TwistedEncore

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nathaniel Rose is a professional survivor expert, trained to handle real(ish) survival situations. Professional advice should always be sought before entering any dangerous environment.

Oh, October… You came like a flash at the end of September and vanished just as quickly. I’m going to miss your orange-and-brown charm, your delightfully quirky way of scaring the hell out of me by making me reflect on my own darkest fears…

Mother of God...

Sigh…

Still, we’ve got a few more minutes of October left. And today IS Halloween, after all. I can’t think of a better way to round out the month than with another:

Nathaniel Rose’s SURVIVAL GUIDE to Totally Real Situations!!!

Remember, in each Survival Guide, I present you with a totally possible dangerous situation which I will then show YOU how to handle. And for a Survival Guide on Halloween, I thought we’d go with something truly terrifying that many of us know can happen: a zombie outbreak.

The Situation:

You’re hanging out at the local mall when suddenly you hear screaming and shouting. You look over to see people running from a woman being bitten by what looks like a rotting hippie that has just burst into the mall.

"Change? Spare some change? Aw, come on, help a guy out, will ya?"

You recognize at once that it is a ZOMBIE, and looking past it you can see many more outside! Clearly a mass zombie outbreak has occurred, and may even now be wiping out the rest of the country. At that exact moment, WHAT DO YOU DO???

Parameters:

- The zombies are the run-of-the-mill shambling kind with only a base intelligence. They are not like the “28 Days Later”/”I Am Legend” kind that can think and run faster than us. If they were, humanity would be SCREWED.

Remain absolutely still. It's vision is based on movement. Wait... Oh s#!%.

- Zombies pass infection through blood contact. If you get any inside you, you have only minutes before you too become the walking undead.

- Zombies are NOT susceptible to pain or loss of limb. To kill them, take out the brain or decapitate them.

The Solution:

In any zombie outbreak, the VERY FIRST thing you should think of is protection. Find a weapon close at hand that can take out zombies or at least make them keep their distance. I recommend baseball bats, axes, shovels, etc. Guns only if you have enough ammo. I would not recommend knives because they aren’t long enough.

Dude, whatever works for you, Woody Harrelson.

Once you have some weapon to defend yourself, GET THE F**K OUT OF THERE!!! One thing you don’t want to do is get trapped in an enclosed space by overwhelming numbers. No matter how good you are at killing zombies, numbers will win out in the end.

Yeah, bro. You can totally take these guys. Fo' sha'.

In the ensuing panic, find a back door somewhere that has fewer zombies surrounding it and run for it. If you have a car, make your way to it if you think you can. Kill the zombies in your way, but don’t go around looking for a fight. Not yet…

At this point, start worrying about how wide the infection has spread. Call up friends and family. If they’re alive, rescue them from their houses and band together for survival. Start thinking about the long-term. If they don’t answer their phones, chances are they’re dead already.

And while you’re banding together, LOAD UP ON SUPPLIES. Grab any food, weapons, etc. you can load into your car. If civilization is crumbling in the face of widespread outbreak, you are going to have to accept that you must survive on your own. Take anything you need to survive.

"It's my industrial strength hairdryer, and I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT."

At this point, you should be well on your way to surviving long-term. With whoever you’ve teamed up with, I’d advise adopting a nomadic lifestyle. Travel by day and raid the old, deserted food stores for supplies. NEVER stay in one place too long, or risk getting cornered by zombies (don’t be an idiot and walk into a creepy, dark building that probably has zombies lurking behind every corner). Deal with the overwhelming fear and emptiness as you see fit.

I don't have a joke for this one. I just thought it looked disturbingly cool.

I hope this has helped teach you how to survive a zombie outbreak. If and when one occurs, now you’ll be ready to face it head-on. Feel free to post responses or any additional tips I’ve overlooked. Until then, I’ll see you when we discuss our next totally real situation.

Sonofabitch, they just made it worse!

- Natron out