“No, Adam, you can’t give out cyanide to Trick or Treaters.”  I ask why not?  I thought Halloween was supposed to be fun?  And to any Giant employees out there — please stop giving me dirty looks when I come through U-Scan with a dozen candy bars and a pack of razor blades.  Don’t judge me, and I won’t belittle you for having a profession that involves sliding tin cans over a piece of glass.  If only your grandmother was alive to see you now…

The fact that they call it “Trick or Treat” is an outrage.  The word “or” implies that there’s a choice involved.  This year I decided to dress as a bandit, but only because Saturday Night Live stole my original idea of going as a registered sex offender.  Thanks for letting me borrow your clothes, Sander, but I guess I’ll be giving them back now.

This year I came to the door and blew a rape horn in the face of any unsuspecting child who dared come a-knockin’.  Needless to say, it cut down on the traffic around my house.  Hey, don’t get pissy with me, you’re just jealous you didn’t think of it first.

And for the love of God, stay in your own neighborhood.  I hate parents who take their kids neighborhood hopping.  I understand that it’s tragic that you live in Dillsburg and your food stamps don’t allow you to buy Halloween candy, but let’s be serious, you don’t belong here.  You stick out worse than a whore in a convent.  So please, excuse me if I refuse to give your little piss-ant kid any of my candy.  Last time I checked, Snow White was a princess, not an over-weight nine year old with a hair lip and a speech impediment.

And what’s the deal with parents dressing up to take their kids out?  It was amusing when you were younger, but now it’s just gotten sad.  Let’s be real, turning 40 hit you like a sack of bricks, and last time I checked Fred Flinstone had all of his teeth.

And finally, why the hell is Unicef coming door to door this year?  I insisted on giving them candy only to get the snide remark “Don’t you understand what Unicef is?”  Yes, Captain Jackass, I do.  Don’t you understand what Trick or Treat is?  Now take your damn Kit-Kat and get the hell off my lawn.  Sorry, but I’m not about to take the time to donate to charity on Halloween.  Bear Grylls drinks his own urine to survive, and you don’t hear him bitching about it.

–- Lawtonic out