah.

We get some dialogue here between Lana and her friend Chloe (whom Lana has also distanced herself from lately), but ultimately the stalker finds her there and Lana does her best job of being scared while awkwardly trying to hold a knife.

Oh yeah, and Clark’s in this episode somewhere, too. I think. I guess he’s out trying to track down who this mysterious stalker could be. But it doesn’t matter because the big reveal is stupid anyway.

Anyway, even though security wants to take her somewhere, you know, secure, Lana decides to go to “the last place anyone would look for her” and goes to hide at… the Kent family farm. Really? Really?? Not only is this stupid and a terrible place to defend, but when she gets there Mrs. Kent says Lana can stay in Clark’s room, knowing full well how much of a paraoid bitch about Clark Lana’s become.

I’d say there’s some charm when all Lana finds when going through Clark’s stuff is a picture of her and the necklace she gave him, but skip it. The stalker finds her, actually kills a guy, and in fear Lana tries to run and falls down some stairs. The rest of security shows up and Lana goes to the hospital. Yippee.

Horray! She's horribly mangled!

And of course things only get dumber from here. In the hospital, Lex’s security decides to relocate Lana to the dark, scary, abandoned wing of the hospital with junk piled everywhere. Why? Security, of course! This is so stupid it hurts… So some guy with a camera shows up for no reason and chases Lana through the abandoned wing, Clark shows up and rescues her, and Lex’s security shows up and kills the camera guy off-screen. Well that was swift. Apparently he pulled out a gun or something. And Clark, instead of x-raying the body to see if he did have a gun or taking two seconds to actually think about how nothing makes sense, decides the mystery’s been solved and lets Lex’s security take Lana back to the mansion.

Even though we the audience know that can’t be the end (cuz there’s still 10 minutes left), I don’t care anymore. All these people are morons. They go back to the mansion, Lex’s security guy reveals he’s the stalker and that he “didn’t want to see Lana become corrupted by Lex” or something. I don’t know, it’s all bullshit. There’s a chase up to the roof, they fall, Clark saves Lana, and blah blah wrap-up.

You know, Clark, you could've dropped the ball just this once.

This whole episode is pointless crap because the whole stalker thing makes no sense and by this point in the show I’ve stopped caring about Lana Lang. Everything she does out of being “hurt over Clark” and in her relationship with Lex just comes off as being childish and nonsensical. And this episode is just a prime example of that. There’s no logic, no overall point to it, and in the end I don’t care about it.

I actually feel I need to apologize for wasting your time. But I do thank you for letting me rant about how Lana Lang pisses me off. I can’t wait for the episode where she gets caught in an explosion, even though I know it’s not really her. I’ll take what I can get.

Sweet, sweet justice.

- Natron out