I’ve gotten seriously fed up the last few days by people over-reacting about the election.  I fail to see the big deal here.  I’m not going to disclose who I voted for, because honestly I think both candidates have their faults, so really it came down to who was the lesser of two evils.

After Obama was chosen, I saw a simultaneous burst of joy and outrage on Facebook.  I was stunned to read someone’s status set as “I can’t wait til he’s assassinated.”  I’m about as offensive as they come, and even that made me cringe.  Do I want to choose between a man who gets shot in office, or one who gets sent to a geriatric home?  And let’s be real, I think Sarah Palin taking over as President scares the ever-loving shit out of all of us.  Was I the only one afraid of being shot from a helicopter by Sarah Palin after voting?

But what bothers me most is the cult following.  People are getting way too stressed out about this.  Honestly, I don’t feel like things can get much worse, so we have nowhere to go but up.  That is why I, Adam Lawton, hereby announce my running in the 2012 election.  I’m neither Democrat or Republican — I’m a Realist.  I’m going to rule the nation with an iron fist and actually get results.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s my platform:

Global warming — is this really a problem?  All this means is we’ll never need to pay for tanning beds again.  All it’d take is 5 minutes in an o-zone free Earth and I’ll be toasted to a medium-well.  Personally, I support global warming.  Every morning I wake up, shower, and spray nine cans of aerosol out my bedroom window.  It diminishes the o-zone and gets rid of that “old people” smell in Mechanicsburg.  How’s that for killing two birds with one stone?

As for the war against Al-Qaeda, I say we stop dropping bombs and instead drop “care packages”.  And by “care package” I mean a tin box with a My Chemical Romance CD and a razor blade.  They’ll be confused at first, but after 3 or 4 days they’ll figure out what to do.  Remember, Abdul, it’s down the street, not across the road.  If you’re gonna be emo, make sure you do it right.

And I’m sick of hearing people complain about the state of the economy.  Seriously guys, it’s not that hard to wrap your mind around.  In the 1930s we went through our nation’s biggest economic crisis — The Great Depression.  How did we fix that?  We nuked the shit out of Asia.  I’m beginning to see a trend here.  Nuke Asia, fix economy.

Why do we even need Asia any more?  The only thing they’ve ever given us is cheap take out food and Scat Porn (if you don’t know what it is, I dare you to Google it).  If “Two Girls, One Cup” isn’t reason enough to blow half the world into nuclear winter, I don’t know what is.

We can’t afford to have some wishy-washy Democrat in the White House, we need a strong leader.  Someone with authority, charisma, and a vision.  You know who was like that?  Hitler.  Level with me, folks:  Hitler got shit done.  I hear he was an artist, like my friend Matt.  Kinda makes me feel warm inside.

As far as the abortion subject goes — you can buy 10 coat hangers for a dollar at Walmart.  Ha!  Spiraling economy, my ass.  That’s right, America — problem solved, case closed.  You’re welcome.

–- Lawtonic out