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Apparently there has been some confusion about Matt Coldsmith and his involvement with MattColdsmith.com.  I, Adam Lawton, have been writing the blog entries since the debut of the site in late October.  Did Matt have a say in what was written?  No.  Did we put up disclaimers on the site?  Yes.  Were there still a handful of inbred Pennsylvanians who apparently failed Hooked On Phonics and took out their aggressions on Matt?  Unfortunately so, and I deeply apologize.  Therefore, I will continue writing the blog under my own name. 

But without further adieu, I wanted to take this time to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.  No other holiday emphasizes family togetherness quite like Thanksgiving does.  Thanksgiving began hundreds of years ago when a group of metrosexual men wearing buckled-hats invaded a peaceful collective of Native Americans whom promoted love for mother nature along with a strong appreciation for weed — and every year we celebrate their unnecessary slaughter.  Yay for diversity!

And yet, somehow we constitute this as a holiday.  Trust me, creating a time honored holiday is hard.  Last March I tried instating a National “Surprise! I Gave You AIDS” Day, which never really caught on.  Instead of making me a turkey, my girlfriend just sat at the edge of the bed and cried.  Seriously, you whine more than Oprah, and that bitch knows how to complain.  And don’t blame it on the way you were raised, because your sister didn’t fuss nearly as much.

Thanksgiving is a time for cooperation.  If there’s one thing I learned from organized sports, it’s that there’s no “I” in “team”.  However, there is a “me” in “team”, and “me” thinks you need to get your fat ass in the kitchen.  Let’s go, grandma, those potatoes aren’t going to mash themselves.  You’ll get your insulin once I see some progress.

Don’t get me wrong — I did help out this year.  Adam Lawton is a provider, and this year I provided the turkey.  No, I didn’t cop out and get the free turkey coupon from Giant — I strolled down to the local petting zoo and strangled one with my bare hands.  Why?  Because freshness matters.

So what am I thankful for?  I’m thankful for my friends, family, and good health.  HA!  No, I’m just messing with you.  Where have those things ever gotten me?  I am, however, thankful for lower gas prices — those Molotov Cocktails were getting expensive.  And with lower gas prices, I can finally ditch my Ford Taurus and go buy that van I’ve always wanted with “FREE CANDY” written across the side so I can entice unsuspecting children.  That Taurus is awful — I can barely fit one dead hooker in the trunk.  Talk about shoddy craftsmanship.

– Lawtonic out