TwistedEncore

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nathaniel Rose is a professional survivor expert, trained to handle real(ish) survival situations. Professional advice should always be sought before entering any dangerous environment.

Alright, here we go. Guys, I know there are a lot of shows out there that like to think they help teach you how to survive really “dangerous” situations. And some of them I like. Say what you want about Bear Grylls, but I’ve got to give props to a guy who is batshit INSANE enough to go jumping into a frozen lake or drink moisture out of elephant dung. He’s crazy as hell, but I respect that.

However, I realize there are some survival situations they don’t cover that I feel people should be absolutely aware of for their own safety. That’s why I’ve taken it upon myself to help educate YOU, and make sure you have what it takes to survive against time travel, zombie hordes, killer robots, and many more TOTALLY REAL situations. Ladies and gentlemen, I can think of nothing better this week than to educate YOU with something I like to call:

Nathaniel Rose’s SURVIVAL GUIDE to Totally Real Situations!!!

Told you this would be good. And for the inaugural episode of my Survival Guide here on Twisted Encore, I’m branching out into a new area I haven’t touched before. I’ve already written Survival Guides on how to survive the zombie apocalypse, transforming alien robots, and superpowers (all of which I hope to post on here someday soon), but somewhere I haven’t really delved into yet is the realm of fantasy. Swords and sorcery. Dragons. Places where almost anything might be possible. Even here it’s my job to help show YOU how to survive.

“But Nathaniel,” you might be thinking, “what’s the point in that? Zombies and superpowers could maybe happen one day thanks to crazy science and technology, but dragons and fantasy don’t exist.”

To which I would respond with a very Kevin Spacey-esque “WRONG!”

True, we might not live in a fantasy world here, but if there’s one thing that both fantasy and science fiction have taught us, it’s that there quite possibly could exist countless worlds out there, realms branching out across the multiverse in other times and places. And if you ever somehow find yourself whisked away to one of them you’d better be PREPARED! So to help YOU, today I thought I’d start by looking at a broad overview of some of the most classical elements of fantasy… through visiting one of its most well-known domains. Today I’m going to help show you how to survive MIDDLE-EARTH.

The Situation:

You’ve always considered yourself to be a (fairly) normal human being. You live with both feet on the ground. You’re not even on any serious medication (well, except for that one time with the rabbit and the jack-in-the-box. But you got over it).

So imagine your surprise when one day you start getting visions, flashes of people and places you’ve never seen. At first they only start out as vivid dreams, but soon they’re coming to you when you’re awake. They almost seem real. Words like “Numenor” and “Anarion” pop into your head despite you never having heard them before. It all keeps becoming more and more real… You’re more confused than when you saw Inception.

And then one day when you think you can’t take it anymore, you’re hit with a flash of light and a sense of falling. When you come to, you find yourself lying in a very unfamiliar place. There’s a big white city with seven levels nearby, and off to the east the sky is all red and dark and ominous.  You may not realize it just yet, but you’ve suddenly found yourself in Middle-earth. At that exact moment, WHAT DO YOU DO???

Parameters:

- Though you’ve arrived in Middle-earth, this week’s Survival Guide is meant to be a template for similar fantasy worlds that are all part of a sub-genre called “high fantasy.” High fantasy is some of the more “traditional” fantasy realms. High fantasy can be noble, epic, and grand in scale. This Survival Guide is designed to provide general advice for many of these realms.

- High fantasy worlds like Middle-earth, Narnia, or Andor can be relatively similar to Earth, save for a select few key differences, like the presence of magic or other humanoid races. High fantasy realms aren’t usually that “out there” in design (no ice-worlds or always-on-fire worlds, etc.)

- Magic in high fantasy also tends to be governed by a set of clear-cut rules and not just used however is convenient at the moment. Leave the deus ex machinas to lesser writers…

- You arrive in Middle-earth as you are, bringing with you only what you had on at the time.

- One does not simply walk into Mordor… unless you’re Bear Grylls. He can walk into Mordor.

The Solution:

Guys, I’m going to level with you here for a sec. I really can’t tell you the first thing you should do in a survival situation like this because, honestly, if I ever found myself in it, I would be way too busy NERDING THE F&@% OUT. HOLY S#!+, I’M IN F&@%ING MIDDLE-EARTH! OH MAN, THIS IS THE COOLEST DAMN THING EVER!! WHOOO!! WHOOO!!

And then after that I’d spend the next half hour getting my heart rate back down.

Okay, okay… Then after that I would finally get down to business. Like in other Survival Guides, one of the FIRST things you should do is prepare yourself as best you can with what you have. Take stock and determine anything you have that might be useful. Organize the number of items in your inventory (only 8 slots in your bag!).

Find whatever weapon is close at hand, even if it’s just a stick or a rock. Yes, by all means trade up if you have something better, but you don’t want to be totally defenseless. Because no matter where you are, in fantasy realms there’s always some obstacle lurking somewhere down your path. It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door…

Once you’ve prepared yourself (and hotkeyed your basic shielding and arcane spells), you should then attempt to make your way to civilization. This can be tricky, not only because the way can hold untold dangers, but also because you should be very careful with whatever civilization you try making your way to. Some can be downright nasty (one does not simply walk into Mordor FOR A REASON). Others, however, may simply not like YOU. There’s a surprising amount of racial prejudice in fantasy worlds…

Elves in particular can really be condescending to other races, i.e. stuck-up, pointy-eared, tree-hugging, I’m-so-cool-cuz-I’m-immortal-and-you’re-not, prettyboy pretentious pricks.

9 times out of 10 if you’re not an elf like them, you’ll be blocked at the gate and told to GTFO (from whence you came!).

And dwarves… just keep your distance. They’ll either always want to fight or always annoy you as bad comedy relief.

Bottom line, just know what peoples are cool to hang out with and which aren’t.

But while making it to safe, secure civilization might seem like the end goal in any survival situation, it really isn’t. Yes, you could settle down and make a living if you wanted, but everyone knows that the best part of any fantasy world is ADVENTURE!

Sorry, one more spaz attack here… ADVENTURE!!!!!

You can’t fully experience any fantasy world if you just sit in the nice, safe village and decide to be a blacksmith for the rest of your life. There’s an ENTIRE WORLD out there waiting for you to discover. Granted, it is probably a dangerous, magical, mysterious world, but the fun lies in actually going out and doing. Learn some MAGIC. Get your own sword… and go out and use it! Just be ready for lots of long walks. Experience! Explore! Quest!

Maybe one day down the road I’ll look into questing in more detail…

When stuck in a fantasy world, take it for all it’s worth.

Until then, I hope this has helped teach you how better to survive your basic fantasy world. I’m sure in the future I’ll try touching on more fantasy aspects individually, but I hope this provided a good overview. Feel free to post responses or any additional tips I’ve overlooked. Until then, I’ll see you when we discuss our next totally real situation.

- Natron out