Happy Easter
To go along with the holiday spirit, I’ll be keeping this blog entry short. However, in the weeks building up to Easter, I found a number of things that annoyed me that I feel the need to discuss.
I find it absurd that I can’t walk out into public without being slapped in the face with Easter cheer. If I walk into Giant, I’m instantly bombarded with colored eggs and low grade chocolate. You’re from Dillsburg, and we all know you can’t afford to spend frivolously on fake grass for your child’s Easter basket. You’ve got bubble wrap and packing peanuts in the basement — go wild.
And why is the Easter Bunny at the Capital City Mall? I didn’t know it was customary to sit on the lap of a fictitious bunny who smells like a mixture of body odor and cheap scotch. It’s the only job my Uncle Pete can get that allows him to get drunk at 9:00 am, strap on an over-sized bunny suit, and hug children all day long without his normal legal obligation of informing the residents in his neighborhood that he’s moving in next door. That, folks, is the American Dream.
I’m all for celebrating the reanimation of a fallen Christ-child, but shouldn’t our Easter mascot be Zombie Jesus? Instead we celebrate using the guise of a bunny who can lay rainbow eggs. Am I the only one concerned by this? This is genetic mutation, people. It’s an epidemic, and we shouldn’t be feeding mutant bunny eggs to our children. If “Octo-mom” gave birth to rainbow babies, I’m pretty sure we’d send them back to whatever Hell they came from.
But we don’t give them eggs, we just paint them. Instead we use it as an excuse to chock them full of enough sugar to insure a future full of diabetes. We wonder why America is fat, it’s because we have holidays like Easter and Halloween — pointless holidays that have lost sight of their roots and are used for the sole purpose of stimulating the Dollar Store candy market. Also, am I the only one who finds chocolate crosses offensive? Regardless of religion, an influential man was tortured and murdered on the cross. Way to be an insensitive bitch, Gertrude Hawk. Maybe next year we can pass out sugar-coated 747′s on September 11th. Just don’t come bitching to me in 10 years when you’re buying your children chocolate-flavored insulin shots.
I think it’s bullshit that Giant rejected my idea of stocking cyanide flavored jelly beans.
– Lawtonic out
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